Controversial letter goes viral as readers discuss 'race play,' a sexual fetish involving racial slurs
theGRIO REPORT - There is an important relationship lesson we can all glean from the colloquy spurred by this highly unusual missive...
The importance of communication
As shocking as that may seem, what is worse is marrying someone without knowing where his or her sexual preferences lie.
“If you are committing to spend the rest of your life with someone, honest and open communication about your sexuality is something to ignore at your own peril — and the peril of your relationship,” Williams stated. “Though it can be awkward, it helps to minimize the risk of mismatched intentions and desires.”
Williams noted that “Black and Proud” had only known her husband for six months before their marriage, according to her letter. The bondage and submission expert theorized that her husband may have had desires related to “race play” that he failed to share during courtship, “because he was reluctant to ‘scare her off,'” Williams wrote.
She also mentioned the different levels of comfort with “kink” observable among people of different racial backgrounds. This may have been a factor impacting “Black and Proud” and her interracial union. “Talking about your sexuality not only in terms of your personal experiences, but also within the framework of your racial and cultural experience can open up whole new realms of communication that can engage mutual compassion and expanded understanding.”
Can “race play” and mutual respect co-exist?
The greatest debate that emerged from this online exchange was over whether a white man can love and respect a black woman who he also calls the worst terms. Many commented that this is impossible.
Williams countered that mutual love and respect are certainly possible between participants in “race play,” and perhaps may even be enhanced by it.
“Love and respect [are] not guaranteed by avoiding certain modes of speech, nor [are they] obviated by the presence of seemingly hateful speech,” Williams wrote. “One of the most remarkable things I have found about exploring uncomfortable sexual fantasies is that it takes an enormous amount of trust, love and respect simply to share these fantasies.”
Yet, Williams acknowledges, partners cannot jump into this type of intimacy without setting some serious boundaries first, which the husband of “Black and Proud” evidently failed to do, regardless of whether “race play” was explicitly involved.
“I cannot stress enough the absolute need for consent on ALL sides of this equation,” Williams asserted. “Without consent, without a strong affirmative from ALL involved parties, this moves from the realm of edgy role-play to abuse. Straight up, end of story, no compromise. Love and respect can look like a hug and a kiss, a bow and a curtsy, or inescapable bondage and brutal words. What is vital – what is real – is the love and consent and respect that embraces ALL of who we are, not just the easy parts.”
What we can learn from this story
Whoever she may be, it is extremely sad that “Black and Proud” is facing such a difficult marital problem. Most will likely never engage in “race play,” and hopefully will never be exposed to unwanted language in any context, let alone in an intensely vulnerable setting such as sexual expression.
Yet, there is an important relationship lesson we can glean from the colloquy spurred by this highly unusual missive.
By exposing a curious fringe realm of sexuality, this topic has underscored the need to honestly and openly communicate one’s true sexual needs as essential to the success of any sexual partnership — regardless of how “kinky” or traditional those needs may be.
Follow Alexis Garrett Stodghill on Twitter at @lexisb.
