With nothing left to lose, it's time for Obama to get 'real petty'

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For Democrats, this midterm election was A MESS. In my home state of Illinois, which is traditionally blue, we put a Republican in office. Bruce Rauner is the first GOP governor that we’ve had in 16 years. Republicans gained 7 seats in the Senate and are now the majority there too, giving them control of Congress (they run the House).

Where did we drop the ball, liberals? WHAT DID WE DO OR NOT DO? Who do I blame?? Did we take naps and forget to vote? I know we lost because of a combination of voter apathy, voter suppression and who the heck knows what but this tantrum I’m throwing is well-earned. We dropped the ball so hard that I think it was punted out the park, ran over by a car and again by a truck.

One thing that’s obvious, though, is that President Obama is going to have an even tougher time getting things done in the next two years. He was already having to pull teeth to get Congress to do their jobs. Now with Republicans running thangs, he’s going to have to use all his Executive Orders and vetoing power. Barack needs to order ALL THE PENS, crack his knuckles and get to signing things.

READ: What the midterm elections mean for Obama’s last 2 years

I think the President just needs to get real petty. He has nothing to lose as a lame duck President, so who gon check him? He better use that to his advantage to make things happen. This is why I want #PettyBarack to happen. The time of being polite and working with overgrown children with too much power is done for. Just show out!

His first press conference (the one he had yesterday) should have started with him just blank staring the camera for about 5 minutes. His first words should have been: “WTF America??” and Michelle shoulda been behind him side-eying everybody. We should feel properly scolded. Because you know what will NOT happen now that GOP controls Congress? Nice things like non-militarized police departments and women receiving equal pay for equal work.

ANYWAY, I just think Mr. Obama needs to find his inner petty and let it shine. He needs to show out and act a fool because he has nothing to lose. He better make it work for him, and I have suggestions.

I think the President needs to walk into meetings with the Senate Majority while eating Funyuns so he’s really hard to talk to. He gotta show up to the Capitol to challenge random Republicans to duels. But he can just walk past one of them and tell them that their hair is dry.

He gotta start sending calendar invites to Republicans and then when they’re waiting for him in the Oval Office, he should email them with “Ooooo was that today? I’m busy.”

I just want to see him flip ONE podium before he leaves. Just one. At the end of his final press conference as President, he should just dropkick a table before walking out. Don’t listen to me, though. I’m Chairman of the Board of Team Petty. This is why I can’t run for office. I can’t even run to the store. Someone would ask me a question at my press conference and I’d be all “SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU TALKING TO ME.” I am no public servant. “Candidate Luvvie. Did you really call your opponent an idiot?” Me: “I said no such thing. I called him a raggedy scallywag.” My campaign manager would quit because I have no behavior. It just wouldn’t go well.

Barack has been too classy dealing with the disrespect and shenanigans that he has. He needs to start letting folks know how much they got him f*cked up because why not?? He needs to become the ultimate Giver of No Dambs In Chief.

Again, don’t listen to me, though.

Luvvie is a serial ranter and blogger who talks pop culture at Awesomely Luvvie, technology at Awesomely Techie and is the head behind DumbestTweets.com. She can also be found on Twitter (@Luvvie), Facebook and Instagram.

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