When and how to tell a date about your kids
Drop anyone who does not understand that you and your child are a package deal.
When it comes to dating — when it comes to most anything — I’m not here to waste anyone’s time, but that doesn’t mean I always reveal I have kids. As a single parent on the dating scene, it is crucial to who I am but not in the way you may think.
When
Never for a hookup
It’s not their business if you have kids or don’t. Honestly, they probably don’t want to hear about it either. They don’t care about your kid’s bathroom habits or school test or latest milestone. If anything, it kills the mood.
Also, when I have the free time to get to it, I’m trying to get to it. I want us to have fun and then hit the road. I have work or I have very little free time left to do something I want to do like sit in blessed silence. That means I’m not trying to make extra conversation or cuddle or sleep next to someone who snores like a freight train. Get in and get out.
To summarize: Say nothing about your kids to your hookups until one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the night and needs something. (Hopefully that doesn’t happen.)
A few ways to avoid that:
- Wait until it is co-parent’s night with the kids
- Get a sitter or have a family member do bedtime
- Have your fun at their house or a third location like a hotel (in the hookup community you say you cannot host)
Third-date rule?
If you’re trying to actually have a relationship (short- or long-term), let it be known that you have kids right away. It used to be that you shouldn’t tell the person you have kids until the third date, but we aren’t trying to trap anyone. Our kids are also non-negotiable parts of our lives and that should be respected.
Just like friends, a potential partner has to understand that time together has to be scheduled. You probably can’t just meet up for dinner the same night. You may not have the weekend free. Coffee might have to be scheduled around school pickup.
Make it clear from the jump:
- Most dating apps have a space for you to say whether you have kids and if you want more.
- If you can’t schedule a date until a week out because of schedules or childcare, be honest. Let them know you’re still interested but your kids come first. Maybe they’ll offer to cover the cost of a sitter.
How
Time to say it. You’ve moved from the dating app chat to texting. The fact that you have kids is in your profile, but you haven’t brought them up yet.
Bring up their kids
This is the easiest way. If you’re in your 30s like me, there’s a good chance your date also has kids so if their profile says they do, then ask how old they are. You can follow up by sharing how old your kid is.
Use a funny anecdote
Try a back-pocket joke, something a little off-color like how most young kids pronounce firetruck as firef–k. I also use this opportunity to let my date know my daughter has ADHD by talking about how cute she is, that she talks a million miles a minute until the literal minute she falls asleep. She is neurodivergent, which isn’t for everyone, but she’s mine. Her idiosyncrasies are also endearing when looked at positively.
Leave the baby mama drama
You do not want to be that person. It didn’t work out for whatever reason. Now you have the custody you have. When you’re just easing them into the fact that there’s a kid attached to the deal, let them have a minute — or several months — to breathe before you talk about how and why you broke up with the other parent.
Responses
Acceptance
The only weird story I have about this is when I was hooking up with a guy and he made a (negative) comment about how all women had kids nowadays. I was already at his house, two glasses of wine in after meeting at the bar. I have a noticeable C-section scar. He saw my hesitation as the conversation screeched to a halt and asked. I explained that it doesn’t really matter because we aren’t looking to date each other, but I do have kids.
The look on his face while he backtracked? Priceless.
Ghosts
I have found, when dating, more often it is the straight men who have issues with the fact that I have kids. When I say I need to schedule a date and I only have certain times available, they balk or ghost. I let it go because, who cares? There are literally billions of other people in the world.
Mismatched schedules
There’s also the case of dating another single parent or someone with a very busy personal life. Schedules just don’t line up. In my case, they have their kids the week I don’t have mine. Neither one of us wanted to take time away from our kids to go on a date, or introduce a date to our kids too soon. So we had to move on.
Partners with caveats
Because I am always upfront, I’ve never had someone react negatively or give me an ultimatum. Drop anyone who does not understand that your kid and you are a package deal; that if this relationship were to get serious, the child would be together in life with you and your partner.
Aja Hannah is a writer, traveler, and mama. As secretary of the Society of America Travel Writers: Central States Chapter, she prioritizes travel with an ecotourism or human-first focus. She believes in the Oxford comma, cheap flights, and a daily dose of chocolate.
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