If parenthood is a hood, ‘Insecure’s Condola and Lawrence’s co-parenting is the ghetto
OPINION: The couple showed us what NOT to do when expecting. Perhaps Issa is the only one who made the right choice in this saga.
I think we can all agree that Issa dodged a bullet. One of those big, oversized, Civil War looking bullets.
Two weeks ago after watching the premiere of Insecure, we were all ready to sit our good sis in a boat and sail her ass down the river of baby mama drama — all in the name of love.
Now look at us.
Acting brand new. Acting like we weren’t the ones just last week secretly hoping that love would ‘find a way’ for Issa and Lawrence. Team Lawrence is underground somewhere silent as hell, as if they aren’t usually waving their red flags proudly. And people are actually calling Condola, the former crusher of dreams, by her real name (Sis done caught a smidget of newfound respect).
This week, all of us are singing a new tune. Because we don’t want any parts of what we just witnessed for our girl Issa.
Can you imagine Issa playing third wheel to the emotional energy drain that is Condola and Lawrence’s co-parenting relationship? Can you imagine the added stress both she and Lawrence would be dealing with? How much time and energy them dealing with that alone would take from Lawrence’s time and energy to parent? And when he’s flying back in town, who is he spending time with, Issa or the baby? Or is he splitting what little time he does have between both, giving them each less?
Whew, chile! I guess reality had to hit us before we could see this clearly.
If parenthood is a hood, Condola and Lawrence‘s co-parenting is the ghetto (I’m emotionally drained just thinking about it!) Good grief! Where do I even begin?
Poor planning.
People make more detailed plans for how their squad will demolish homecoming than the plan Condola and Lawrence created for co-parenting this baby. As we speak, more thought is going into who’s cooking what for Thanksgiving than ever went into the plan for how these two would divide co-parenting duties.
As an attorney who used to practice family law, Condola and Lawrence are giving me family-court-on-custody-and-child-support-day vibes.
Honestly speaking, both of them are far from perfect in this situation. Condola is in solo parent mode, which isn’t helpful, and Lawrence is in let-me-dip-in-when-it’s-convenient mode, which is also unhelpful and is a privilege only he has.
But while they both are contributing to this problematic situation, (and I’ll discuss Condola more later) when it comes to the issue of failing to plan properly, Lawrence takes the cake. This man did next to no planning for Elijah. “Just keep me posted” is not how you plan for a baby.
He complained that Condola’s family was already acting like he was a deadbeat dad. To which Chad responded, “How? Little man fresh out the poom-poom!” Pause. Parenting starts before a baby is born (We knew that right?)
Parenting before a child is born looks like initiating a conversation about what his name will be before the child has arrived so that you won’t be surprised with a name like Mustafa.
Parenting before your child is born looks like initiating the discussion and creating a plan for how and when you’ll be alerted to, and involved in, your baby’s grand entrance (Will you be in the delivery room? Will you be alerted at the first sign of contractions? Or only when she’s heading to the hospital?) “I guess my baby was just born,” is one of those red flags that says Lawrence discussed none of this.
Parenting before a child is born means not saying “that didn’t come up” when asked about the child’s circumcision. It means bringing up this topic because this is part of your responsibility to decide.
Parenting before your child is born looks like thinking about what your child’s needs will be ahead of time and putting things in place to meet those needs. How many times did Lawrence sit down to create a plan for meeting Elijah’s needs? Even just the needs of his first month? First week? First day? Or did he leave that all to Condola? (Because he looked just as clueless as the baby did regarding what was about to happen next).
I’m not trying to come for Lawrence (I’m lying. I am.) And he’s not a deadbeat dad because of his failure to do all of this. (The jury’s still out on this … I kid.) But he absolutely did drop the ball. He has severely misunderstood the early responsibilities of fatherhood. But having dropped the ball, doesn’t mean that he can’t pick it up and move forward from here. But he’s got to change his attitude.
He stated, “There’s n*ggas out here not even trying to take care of they kids, and I’m here.” As if showing up is all there is to parenting (You don’t get a cookie for this). Showing up is only half the battle. Being active is the other half.
Being active is about initiating those hard and necessary discussions because they benefit your child. It means planning and sharing in the hard part of parenting instead of leaving it to the other parent. It’s making sure you know just as much about what your child’s needs as the other parent. Currently, Condola is light years ahead of Lawrence in this regard.
But, that doesn’t mean she’s perfect. Condola contributes to this problematic dynamic too.
When it comes to raising children, mothers have a lot of power to control the direction of a child’s upbringing, especially when children are young. So given this, it’s important for mothers to purposely be inclusive of fathers in the decision making process. This doesn’t mean fathers should sit around waiting for the mother to include them — no, be a proactive parent regardless — but it does mean that mothers can add grease to the co-parenting wheels by being intentional about looping fathers in on all matters relevant to the child.
For instance — an easy example — the child’s name. How is it that our girl Keke provided more input on Elijah’s name than his own daddy? “We named him after our grandfather,” Keke said (We? Who is we?) Another example was Condola not sharing with Lawrence that she’d taken Elijah to urgent care. Sis, loop him in. And for God’s sake, tell the man that you’re going into labor before the baby arrives!
But Condola’s feet are firmly planted in single parent soil. She has little regard for Lawrence’s views on things. And this may be because he’s shown very little interest in planning for their child. Or maybe she’s hurt by his laid back approach to fatherhood. Maybe she’s tired. Maybe it’s just logistically easier to make decisions by herself. Or maybe it’s some combination of all of the above.
Whatever the reason, her taking the solo route contributes to the friction.
Her lack of trust in his parenting abilities also adds to the problem. She has to relax more and allow Lawrence to have some autonomy as a parent. She treats him as if he’s only a parent if she gives him permission to be one. She has to relinquish some control to make room for the co-parenting process that by nature won’t be 100% in her control. Condola might be a great parent, but she’s failing as a co-parent.
Unlike Lawrence, who’s falling a bit short on all fronts. Instead of f*cking new women, his ass needs to be f*cking with some co-parenting goals (Real talk). Play time is for those who’ve finished their work. He still got more parenting work to do.
I think this episode was by far the most emotional episode to watch for a lot of women because it was a glimpse into the reality of the options available for new mothers versus new fathers. Key word — options. Men can choose to be there and in what capacity. Women often cannot. Women are the default parent. Most women have either been where Condola is, know someone who has, or are fearful of this scenario being their own future.
This part of having a vagina feels unfair. Beyond the fact that our bodies must actually pull apart, bones spreading and flesh tearing to bring new life, there’s also the healing mothers must undergo. The stitches. The afterbirth. The no sex. The unrecognizable body. And the surge of hormones that affect every part of women’s bodies, including mental health.
So, even when we are looking at these two situations between Condola and Lawrence and the problems that they both contribute, keep in mind that only one of them is also, simultaneously trying to heal.
So, the other party should bring patience and understanding. Calm and comfort. That time period is not the time to beat your chest. As Derek wisely put it, “The last thing you want to be doing is adding stress to the situation.” Because when she’s not well, your child is worse off for it. So, supporting her is supporting your child.
The phone call he made to Condola after the argument was probably the best parenting decision he’s made since he learned she was pregnant. Even though they aren’t a couple, they’re still a team. They’ve just got to start acting like it. Because at the end of the day, whatever they can’t resolve, a judge sure enough will.
Kamaria is an attorney, poet, writer, and lover of all things created #ForTheCulture. She runs a blog, ‘Words of My Mother,’ has lived all over the DMV (heavy on the V), and enjoys skating, debating, and car karaoke. (Because, why not?!) She can be reached on Twitter at @like_tha_moon.
