Is there an interracial dating double standard?

OPINION - And who does it bother more, black women or black men?...

May 25, 2010

I remember when I was a teenager, and I asked my older cousin why he didn’t want his sister dating an Asian guy from our school.

With him believing he was the next coming of “pantherdom,” his reply at the time was a basis for how life looked to some blacks in the early 90s, coupled by his fear of folks signing up for a voluntary genocide brought on by ‘Negroes’ mixing with other races and cultures.

His reply, “With a black woman being the mother of our entire culture, and the vessel that carries the seed which time and time again, delivers to us another ebony prince or princess, seeing more ‘thinning done within the crop,’ is like watching the last of our race die out and be replaced by the introduction of a gumbo-esque flock of unknowns.”

Quite the mouthful, but almost exactly how I remember it when I first heard that nonsense back when I was 13.

Needless to say, my older cousin grew up and married himself a white chick from the suburbs, but hearing his remarks about black women doing something he considered taboo was a typical double standard often promoted from those particular black men who also agree with that ridiculous thought process, but find it okay if they step outside the imaginary jurisdiction.

When a brother makes an interracial play, it rarely raises a side eye or provokes more than just a few words of conversation.

If a black woman does it…finds herself a Prince Charming outside of the ebony complexion, for some, that union presents a reason to be upset and for folks to express the why’s and the why not’s about her dating preferences.

Finding love under the rocks within someone else’s garden truly isn’t a big deal or a reason to salute individuality. Why? Because whether you’re arm and arm with a black man, a white man, or an Asian man, etc, the most important thing to remember is that he better be a good man, or there’s no reason why any of us should celebrate that union in the first place.

Although it’s become a norm, spotting a black woman with anyone either than a black mate, is still a rarer find than other blended relationships.

Sure we’re living in an era of acceptance, but that doesn’t mean that when a sister adds a little crème to her mocha latte it doesn’t feel like a thorn in black pride to a few folks who refuse to be cool with those individual choices.

But who does it bother more, black women or black men?

For a lot of women, seeing a black woman arm and arm with an “outsider” usually promotes a “You Go Sister!” moment or the occasional utter of statements such as “I gotta get me one of them,” or “If she can look elsewhere, than so can I.”

On the other hand, when it comes to brothers, even though statistically there’s more of them fraternizing with everyone but a brown skin Nubian princess than we are, they’re still the most vocal about sharing their distaste in the matter. But why?

I could drop a billion scientific and philosophical reasons like my cousin, but there’s a million opinions that would differ from such a skewed analysis. No one person thinks the same way, so guessing would be the equivalent to citing a seemingly picture perfect answer.

So rather than wrestle with my personal theories on how brothers feel about sisters mixing and mingling outside the race, I decided to personally ask a few brothers what their thoughts were on the topic. Here’s what they had to say…

1. When you see a sister with a man from another race, what’s the first thought that comes to your mind?

“Why, does she not date my race or culture anymore? Did she ever? But then if she’s not interesting…who cares.” – B. Matias

“He doesn’t deserve that beautiful black woman. And I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she comes running back to the arms of one of us good black men.” – E. Jones

“Good for dude… that’s if it’s another person of color; people of color dating isn’t an issue for me. But if it’s a sista dating a white guy, then my first thought is, all the grief sista’s have been giving brotha’s for dating white women & now she’s doing the same thing?” – A. Scott

“Personally, I simply wonder if, and hope that she is happy, considering she is open to dating outside her race.”– B. King

“Hey at least she ain’t stupid, black men don’t pay for anything. I guess she decided to get paid.” – D. Ross

2. Do you think sisters are selling out when they date outside their race? If so, why does it bother you?

“I don’t think they’re selling out at all. I feel that they are buying in actually. We live in a multi-cultural world & this country truly shows that. People tend to date in their surroundings. If you’re surrounded by a lot of different cultures, it’s only natural to start dating within those surroundings. It doesn’t bother me, I embrace it!”– A. Scott

“I’m sure everyone you ask this question is going to give a p.c. answer, but I intend to keep it real. Hell yes, she’s selling out the race. It’s bad enough we’re mutts because of slavery, but every time a black woman mixes with someone other than one of us, she’s eliminating our heritage. If a brother does it, it’s not a big deal. And no, that’s not a double standard. black women bring life, and so because of that, anything that comes from them is a reflection of the seed they take in. She can only have white children , Asian children, Hispanic children and so forth—they’re not mixed children unless they come from a black man and white woman. I believe the race of the child is determined by the man.” – E. Jones

“No, I don’t. If they are dating outside their race, it’s because they truly love and care for that person. But if they say they do it because they are tired of black men, then yes. All men have issues.” – E. McBride

“No, I do not think black women are selling out, when the date outside their race. She made a choice to date some guy, and he happens to be of another race.”– B. King

3. A lot of brothers date women of other colors, why do you think sisters get hit so hard with the scrutiny when they do it?

