The Hilarious Cast of Characters at #BlackThanksgiving
When it comes to Black Thanksgiving, the only thing as important as what’s on the table is who is at the table. Here’s our cast of characters to avoid once you fix your plate and start looking for a seat:
Your youngest auntie who is in her mid-50’s now but still got that “baby of the family” swag. She’s not married but she’s always fixin’ a plate for her man who never comes around because he has no job and four baby mommas.
That dummy who thought your momma meant “mashed potatoes” instead of potato salad last year and damn near caused a riot.
Your cousin who owes you $300 but rolled up in a new whip and a new lace-front that is clearly beyond both of your budgets.
Your great auntie who wants to know how your “prayer life” is going. She always throwing low-key shade because you don’t come around enough and says things like “as long as you ain’t too busy for Jesus…”
Your bougie auntie who always brings a dessert from Starbucks or Panera and doesn’t understand why the box isn’t opened at the end of the night. She can’t figure out why anyone would go to the store on Thanksgiving night just to save a few bucks and she “doesn’t get why we can’t all just pitch in to order the whole meal from Whole Foods.
Your broke cousin who expects someone to bring them a plate because they been in the Best Buy line since Tuesday morning so they call every 15 minutes to make sure you don’t forget the sweet potato pie.
Your player cousin who already brought his sidepiece by earlier but wants you to play like this is the first time you seen him all day when he shows up with his main chick.
Your baby cousin who is home from her first semester at college and everybody low-key wondering if she is a lesbian because her hair is too short and she brought her roommate instead of her boo.
The uncle who is always trying to follow the young folks when they go in the car to smoke.
Your uncle who ain’t really your uncle but he been cool with your daddy and his brothers forever and but he always puts the soft-pack of Newports on the table and looks at your newly-grown baby cousin too long so you wanna fight.
Your “auntie” from church who is clearly way too old to be your blood auntie but she always bring the bomb deviled eggs so she cool.
The white girl with no family in town that someone invited from their job who brought pumpkin pie.
The deacon who always serves himself first after dragging the blessing way too long.
The cousin who makes everybody wait while she let her 3-year-old ramble a rhyming prayer for seven minutes because he starts over every time someone tries to rush him.
Your cousin who showed up with her boyfriend and his six kids and three nephews and baby sister and ex-mother in law but only brought a six-pack and some napkins.