Raising biracial kids in 2013: The challenges and the opportunities for the African-American community

The black community may need to become more flexible in its definition of "blackness" as time goes on. Biracial and multiracial people may make up more and more of what could become a flexible, mutable African-American identity.

Luther Vandross was outed as gay after his death.

Society must adapt to a multiracial reality

Sometimes, it’s the very people and institutions we expect to be accepting of multiracial families that are ill-prepared for the changing tides.

Suzanne recalls touring what is known as a very progressive school on Manhattan’s Upper West Side with her daughter. “The parents were brought on a tour of the school.  I was taken aback when the teacher of the class came to collect the children and she called Olivia’s name. I raised my hand and she approached us and immediately started speaking to Olivia.  She never addressed me directly, no eye contact.  I was a little confused but I thought, ‘OK, maybe they try to make it all about the child,’ but it seemed a little rude.”

It turns out, this treatment was not all in her head.

“Well, when I returned several weeks later for my interview, the director of admissions asked if I wanted to take a tour,” Suzanne continued. “I told her I already had the tour.  She was a little confused.  She told me according to Olivia’s file, she attended the first session with a nanny.  No, I told her, that would have been me.  ‘Oh! ,’ she said. ‘We’re usually very good about things like that!’  Things like what, I wondered, ignorance? My point being, granted, there is a big difference in our skin colors, but I could have easily been a friend, a relative or a godparent.  Why did they jump to the conclusion that I was hired help?”

It is sometimes difficult not to feel angry in these moments, at least for some of us. How will relatives, society, and our community institutions cope when our biracial and multiracial children will no longer neatly fit in any one box?

Stop putting biracial kids in a box

One of my friends, a white woman with a biracial son, told me that when her son was young, people would constantly approach her and ask, “What is he?” Annoyed, she would snap back, “He’s a little boy!” Many people are eager to put others in a box to find out where they belong, but for the identity of a mixed race child, that can mean many things.

“I don’t believe we need to ask our children what race they are,” Dr. Gardere commented. “The children will understand and develop their own ideas in time as they mature and develop. They must make the choice as to what their identification will be. Before a child can psychologically see themselves as mixed or ‘other,’ there must first be an identification with the race of one or both parents in order to form a healthy ego. Once that has been established then the child can begin to explore what a new or different identity might be.”

Elena Cunningham of Georgia, is a paralegal and blogger for her site Caramel Curlz and Swirls.  As a Honduran, she is married to an African-American man with whom she has two young children, ages six and four.

Cunningham shared a painful moment in her son’s identity development process.

“Our six year old son Billy struggled with his identity as soon as he entered kindergarten,” she told theGrio. “Billy came home one day and told his father that he did not want to be ‘brown’ like him, he wants to be ‘white’ like mommy.  That very short statement hurt not only my feelings, but it hurt his father’s feelings deeply.  We came to a conclusion that the way he was being treated at school had to do a lot with his statement.  As parents we talked to him and purchased a few books about how all shades of black are beautiful and how everyone is unique.  We explained to him that he is a mixture of Mommy and Daddy, which makes him unique.  Unfortunately, we live in a world that is far from color-blind, and we cannot shield our children forever. It is best to talk to them openly.”

Biracial and multiracial kids: Growing up happy

Dr. Gardere addressed this point, stating that while coping with challenges posed by society about one’s identity, many mixed race children come to feel positively about who they are.

“In my experience as a psychologist, the majority of biracial children appreciate and celebrate their mixed race heritage,” he explained. “As they get older and experience the world, they begin to pull away from the ‘other’ category or mixed race category, and identify with the struggles, beauty and pride of the race and/or culture of one, or both, of their parents. Interestingly enough, the race or culture that faces the most adversity is the one that they will embrace the most as they get older.”

Of his half black, half Italian status, my son, who is now twenty said, “You grow up a little differently and have more questions, especially when you are a little kid. At some point you notice that most people’s parents are the same ethnicity, and in very rare instances I have been called a n***er by whites, or white boy by black people.”

However, now he says he feels that his heritage gives him bragging rights.

“When people find out what I am, they tend to think it is exotic and pretty cool to be both,” he related.  “I like to celebrate both of my cultures, I’m proud to have been born in Italy, but I am also proud of my black, Caribbean roots. I have fun explaining it to people and blowing their minds when I speak Italian!”

At 13, my daughter feels she has yet to face any head on racism. “I’m not all that surprised when I get seemingly innocent questions like ‘can I touch your hair?,’ ‘what are you?,’ etc. I have to remind myself that most people are just curious. It’s rare when I hear more offensive comments. It takes me aback and I forget that that kind of stuff still happens. But, I’m so proud of both. I‘m definitely comfortable in my own skin,” she told theGrio.

As time marches forward, more blacks and the American community at large will need to learn to accept these children as both black and biracial or multiracial, if that is how these individuals choose to be seen.

Suzanne Rust is a writer, lifestyle expert, on-air talent, and a native New Yorker. Follow her on Twitter at @SuzanneRust.

This article has been updated to include the percentage of black men who married interracially in 2010.

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