If Donald Trump has proven anything in the last few years, it’s that he’s damn near as bulletproof as his blonde wig. He can say and do all the heinous shit his bean-sized heart desires and achieve (and retain) the highest office in the land. Great role model for the kids!
That said, Trump has what I’m sure is an unprecedented amount of legal drama for a sitting president; anyone leading the charge to get his ass hauled out of the Oval Office (and preferably into a jail cell) wins a place at the cookout, regardless of race. Just as anyone singing his praises for any reason will have their invitation revoked with extreme prejudice (we’re looking at you, Kanye).
Dope Michael vs Whack Michael
That’s why we’re crafting an engraved invitation to the cookout on that expensive Hobby Lobby stock for Michael Avenatti, attorney for adult film star Stormy Daniels in her ongoing legal drama with Trump involving hush money paid to keep their extramarital affair quiet.
Avenatti (heretofore known as “Dope Michael”) has a somewhat dicey edict. He has to prove that the leader of the free world violated campaign finance laws by using his lawyer, Michael Cohen (heretofore known as “Wack Michael”), to pay Daniels $130,000 to not go public during Trump presidential campaign with the fact that they had sex, (complete with ass-paddling), while he was married to wife Melania.
(By the way, that gets no easier to read as it does to write it considering we’re talking about the guy with his hands on the nukes.)
Dope Michael has a serious ace in his pocket: He’s completely media savvy. If you stayed in the crib with the television on at any point this past weekend, you likely saw his face. He appeared on Tonight with Don Lemon, Morning Joe, and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, among others.
Among the recipients of Dope Michael’s ire was Negro hater and human dingleberry Rudolph Giuliani. He set the former New York City mayor and eternal Crest 3D Whitestrips candidate straight following Giuliani’s trashbag ABC interview, stating that he doesn’t seem to understand much about campaign finance law and added that his mere presence on Trump’s legal team is “the latest in a series of train wrecks.”
Dope Michael also had some choice words for Wack Michael. He did a impromptu press conference last month warning everyone who had any business with Wack Michael in the last two decades to hide yo kid, hide yo wife.
Stormy Daniels lawyer Michael Avenatti calls Trump personal attorney Michael Cohen “radioactive.”
— ABC News Politics (@ABCPolitics) April 16, 2018
Clap Back Game is Strong
Dope Michael also has a Twitter feed that he’s not even remotely afraid to use. Dude is basically the non-evil version of Trump – he goes hard in the paint and is entirely unafraid to clap at folks when he deems it necessary.
Rudy Giuliani – the only “ambulance” I have ever chased in my career is the one you are driving right now in a desperate attempt to save this presidency. Any time you would like to compare our legal careers and cases over the last 15 yrs, I would be happy to. #sirens #basta
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) May 3, 2018
Mr. Giuliani is clearly dazed and confused. Never before has the truth been such an elusive concept. What will the story be tomorrow?
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) May 4, 2018
Whatever happens @foxandfriends, please do not stop helping our case week in and week out by having Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani appear and make damaging stmts. You are truly THE BEST; where can we send the gift basket? #basta
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) May 3, 2018
My personal favorite is when Dope Michael came at all you sinners talking trash about Daniels’ career of choice, as if being an actress in a nearly $100 billion industry somehow renders her not credible. You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to God or Dope Michael.
For those that criticize my client for her profession, let he or she who has NEVER voluntarily viewed ANY form of pornography or gone to a strip club or burlesque show throw as many stones as they wish. As for the others (dare I say over 95%) – BASTA!!! #ownit #dontbeahypocrite
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) April 23, 2018
It helps matters that Dope Michael has a face that looks like it was carved from marble in the Vatican. He looks like his diet consists of nothing but kale smoothies and the souls of his legal opponents. Be wary of the dude who looks good in front of cameras – he’ll sell you the draws off your own ass. He might have a few financial issues, but he’s single, ladies!
READ MORE: VP Pence’s Doctor Calls It Quits
As for Daniels, who saw her “adulting” heyday in the mid-aughts, she seems to be enjoying her time in the spotlight. She made an appearance on Saturday Night Live opposite Alec Baldwin’s Trump, and recently shot a new, um, “scene” on a site that I, uhh, didn’t visit myself but maybe heard about from a friend’s cousin’s uncle.
Since it’s looking increasingly unlikely that Wack Michael will escape this whole clusterf— without sitting down in Club Fed for a bit, Dope Michael might just be the hero we need to implicate the president in something that will actually take his Teflon-coated ass down. If he ends up being the catalyst to get this man far away from the White House, he’ll be forever tasked to bring the hot dog buns to the cookout.
I suppose maybe we’ll allow him to bring Daniels as his plus-one. But she’d strictly be on forks and napkins duty.
Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.