The secret formula for holiday conversations that won’t lead to a fight
Spending time with family can be a beloved part of the holiday for some, but a stressful occasion for others.
The holidays can be a time for friends and family to come together. But if festivities in the upcoming days leave you dreading tension-filled conversations and disagreements at the dinner table, head to your next holiday party with this secret formula for avoiding arguments.
Spending time with family can be a beloved part of the holiday for some, but a stressful occasion for others. Even close families can face disagreements. Past grudges, sibling rivalries, parental pressure, opposing personalities and — particularly in recent months — differing political opinions can come to a head during the busy holiday season.
The goal is not to avoid meaningful conversation. Instead, going to family gatherings prepared with thoughtful conversation topics and an escape plan for derailed conversations will help you keep the peace this holiday season.
Why the holidays are often associated with family fights
A survey by Preply in 2023 revealed that 46% of people have experienced a heated fight during the holiday season. For about 15% of people, a fight has been so heated that they have lost contact with a relative over it.
The topics of fights can vary. Politics is a divisive issue that will be a popular subject in many American households following the November election. Relationships, finances, health and weight, social issues and family gossip are some of the other topics likely to be touchy.
Challenging topics can come to a head during the holidays. Psychology Today notes that exhaustion during the busy time of year and overindulgence in alcohol can leave tempers running high. They also mention how returning to a childhood home or neighborhood can also bring up past family drama while the pressure of a perfect holiday can put more stress on you.
When you need to get through the holidays without a fight, avoiding these more sensitive topics is a great first step. From there, being more intentional about the conversation can help keep others from introducing topics that might spark arguments.
Preparing conversation topics
The best formula for navigating different opinions or uncouth relatives during the Christmas season is to have your conversations ready to go before the party starts. To avoid scripted small talk, these conversations are built around shared interests and fun questions that can help you discover more about your loved ones.
As you plan, think of what you know about your family and friends. This enables you to customize questions and forgo any that might bring up sore points.
Memories and traditions
The holiday season is all about tradition for many people. Sharing happy memories can make for lovely conversation.
Try conversation starters like, “What’s a holiday tradition we should bring back?” or “What is the funniest holiday memory you have?” “What’s your favorite holiday food?” may start off a light-hearted debate, but could also be a chance to introduce new dishes like Mexican street corn to your holiday table. Of course, you’ll want to be sure not to choose memories of past fights or sibling rivalries.
Travel plans
Find out where friends and family have traveled. Travel experiences can leave lasting memories that can be fun to share. Ask about where people have visited and what they did there. Travel mishaps or places that you have all visited at different times can make for interesting stories that will keep you talking and laughing all night.
Hobbies, experiences and passions
Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Family and friends that you haven’t seen in a while may have picked up new hobbies or simply dived deeper into existing passions. Catch up with what people are currently involved in. Ask what kinds of experiences they’ve had since you saw them last. They may have created something, attended a class or tried something new.
In addition to learning more about people, you may even find a shared interest. You might also discover something you would like to try yourself.
Music, TV shows, video games and movies
Media is a fantastic way to find common ground. Listening to the same music, watching the same shows or playing the same games gives you the benefit of shared experience. Even if you have not seen or listened to the same media, learning each other’s preferences and making recommendations helps you focus on the similarities and avoid disagreements.
How to navigate sensitive moments
Despite your best efforts, others in your family might bring up subjects that could be uncomfortable for you or set the scene for an argument. Having a plan for managing these moments helps avoid conflict.
If your family can calmly discuss difficult subjects, try to encourage active listening. This means completely hearing out what someone has to say and asking questions. Try to come from a perspective of curiosity rather than judgment. When everyone in the conversation can practice active listening, you might find some common ground arising from opposing opinions.
Unfortunately, there may be times when a relaxed discussion is not possible. Maybe beliefs are too fundamentally held or emotions are running high. If this happens, you can change the topic. Bring up a recent, non-contentious news item, deflect or even ask someone else to choose a new topic.
You can also leave the conversation. Excuse yourself to talk with someone else, go on a walk, do a chore or take a nap. The time apart can let tensions cool.
Other ways to keep your holiday lighthearted
Whether you are hosting or traveling to be with family, getting the focus of your gathering away from conversation can also help reduce the risk of a fight. Play games together, such as a board game or social game. Watch a favorite holiday movie. Try out a new recipe together to prepare for a Christmas meal, such as learning how to make spaghetti squash.
You can also make food the focus of a gathering. From snack items, like chocolates or rosemary roasted almonds, to serving a delicious meal, food will keep people occupied and in good spirits.
By setting everyone’s mind to a task that you do together, you’ll still benefit from shared experiences. Yet at the same time, there is less room for unguided conversation.
Enjoy family, friends and good conversations this holiday season
Christmas dinners and holiday gatherings can bring family together, but they can also cause lasting rifts if your family is prone to fighting. This year, prepare for your holiday get-togethers with conversation topics and a plan for distraction to minimize disagreements. If you do find yourself struggling during the holidays, remember to give yourself grace and take the time and space you need this season.
Sharon Rhodes is the creative force behind the food blog The Honour System. Passionate about all things homemade, Sharon is a seasoned recipe curator focused on making healthier cooking and baking accessible to all.
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