Successful single black motherhood: The new normal?
Halle Berry's way of producing and raising kids might be the wave of the future, as more and more women of all colors are having children without the support of marriage.
Single motherhood builds character
Both Miko and Titi see their experiences creating a super-successful business as the source of their life-tested mettle, wisdom and maturity. Their drive towards financial empowerment honed them to be great mothers, with or without fathers in their children’s lives.
Miko works diligently to instill her son with the sense that he is “unique” and not at all disadvantaged for not being raised with a dad.
“It’s something that I tell my son all the time,” she said. “‘Faison, your dad is not around, but if you have one good one behind you, you’re ahead of the game.’ Some people have two parents who may be unavailable for whatever reason and there are some issues there. If a child has one person who is in their corner 100 percent, then there are no negatives to that situation.”
A fatherhood proponent speaks out
Filmmaker Kobie Brown, 40, does not agree. He created the 2012 documentary From Fatherless to Fatherhood to address the impact that single parent homes are having in the black community.Â
The northern New Jersey native believes that every single parenting situation is unique, but strongly asserts that the absence of a father in a child’s life cannot be ameliorated by even the most well-intended compensations.
“No amount of money can replace the value that both parents, or in this case, a prepared father or male figure can bring to a child’s life,” Brown told theGrio in an email. “The confluence of single female parents and absent fathers has resulted in far too many young people growing up having no relationship whatsoever with their dads. Many of our children are finding very few examples of what authentic fatherhood, manhood and family structure look like. I believe the absence of these examples has also impacted the rate at which successful nuclear families are being created.”
Brown says the violence of inner cities, plight of the incarcerated, and even the lackluster achievement of some young blacks of the middle class can be linked to the predicament of fatherless children, who are often less well-adapted.
Even though Brown’s parents divorced when he was young, he cites having strong male role models in his life as key to his positive development.
“Regardless of socioeconomic status, I firmly believe that a good parent is defined by his or her ability and unyielding desire to provide a child with the tools — food, shelter, education, and emotional, intellectual and spiritual development — to ensure the best outcomes for that child’s life,” Brown wrote. “Most of the well-developed adults, especially men, I’ve met who have grown up without their fathers recount with fondness the relationship they had and lessons that they learned from a grandfather, neighbor, teacher, coach or uncle who provided consistent examples of what it means to be a man.”
The permanent trend of single motherhood
Yet, times are inevitably changing. More than 70 percent of African-American children are being raised by single mothers, and for professional women, sometimes those children are coming at a time when they are better able mentally, emotionally, and financially to care for them. As single motherhood overall becomes the norm, the stigma associated with the label will need to be replaced with a solution-oriented approach to a new reality.
“I think that society is going to have to see it differently because there are more women emerging like myself who’ve taken whatever situation they are given and are turning it into a positive, and sometimes progressive situation,” Miko said. “My son has many opportunities that don’t fit into the stereotypes of kids that come from single parenting situations. I think society is going to have to change it’s thinking about a child coming from a single parent home.”
Indeed, single black mothers like Berry, and Nia Long, who recently had her second child out of wedlock in her forties, are forcing new definitions of motherhood and successful parenting into being.
It still takes a village
Brown accepts that this might be the new normal, yet encourages single moms to make sure their children have positive male role models, something that Miko has done for her son through his interactions with his grandfather.
“To the growing number of women who are choosing to go it alone, I implore you to take the time to make sure your child has as many examples of quality manhood and loving relationships as she or he has new clothes, books or trips to the museum,” Brown related. “You may not feel the immediate need for a man, but your child will. Providing children with tools to succeed begins with the understanding of that daddy hunger. The value of their exposure to authentic examples of manhood transcends all socioeconomic strata. Money can’t buy love.”
Strahan admits that material resources do not soothe all the stresses of single parenting. Just as Miko and Titi created a team, so must all black women embarking on parenting — with or without a man.
“Married or single, no one really parents alone,” Strahan concluded. “It always takes a village.”
