Alvin Greene is officially a candidate for the U.S. Senate, having been certified the winner of the Democratic nomination in the state of South Carolina. While the state is known nation-wide for a long line of ridiculous political anecdotes, the selection of Alvin Greene to represent the Democratic Party is, by far, their greatest embarrassment yet. Personally, I’d rather see Strom Thurmond run from the grave than to see the impressively incompetent Alvin Greene get elected for anything. I wouldn’t trust the brother to run a Burger King.

I’m all for the underdog and a powerful success story, especially when it involves an African-American man. But when I saw Alvin Greene, I found myself both shocked and annoyed. In fact, I hit virtually every gamut of the emotional spectrum from laughter to anger, as this man will likely amount to nothing more than the great black dope of 2010.

Nevertheless, here are some quick tips for Greene, as he moves into new political territory (then again Alvin Greene territory is new for all of us):

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1) Please drop out of the race immediately: You and I both know that you don’t belong here. Well, I know, but I’m not sure you’ve figured that out yet or not. I honestly wonder, Mr. Greene, if you are aware that every reporter who interviews you is deliberately asking you questions to help you to further humiliate yourself:

Question: So, did you hold any campaign meetings, fund-raisers or rallies to get elected?

Answer: Well, uhhh no. Nothing formal.

Question: Did you use campaign advertising of any sort?

Answer: Well, I printed out thousands of flyers. No, maybe a hundred. Well, I can’t remember.

Mr. Greene, I believe that you got here illegally. Whoever is using you to undermine the integrity of our political process, please give them their $10,400 filing fee back and walk away. It’s not too late to do the right thing.

2) Dress better for interviews: No, wait. Just stop doing interviews altogether. A person only needs to listen to you for 30 seconds to realize that something’s wrong. The only chance you have of people voting for you is if they don’t hear you speak. So, on second thought, maybe you should keep doing interviews so they don’t vote for you.

3) Don’t debate your opponent: You will only embarrass your family further. Before long, you’ll be the subject of regular spoofs on Saturday Night Live. Even worse, they’ll get the chubby black guy (Kenan Thompson) to play your character.

4) Move out of your father’s house: No grown man should be living with his daddy unless he’s the one paying all the bills. Since you don’t have a job, I can only assume that either your dad is paying your bills, or that they are being paid by your silent “political contributors” who gave you the money to enter the Senate race. But then again, maybe you can afford the bills because you don’t have to pay the public defender who is handling that little pending felony you’re fighting right now.

5) Tell the truth: I want to know exactly where an unemployed man in the middle of a felony case who lives with his parents finds a way to get $10,400 and then uses that money to run in an election for which he doesn’t plan to campaign. I need to know whose idea this was and find a way to keep this from happening again.

The future of American Democracy lies in your hands Alvin Greene, and exposing those who’ve tried to use you might be your greatest achievement yet. By giving up this information in your next interview, you might actually become the American hero you want the rest of us to think you are.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition and the initiator of the National Conversation on Race. For more information, please visit BoyceWatkins.com>