A military widow reflects on life, loss and moving forward

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For many, Memorial Day is about the start of summer, cookouts and trips to the beach. While those activities celebrate the freedoms we enjoy, for the families of our fallen troops, Memorial Day is deeply personal.

It’s a day when I remember my husband, Army Brigadier General Tom Carroll, who died in Alaska in 1992 alongside 7 other soldiers during what should have been a routine flight. I remember his looks, his personality, his love for classic cars, and most especially – his smile.

I also remember on Memorial Day the journey through grief that I and thousands of other military families have made. The feelings I carry on Memorial Day are a mixture of pride in his service, joy in remembering him, and sorrow over his death – all bundled inside one person.

The months after Tom’s death were hard for me – and for the other families whose loved ones died. When we gathered for the anniversary of that crash, we found strength in each other – finding true understanding and peer support.

I designed the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) to fill gaps in care. Today, TAPS provides comfort and care to all those grieving the death of a loved one in military service to America. We offer peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, grief seminars and retreats for adults, Good Grief Camps for children, case work assistance, connections to community-based care, online and in-person support groups and a 24/7 resource and information helpline for all who have been affected by a death in the Armed Forces.

TAPS has assisted more than 50,000 people affected by military deaths in combat, training accidents, illness and by suicide. This may be our last Memorial Day with U.S. combat troops in Afghanistan. While our nation is moving forward, the reality is that our military families will live with loss for a lifetime.

It takes on average, 5-7 years to reach a “new normal” after suffering a traumatic loss. Hundreds of children and teens attend our TAPS Good Grief Camp year after year, for help in coping with the loss that they live with every day.

More than 2,400 people will gather this weekend near Washington, DC, to participate over Memorial Day weekend in the TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp. One of the children who “grew up” attending camp wrote to me recently:

“After losing my dad, I was able to find other kids who knew how I felt. We learned stuff on how to grieve, and I don’t feel that isolated and alone anymore. Now that I am 18 and headed off to college, I want to be there and support those younger kids who are just like I was at 5-years old. I want to give them the same life-changing experience I had at TAPS, that chance to wear the red tee shirt and backpack and just feel normal for a few days.”

Children like Weston, who lost his dad in 2002 during preparation for deployment, show the need for long-term TAPS support services. The needs of these families will go far beyond the end of hostilities.

It is my hope that our nation does not forget our military families who have paid the ultimate price in service to country. We won’t forget them, and we stand ready to help — whether a death occurs on the drill field, on foreign soil, or here at home.

When I walk into the amphitheater at Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial Day alongside Weston and hundreds of others who have lost a loved one serving our country – I will remember Tom and so many others who have given so much to this country. We have our freedoms and dreams today – because of their sacrifices. And I will renew my commitment to honor our fallen military troops every day, by continuing the TAPS mission to care for their families. Won’t you join us?

Bonnie Carroll is a military widow and the founder of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS). Get more information about TAPS at www.taps.org.