6 of this week’s best white tears, fails, and just general pale foolery

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Perhaps the best thing about the internet – outside of heavily discounted retail shopping and adult films (err, or so I’ve heard) – is that it serves as a vessel for white people white people-ing for the world’s amusement and disgust. Not for nothing, they really seem to be giving us a lot to consume these days and here are the latest six examples.

An eviction from ya mama

In an incident that wouldn’t be out of place on the old-school Montel Williams show, Michael Rotondo became part of perhaps the most high-profile eviction ever when his parents, Mark and Christina Rotondo, took their 30-year-old son to court to get him legally removed from their house in New York state because he wouldn’t leave on his own.

Apparently, the parents provided Rotondo with several formal notices and an offer of more than $1,000 in cash to find somewhere else to live. Seems pretty generous to me considering that, in most black families I know, “formal notices” would be substituted for “threats of imminent violence.”

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Dude looks like he plays Fortnite until 4 a.m. every night and Sharpies his name on the Sunny D in the fridge, so should it come as no surprise to anyone that he’s been getting over on the two people who love him the most. Apparently content with never feeling the touch of a woman again, Rotondo is milking this thing for all it’s worth, even making appearances on national media to tell his weak-ass side of the story.

A part of me doesn’t feel bad for the parents since they raised an unrepentantly trifling child content with being a dingleberry on the body politic. On the other hand, as someone who has jumped through the expensive and stressful hoops of evicting deadbeats from a building, I have nothing but disdain for Chunky Jesus and I wish for him all the bad things.

Your favorite ‘trans-racial’ welfare queen

Everyone’s favorite horseradish chameleon Rachel Dolezal is facing problems that run much deeper than her years spent as a sentient punching bag for Black women: turns out she’s been charged with welfare fraud and perjury for finessing the system for nearly $9,000. Apparently someone actually was buying “Nkechi Diallo’s” artwork after all. I wonder how those protective hairstyles will hold up in prison…

Woman lets off a deuce at Tim Hortons

Is it odd that I admire the bowel control of this woman who, in an apparent rage over not being granted a bathroom key at a Tim Hortons restaurant, shot a deuce directly on the floor of the restaurant, then scooped it up and hurled it at the employees like the world’s boniest, pinkest gibbon? Like, I could never pull that off without shyness getting the best of me. I’d pay paper money to hear the audio, but I get the feeling that the whole affair is even more profound without it.

Becky and the bee

Scottish woman Fiona Presly, who probably hasn’t received so much as an email in weeks from her ingrate kids, found a wingless bumble bee mulling about in her garden. What did she do with an animal that most of us go out of our way to avoid and often don’t notice when it’s in the same room…? She had regular rendezvous with it. She even built it a nice home. Since bees only have a lifespan of the average Kardashian union, Presly’s little friend has recently passed. Pour out some liquor. (Or honey wine?)

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Goofy chick drops n-bomb at a Kendrick concert

It took just one goofball-ass white girl doing something on-stage at a Kendrick Lamar concert that she should’ve known would make her go viral to re-ignite the most annoying “debate” ever – whether white people should have any dominion over the N-word since rappers use it. It’s a discussion we’ve been having since I was in high school decades ago, and it’s dustier than Donald and Melania’s sex life. Yet white folks are still having trouble with it.

Kinda lost some respect for @kendricklamar for humiliating the girl HE brought on stage for using the N word while singing the song that HE wrote. Does he really think that all white people jam out to his music in their car and censor that word out? Bc they don’t.

— brooke (@brookesimonds) May 22, 2018

#KendrickLamar is a dick.
He can sing the N word in his song but a white girl cant. How about no one says it? – don’t put it in your song if more than half the population ‘aren’t allowed’ to sing along.

— Amber Meikle (@Ambipambi63) May 23, 2018

Here’s the deal, white people: Say the word all you want. Just do so in an enclosed room with nothing but Black folks. If you survive, report back on your results.

More white people screaming on brown folks

I wrote last week about the volume of white folks being caught on camera lately losing their collective shit at the sheer audacity of people of color for existing in their space. And the hits just keep coming: a Texas man (because of course Texas) was caught on video verbally attacking Texas A&M University student Ali Alghamdi with such delightful gems like “This isn’t Pakistan, b–ch, and “You sound like a f—ing Arab.” Apparently, the cowboy-hatted, beer-gutted man has been identified and will face charges. This is the face of 21^st century terrorism, ladies and germs: Loud, wrong and unable to sprint a city block without having a heart attack and dropping dead.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.