Let a sister dream: 5 fines and penalties I’d impose on Ray Ray and ‘nem for catcalling
No, I will not smile. Fool.
Since France is considering slapping fines on men who catcall, this writer wonders how such a plan might work out in her hood in Harlem.
The French National Assembly just passed a bill that would impose a 750 euro (that’s $885 American bucks) fine on people (but really, they mean men) for catcalling and street harassment. If it passes the Senate, the law will likely make Pierre and Armand think twice before blowing kisses at some passing Parisian beauty.
“Some say we will kill the culture of the French lover if we punish street harassment,” Gender Equality Minister Marlène Schiappa said in an interview with Reuters. “But it’s the opposite. We want to preserve seduction, chivalry and ‘l’amour à la française’ by saying what is key is consent. Between consenting adults everything is allowed; we can seduce, talk, but if someone says ‘no’, it’s ‘no’ and it’s final.”
That’s very progressive of France since street harassment is a major issue all over the world. Every day, women have to make split-second decisions on how to respond to unwanted advances as we walk our dog, ride the subway, run an errand, exercise, pick up groceries or any number of normal activities that we would rather do in peace.
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If this passes, France will be making a big step towards formally criminalizing a behavior that ranges from annoying to terrifying. It got me thinking about what kind of fines/penalties I would impose on the men who catcall and harass in my Harlem neighborhood.
You know how traffic cams* can now snag your license plate if you’re caught violating the rules of the road. Typically, drivers now receive a pricey ticket in the mail as a reminder of their wayward ways. My catcalling fines would be similarly imposed. Somebody’s watching you Ray Ray! It would be satisfying to know that even if I wasn’t really in the in a position to call out some harassing dude, he’d still be getting his comeuppance.
Here are my proposed fines/penalties. Let’s see if you agree!
1. OFFENSE: Ending a Compliment With “F*ck you then!” or some other unpleasantness
PENALTY: Write down the unpleasant part, put it in an envelope and give it to yo mama
Booooy, stop playing. Sometimes when a guy does not get the desired response from his unsolicited “compliment,” he’ll turn it around and say some version of “F*ck you then” and perhaps continue with an even deeper insult. In such an instance, said offender will give that unpleasantness to his mama in writing so she can see first-hand how that man-child she may or may not have raised is treating women. I think this penalty will be especially effective.
2. OFFENSE: Commanding a woman to smile
PENALTY: Smile all damn day
Why do some guys do that “Smile!” thing? It’s so annoying. Maybe my puppy just died, maybe I lost my job, or maybe I just don’t feel like smiling. As punishment for demanding some random woman to smile, the offender must smile all day and there will be women on hand commanding said smile whenever it falters. It sounds like a slap on the wrist, but it would definitely make the offender understand how absurd it is to smile on command. He’ll have a new attitude after smiling as he stands in line at the post office looking goofy as hell.
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3. OFFENSE: Staring at a woman like a piece of meat
PENALTY: $200 spa gift certificate
Lecherous Larry is the term I use for staring ass dudes. You know those creepy types who are practically licking their lips when they see any person they believe to be in ownership of a vagina. Ick. After experiencing that sense of invasion, any woman would feel like she needs a shower, so why not let Lecherous Larry give the poor traumatized woman a spa gift certificate to wash and massage away that dirt, stink, and ashiness. Nasty behind.
4. OFFENSE: Staring at a woman like a piece of meat in the gym
PENALTY: $200 spa gift certificate and Banned from the gym
Guess what, guys? When we women go to the gym, we usually dress to, ya know, do exercise type things, so that means breathable clothes that are probably tight, maybe even showing some skin. That is not an invitation to ogle. To be sure, some women put on a full face of make-up, get their hair done, put on a cute little workout outfit and take five pics for the ‘Gram as a “gym selfie” only to then parade past the weights as they head out the door. I’m not talking about those women (though you shouldn’t ogle them either. Go slide in their DMs if they gave you the IG handle). I’m talking about the women who came to the gym to work out, just like the guys who are there to work out. If you get caught being a creep at the gym, you gotta go! And you’re buying the spa gift certificate too. Double nasty behind.
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5. OFFENSE: Saying anything about what sexual things you would do to someone
PENALTY: Go straight to hell
Some guys like to think that women actually enjoy street harassment. They think that it’s flattering. They think women are only offended if they don’t find the dude attractive. This is false. If Idris Elba’s doppelganger was standing on 125th Street and St. Nick in Harlem talking about “Daaaaamn, I would * bleep* that bleep up” to a woman he doesn’t know, he wouldn’t get any rhythm either. The woman might think “Well, that’s a waste of a fine man,” but she would not be checking for him. Trust. Personally, I don’t like to feel objectified and especially not while I’m, say, going to the grocery store. The sidewalk is not the venue to express sexual fantasies.
What do you think about my catcalling fines/penalties? Would you make any additions or amendments?
*I’m fully aware that our communities are surveilled enough. I would never seriously be for installing catcalling cams. Relax and laugh or something.
Follow Demetria Irwin on Twitter at @Love_Is_Dope and connect with her on Facebook.
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