Imagining the splendor of Kanye and Kim’s Italian wedding
Word on these streets is that the King and Queen of Can’t Have a Seat (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) will be getting married Saturday in Florence, Italy. These two do not know how NOT to be extra, which means the wedding will probably be overly gaudy, full of the who’s who of Hollywood and fashion and super expensive.
It’s all so exciting, and I’m REALLY looking forward to the fittings, the tantrums, the tears! Kim will be there too!
How I imagine the day will go is this: Kanye will have his tuxedo flown in from Egypt, because it had to be taken to the Pyramids for a special blessing beforehand. It will be made of silk that was hand-sewn by a toothless 100-year old woman who lives in the Appalachian Mountains. He will drape it with King Jaffe Joffer’s lion fur because there is nothing less on this special day.
His shoes will be Lanvin, with royal pony hair. His main accessory will be his trademark scowl, and maybe his gold grill.
Meanwhile, Kim will be squozed (yes, because squeezed just won’t do this justice) in a bodycon wedding dress that’s diamond-encrusted with a mermaid tail. There will be cutouts on the hips, and every Instagram fashion designer will be replicating it by tomorrow morning. Her face will be snatched to perfection with all the contouring and highlighting we can all stand. Her shoes will be the first ever Louboutin Balenciaga Laurent (LouCiagaRent) collaboration because Kim couldn’t decide who to wear so Kanye called them all and begged on her behalf.
I’m already into it.
I imagine that Kanye will have angels hanging from the ceiling of the chapel, just like Tyler Perry did. Except these angels will be rapping his songs instead of playing harps as the wedding party walks in. When the bridesmaids and groomsmen are all settled in the front of the church, the ceiling will open, and a helicopter will drop in. Everyone was probably told in advance to hold on to their wigs and not wear hats. Kanye will exit the copter as lights flash, rapping “I gotta testify. Come up in the spot looking extra fly…”
Then it’ll be Kim’s turn. She’ll do the regular bride thing, and as she walks down the aisles, she’ll say “hey girl” at random intervals in that baby voice of hers.
Kris Jenner will be holding Nori, who will be looking like the cutest little cloud in her all white princess dress. She will be the only member of the Kardashian-West family who took simplicity to heart on this day. It will work for her. Anna Wintour will be in the first row looking bored, as always. Dang it, I can’t wait to see pics.
They will promise to love and honor each other for as long as they can both annoy everyone together and force each other upon everyone else. It will be touching when Kanye says something about Kim’s butt being his muse and when Kim thanks him for making her a better dresser (HA!).
When they say their “I Do’s” and leave the church, people will throw the crumbs of the last meteor that crashed into the Earth at Kanye and Kim, instead of rice. Because that’s how they roll.
You know Kanye is gonna perform at the reception. And Kim will change into another bodycon dress. Jay-Z and Beyonce will send a recorded greeting telling the couple “Congratulations and sorry we couldn’t make it!” Everyone will kick it hardcore, and it will turn into an all-star concert as the other epic musicians in the house just take it to the mic for the best Karaoke night you ever didn’t see. It will be the awesomest, most gaudiest wedding ever. And we will all be jealous we weren’t there.
Ugh! Why didn’t they invite me to this? I totally could have tweeted the action to the masses. It’s cool. They probably lost my invitation since these last 6 months have been busy for them. I hope they live-stream it. Because I’m nosy and this is the type of trivia I revel in.
Congrats to KimYe West-Kardashian on the holy matrimony! What fame has brought together, let no man (or tweet) put asunder! I take a sip of this pink moscato in their honor.
Luvvie is a serial ranter and blogger who talks pop culture at Awesomely Luvvie, technology at Awesomely Techie and is the head behind DumbestTweets.com. She can also be found on Twitter (@Luvvie), Facebook and Instagram.