Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer and soon-to-be Club Fed inmate, has commanded more attention in the last 24 hours than any of this year’s Oscar films combined with his public testimony before the House Oversight Committee. Still going strong at press time, the testimony specifically geared toward smearing his former boss’ personal and professional character, as well as uncovering more than one crime committed at the behest of the leader of the free world. Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, Robert Mueller will eventually pull the trigger on the big buck in his crosshairs.
The explosive testimony is the most protracted and vocal condemnation of Terracotta Trump from a former employee, and one of the biggest public flips since Sammy “The Bull” Gravano testified against John Gotti. Trump’s buddies in the House are giving Cohen the business, while his opponents are grilling Cohen for helping Trump push his bullshit in the first place, which means Cohen has no friends on that committee. Will anything actionable that can take down Trump come of this…? The cynic in me says no, but at least it was a great day for social media.
Stacey Plaskett is all of us looking at Jim Jordan, the last person who should address anyone’s character pic.twitter.com/z2fKUVHwYa
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) February 27, 2019
Cohen’s exchange with Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) – the whitest “shame on you” match anyone has ever seen – might be the juiciest part of the testimony so far. Thing is, Jordan is one of the most right-wing assholes in the house, and he told Anderson Cooper with a straight face last year, “I don’t know that [Mr. Trump has ever] said something wrong that he needs to apologize for.” If you don’t sit your ass down in a corner somewhere…
Rep. Stacey Plaskett (D-USVI) became the true star of the exchange: She’s like my mama in that she ‘s not even trying to keep her faces of disdain to herself. Really, it should be hard for anyone to do so with the unbearable f—ery on display.
— USA TODAY Video (@usatodayvideo) February 27, 2019
— Rep. Stacey Plaskett (@StaceyPlaskett) February 27, 2019
— Adam Serwer🍝 (@AdamSerwer) February 27, 2019
Watching representatives Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Ayanna Pressley (D. Mass) and Rashida “We’re gonna impeach the motherf—-r” Tliab (D-MI) cock the hammer back with their eyes before getting their shot at grilling Cohen is a nice throwback to the women who scowled at Brett Kavanaugh as he whined during his own testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee last September regarding his allegations of sexual assault. Coincidences perhaps, but more likely human beings simply unable to hide justifiable disdain.
Rep. Mark Meadows used an African-American from Trump administration as a human prop. Unprecedented in a Congressional hearing. Trying to show Trump isn’t racist while having one black person standing behind him mute is ironically racist. Clueless. Outrageous. #MichaelCohen
— Cenk Uygur (@cenkuygur) February 27, 2019
Acknowledging that Trump is a racist – which is as enlightening as testifying that Lemonheads are yellow – is a significant aspect of Cohen’s testimony. Enter Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC), who saw fit to bring in Lynne Patton, a Black member of Trump’s organization, as proof that the president isn’t racist. Because, y’know, all the plantation owners couldn’t have been racist with all those Black slaves working for them.
Michael Cohen after the hearing like………….😩😩😩😩😂😂😆 pic.twitter.com/NORU7lezqR
— PETEROCK.COM (@PeteRock) February 27, 2019
There’s no better analogy to what Cohen is doing right now than Ray Liotta’s Henry Hill from the 1990 Martin Scorsese classic Goodfellas. The testimony is reminiscent of the scene in which Hill rats out all of his friends in order to save himself from more of the jail time he’s getting any damn way. Cohen even used the word “rat” during his opening statement. Here’s hoping is family is tucked away safely somewhere.
Rep. Clay Higgins to Michael Cohen: “I didn’t know who you were until today, really.”
— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) February 27, 2019
If you need any further proof that this shit might be little more than a dog and pony show, look no further than Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA), who said to Cohen that he didn’t know who he was until today. Frankly, if this is true, Higgins needs to be dragged away from his post and put in charge of the coffee stand outside. If this isn’t true, then it’s weak grandstanding. Either way, Higgins needs a good mollywhoppin’.
Congressman Higgins to Cohen: “I didn’t know who you were until today.”
He…was your party’s deputy finance chair pic.twitter.com/qcyIj0XOPu
— jay smooth (@jsmooth995) February 27, 2019
…and then there are the ones that make you laugh to keep from crying at the ridiculous spectacle of it all.
“He is a racist. He is a con man. He is a cheat.”- Michael Cohen pic.twitter.com/iop871xsq7
— Ma$on (@FirstGentleman) February 27, 2019
Michael Cohen: *breathes*
Mark Meadows: pic.twitter.com/f282w6OBIU
— Toby (@THE__TOBE) February 27, 2019
Michael Cohen was forged in the fire of caucasian shouting. https://t.co/L93OJgDd7c
— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) February 27, 2019