Valentine’s Day: From (married) woman to (single) woman — what I wish I'd known about love
ESSAY - After 8 years of marriage and three children, Valentine’s Day is not what it used to be – it’s better, richer, honest. More than a celebration of love, it’s a re-calibration of purpose...
When our son was born, I realized that my love for my husband had a false bottom and I fell right through it and deeper in love than I thought possible. I watched him grapple with how to be a father and what manhood meant to him. I listened as he told me that he was scared, because he didn’t know how to be a father, because his had left before he transitioned from womb to world. Of course, I knew that, but when placed in the context of our own growing family, it carried new weight and importance. To see how loving, patient and interested he is in our sons as he tests out a bond that he didn’t know existed, and how serious he takes his role as their blueprint, has taken our marriage to a different level.
All this to say, children change everything. Once you begin the journey of raising a person with someone, their core becomes illuminated and you have to be prepared to respond accordingly to what you see.
4. Life happens; pay attention.
There will be sickness. There may be hardship. The children may take up 99.999 ¾ percent of your time, but you can never fail to take the time to connect with your partner on the level that made you want to marry them in the first place. If you don’t, then why are you married? Sometimes, without even noticing, we find ourselves getting complacent; so accustomed to having our partner around that we forget to feed our relationship. We can fall into the trap of mistaking habit for security. To paraphrase Jada Pinkett-Smith, if love isn’t growing, it’s dying. There is no neutral. Love doesn’t wait for you pay attention and the biggest mistake a couple can make is thinking that it’s a separate entity that can survive on its own. Don’t make that mistake.
5. Evolution is inevitable.
If you are experiencing life, you’re evolving – it’s impossible not to. You will not be the same person in your 20s as you are in your 30s, or your 40s, or your 50s. Be prepared for your partner to evolve as well. And if you want your marriage to succeed, understand that there will be pivotal moments of relearning and re-evaluation that shape how the relationship will continue. Change may seem frightening, but it’s real; embrace it. Appreciate your partner’s life journey as an individual and don’t neglect your own. There are not too many things that say “I love you” quite like “I love the person you’re becoming, I’m thankful you chose me to experience your life with, and I’m excited about what our future holds.”
So remember that although falling in love all over again on Valentine’s Day is sweet, it’s standing in love the other 364 days of the year that count. And if you’re considering getting married, go into it with your eyes wide open, because, I promise you, you won’t want to miss a thing.
Follow Kirsten West Savali on Twitter at @KWestSavali.
