Dear Alvin,

In preparation for your first ever public speaking engagement with the local NAACP chapter in Manning, South Carolina, I wanted to offer you a helping hand. I do not know if you have a campaign staff member yet responsible for this speech writing. It is important that you deal with the issues raised about your campaign early and head on. It is also important that you outline a clear path for what you will be proposing and how it will be implemented. Therefore, I would like to offer up the prepared speech below to use as you see fit.

All the best,
Kevin

South Carolina Speech

Greetings to the South Carolina chapter of The NAACP. I remember reading about you guys in history class. It is a pleasure to be in church too. Ebenezer Missionary Baptist Church here in Manning is a great place and thanks for hosting this event. The hors d’oeuvres outside are fabulous.

Look, I am not the most media savvy, but hey, neither were many of the greats through history. Just look at boxer Jack Johnson, Joe Frazier and Kanye West. Were all of them talented? Yes. Did the media like them? No. In fact, they hated the media. And I hate the media too. But I can actually be effective in the Unites States Senate. You don’t have to work well with others there at all.

I would like to start out by saying a few things from my heart.
 

First of all, you should know that I beat former Democratic state lawmaker Vic Rawl like the Harlem Globetrotters do on that other team they always play. I beat him by 18 points or something in the primary. And that is a whoopin’. I put it on him. He should just stop complaining and go home. I won. Now stop being a sore loser.

Yes, GOP Senator Jim DeMint will be my opponent in the fall. And there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am clearly the best person to unseat him. He has a lot of people working on his behalf, whether he knows it or not, and wants to be seen as winning fair and square. Not that he would win this fall, because I am going to win. But if he did win, he would have won fair and square, because I am the best person to oppose him, obviously. Is that clear? That may not be clear to you but it is to me.

Now, I would like to take this time to finally answer some hard questions posed to me.

First, about the felony charge of showing obscene Internet photos to a University of South Carolina student. I believe that one person’s pornography is another person’s artform. We have to stop letting society tell us what stuff is or is not. All I have to say is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For real. As for whether I tried to go to her dorm room with her or not, damn right I did. If you had seen Camille, you would have shaken your head and tried to go to her dorm room too.

Second, yes, I paid the $10,440 fee out of my own pocket. As if I would literally put my hand in someone else’s pocket. That just does not make any sense. Think, people. Furthermore, this has been looked into and because I made that much in unemployment, I theoretically had enough to save. What did I live on in the meantime? Let’s just say I have friends that made sure I did not go hungry. And that is perfectly ethical. Ha. Sorry, that was a cough.

Now look, they say that I have to have a campaign platform. I like the 70s platform shoes as much as anyone, so my campaign shoes are:

Jobs: Damn right I say we need to make action figure dolls of myself. Do you know how many people could be put to work manufacturing different types of action figure dolls for me? A lot. I want to do dolls that can put my arms and legs in different positions. You could have other dolls that are United States senators too. So if you wanted me to slap a U.S. senator of your choosing, you can do it. If you wanted me to kick a U.S. senator, you could do it. In fact, there are some dolls now days that can make it look like I am doing a UFC move on a fool.

Education: I think we need to all be street smart. So I propose that every student gets a day to come up with the best ideas, to make toys of me. Look, you have to be street smart to be in business and hustle, so I hear. So giving kids the focus of thinking of me to figure out how to make money makes perfect sense. It supports entrepreneurship and gets more toys out there that look like me, Alvin. And that is a win-win scenario. The other day, a student even suggested I do a deal with Alvin from the chipmunks. That kid should get an A right off the bat if you ask me.

Justice: Everyone knows certain people do not get sentenced according to the crime in the same way. So therefore, I propose we have an independent body called the “fair sentencing unit” that literally sits next to judges when they sentence people. The members of this “unit” should look like if you crossed them, it would not work out too well for you. That way, these judges will know they better act right when the sentencing goes down. Who’s with me?

People have been asking about my campaign strategy. I say mind your business. I just got a website up a few weeks ago. Someone else put it up, but I told them to because I am running a sophisticated campaign. Also, if anyone has extra computers that have good virus software, I would appreciate it if you donated them. For some reason, I keep blowing through my boys’ computers. Viruses just pop onto your computer from certain sites. That is just crazy. So I am currently looking to fill the positions of campaign manager and chief computer dude.

Specifically though, since people keep asking, my campaign strategy is called “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka.” That’s right, Al Green has always been one of my favorite singers. So we are going to pass out pamphlets with my picture on it, but I’ll be dressed like the cover of his 1972 Let’s Stay Together album. Oh don’t you worry, it’ll work.

So as you can see, I am obviously the best person to unseat the GOP Senator this fall. Everyone else who says otherwise, needs to just relax and calm down. Just sit down on the sofa and flip through the television for a while. Trust me, it works.

By the way, if any of you know any publishers that wants to give me a book deal, I will take it. As many of you know, I have not had a job since I was involuntarily discharged from the Army. But that is going to change, one way or another.

I’m going to go now. So I just want to remind you to vote for me this fall. The GOP will be in for the fight of their lives with me in the ring, I keep telling you.
Thank you and good night.

Anybody know if there are any hors d’oeuvres left?