Judge Karen Mills-Francis details an effective approach to domestic violence prevention
Simply put, being a female is the single greatest factor that increases the risk of being a victim of domestic violence...
My judicial assignment for eight years was presiding over domestic violence court in Miami.
I heard testimony from thousands of victims, witnesses, and law enforcement officials. I saw victims stalked, beaten, and sometimes killed by their partners. I saw children displaced and emotionally damaged by abusive domestic relationships.
Yet, I also witnessed the caseload on the rise. My experiences led me to conclude that we have to start a new dialogue about how we can reduce the incidences of domestic violence. And that dialogue has to start with understanding the need for intervention at the beginning of abusive relationships and not solely about creating safe harbors at the end of them.
THE PROBLEM
Simply put, being a female is the single greatest factor that increases the risk of being a victim of domestic violence.
According to the Justice Department, in 95 percent of all domestic violence cases, women are the victims. Similarly, researchers at Baylor University found that a woman is more likely to be killed by her male partner than by any and all other perpetrators combined.
With Domestic Violence Awareness month now in our rearview mirror, I am struck by the scarcity of public information and discourse on the advantages of “preemptive awareness” to prevent domestic violence from happening in the first place.
Traditional methods of domestic violence awareness take the form of victim safety planning: offering an abused woman an exit strategy, safe shelter, and help with police and court intervention. Such methods envision a scenario where the victim is trying to get out of the abusive relationship. Therein lies the fallacy.
Of the 4000 women killed by domestic violence last year, 75 percent of them were trying to exit the abusive environment. Studies consistently show that the point of leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. In order to effectively combat domestic violence, there needs to be a paradigm shift in the way we talk about it and the way we seek to reduce its predictable deadly outcome.
THE PROCESS
As is true of pedophiles and rapists, abusive men rarely respond to treatment or cognitive-behavioral therapy, even when court ordered. A range of studies, including one done by behavioralist Dr. Michael Salter, found limited or no improvement in the behavior of men who complete batterer treatment programs.
Even the impact of jail has been shown to have little effect in preventing recidivism among men who batter. And for these reasons, I think it is time we take a different approach in combatting domestic violence. We need to teach women how to profile potential partners. No batterer starts out by showing his hand. He doesn’t come into the relationship being violent. He needs time to gain mental and emotional control over his partner.
Because of the stages of abuse, we can educate our women and girls on how to protect themselves before they get beyond the point of no return with a serial abuser. I say “serial” because abuse is not situational, it carries from relationship to relationship. If he is abusing his wife now, he has abused other women in his past . So, understanding how an abuser indoctrinates his victim is the best weapon a woman can use to stop abuse before it happens .
We have to go beyond viewing domestic violence as just violence in a relationship. According to psychologist Dr. Neil Jacobson of the University of Washington, domestic violence is not simply physical aggression. It is physical aggression with a purpose: to control, intimidate, and subjugate the partner through the use of fear. And it is the woman’s fear which empowers the batterer.
Understanding the manipulative processes in the abuser’s arsenal, deployed over a course of weeks, months, and sometimes years, is crucial in assessing whether a particular relationship is headed towards abuse. There is a window of opportunity in the early stages of a relationship with a serial abuser where there is still time to get out with life and limb. And that time period is during “the brainwashing” phase.
According to Merriam-Webster, brainwashing is defined as:
“Systematic effort to destroy an individual’s former loyalties and beliefs and to substitute loyalty to a new ideology or power. It usually involves isolation from former associates and sources of information; an exacting regimen calling for absolute obedience and humility; strong social pressures and rewards for cooperation; physical and psychological punishments for noncooperation, including social ostracism and criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts, bondage, and torture; and constant reinforcement.”
Typically, the brainwashing processes will recur repetitively in the abusive relationship until the victim becomes exactly the person the abuser wished her to become. This is the point of no return because the abuser has gained control of his partner’s mind. He has instilled fear through violence and intimidation, and, as a result, has sealed her fate in creating a situation too dangerous to leave. It is no surprise then that victims are unwilling and/or unable to leave their abusers.
THE SOLUTION
Remember, domestic violence is an escalating pattern of violence.
Because it is a process, it is possible to identify a batterer before the situation has become violent and possibly deadly. It would be beneficial to have a working understanding of the cycle of abuse in order to identify the behaviors of the abusive personality that are a predictor that a particular partner will ultimately become abusive. A woman may be flattered at first but as time goes on, these behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control her.
Here is a list of some of the behavior to be aware of. This behavior is part of the the brainwashing cycle, and the list is certainly not exhaustive:
• Jealousy: He is jealous of the time the partner spends with friends and family. His usual excuse for these feelings is because “I just love you so much”;
• Controlling: He calls a lot or shows up to the partner’s house or job unannounced. He claims its because he is concerned for his partner’s safety or because he misses her so much;
• Quick involvement: The relationship comes on like a whirlwind, and he asks for a fast commitment because he “has never felt this way about any woman before.” History shows that he actually has;
• Isolation: He cuts his partner off from friends or family with the excuse that he wants to spend all of his free time with his partner;
• Blames the victim: Whenever his behavior appears inappropriate, it is something the partner has done to create the behavior. Because he has been so loving and so perfect up to this point, his partner starts to believe that it must be something she has done to bring on this new behavior. Don’t believe it. It’s just part of the brainwashing;
• Jecklyl and Hyde: He confuses and unbalances his partner by “sudden” changes in mood – making her think that maybe he has some special mental or emotional problems. Yet explosiveness and moodiness are typical of men who abuse their partners.
• Past Abuse: He may actually admit to having abused women in the past but that the woman made him do it to her. Remember, abuse is not situational; it is systemic and part of his mental makeup and personality.
I invite readers to do further research to arm themselves with information.
Most of us have access to Google at our fingertips. Informative websites such as ncadv.org and safeplaceolympia.org provide helpful resources to help women to avoid the pitfalls that could land them into a dangerous relationship with a serial abuser. He cannot hide the telltale behavior traits common in all abusive men.
In the words of the great Maya Angelou,“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Judge Karen Mills-Francis is a former Florida criminal defense and family law attorney. She is a retired Florida state traffic magistrate and county court judge. Mills-Francis is the current host of Supreme Justice with Judge Karen.