“It’s the oldest double standard, but then if you’re doing it too, you have no right to comment on someone else.” – B. Matias

“Sistas get hit hard because for years they have been the biggest counter or have had the most discourse around the interracial dating situation. It’s like someone saying they dislike a food they have never tried, then after years of saying they don’t like it, they try it & find out it’s pretty good.” – A. Scott

“I think most sisters get the scrutiny because they usually are dating successful White men. Never really seen any real scrutiny with black women dating Asians or Latinos.” – E. McBride

“It goes back to the horrific treatment that black women had to endure during the times of slavery. Also, I believe it is an ego thing. Women in general are objectified and treated as possessions. Therefore, when “any” woman, no matter her race, goes outside the race, she is scrutinized more heavily than a man.”– B. King

“Because life ain’t fair for women, it never has been and that’s messed up!” – D. Ross

4. Do you think it’s wrong of black women to be fed up with the slim pickings of good black men, or should they try and fix the problem instead of looking elsewhere for love?

“Women can’t fix the “problems” but if they raise a male child they are the only ones who can raise the pool of men for the future.”– B. Matias

“I think it’s wrong that you women do so much complaining about black men, and don’t consider how messed up you guys are. There’s plenty of good brothers out here, yall just want a thug in your life, and that’s the majority of the reason why yall are willing to put up with so much bullshit.”– E. Jones

“A little of both. If sistas started setting higher standards & not standing by lack luster brothas, a lot of brothas would change or at least be motivated to. Sistas allow and tolerate it so there has been minimal change. Looking elsewhere is also a good thing cause it will put added pressure on brothas to look at themselves & help sistas find what they are looking for in a man, whatever nationality he may be.” – A. Scott

“Well I believe that some black women have the wrong idea about their role in supporting the black man. Not to say it’s their fault, but over the past 30 years our households have been broken, so every black woman doesn’t know how to FIX THE PROBLEM. They go to where they are secure and happy. Can’t fault them for that.” – E. McBride

“Personally, I do not think there are too few “good black men” out there. There is just far more emphasis placed on negativity, than all the positive black men, in every neighborhood and community in the country. Drugs and gangs are a societal problem, not just a racial one.” – B. King

No, they need to just know what they want and what they need. Plus, that’s a reflection of how black men need to improve. Brothers need to start looking within themselves instead of blaming.” – D. Ross

5. Do you think that a black woman who already has kids by a black man should be dating outside her race and letting someone other than a brother raise her children?

“I believe any man can raise a child as long as they respect their culture and take care of their mother.” – B. Matias

“There’s no problem with a person of another race raising kids of another ethnicity. As long as both adults agree and are up to the task of raising that child, nothing else really matters. Kids don’t bother with those issues, they’re basic. Good care is good care, no matter who it’s from.” – A. Scott

“No other man should raise the kids if the father is still involved in their lives, period. If the father isn’t around and that’s who she is dating, then he is a good man for raising them. Bravo to her and him.” – E. McBride

“I don’t see anything wrong with this. A child should have a loving environment to grow and learn in. If that woman finds these qualities in a man outside her race, so be it.” – B. King

“I totally disagree with a White man raising black kids unless he’s filthy rich. If they’re struggling just like if being with a black man, then it’s pointless to put the White influence on the child.” – D. Ross

6. Do you feel like interracial dating is slowly eliminating the race?

“Not at all. People are always going to continue to date within their race. Not only that, but the face and/or color of all races will gradually change over time. It’s just a fact of life.”– A. Scott

“I sure do, but since America wants to promote all this assimilation mess, with movies like “Something New,” you sisters are really happy to buy into the media and governments plan to eliminate the black race and culture.” – E . Jones

“No, because some people will have preferences based on the environment they were raised in. If anything it’s creating more races.” – E. McBride

“The race has already been eliminated. We can’t trace our roots as is, so genocide is an afterthought as far as I’m concerned.” – D. Ross

7. Anything else you want to share on this subject?

“No. I believe that everyone, of this country, is a mixture of races.”– B. King

“As a brotha that has been involved in relationships with sistas, as well as other ethnicities, people are people. You’ll have the same disagreements, may or may not share similar likes/dislikes, family situations won’t differ a whole lot, and love will be the same. People come together for whatever reason, but it’s strictly between those two people.”– A. Scott

“Remember where you came from… the Motherland. That’s where we need to get back to in order to fix all the problems. Their interracial this or that won’t even be a factor when we’re all together as one.”– E. Jones

“I think people should follow their heart when dating someone, not just color. If you see someone of another race that attracts you and you have good chemistry, pursue the relationship. You can’t make everyone happy, so you might as well make sure you are.” – E. McBride

“I think people simply want and deserve to be happy. If you find this special gift in someone outside of your race, I suggest you grab on and nurture this kind of love. Many same race couples are unhappy as hell. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are of the same race, and everything to do with their individual compatibility with one another. Also, physical attraction plays a big role too. If you are a black woman, and simply are attracted to darker complexion men, then that is what you’re attracted to. Does he have to be “black”? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. At the end of the day, we all want to grow old with someone that we have enjoyed loving, and choose to walk through this precious life with. I would rather be happy being with a White, Latina, Native American, Indian, Asian, etc. woman, than unhappy with a black woman, and being with her, just because she is of the same race as I am.” – B. King

“It’s 2010 and there’s this stigma on Interracial Dating, still. This shows the climate of the world and how we rank as black men. It’s a shame that we’re so pitiful- going to jail and living like savages for all our days… black men need to really rise up, even in obscurity, to do the right thing. The problem is that it’s too lucrative to be grimey, if you’re the average black man with prior experience in the system. The whole street lifestyle transcends itself into the depths of any family, love, or tragic situation. We need to learn from our history instead of repeating it, then maybe all these black women wouldn’t like functional non-prison infested Europeans.” -D. Ross