I used to have friends before kids. I think. A lot of life before kids is hazy. I’m just coming out of it too; the heat of toddler years has faded since my youngest is getting into pre-school. Common consensus among parents is that it is easier to make friends and connect with friends after your children become school age.
For me, some of my friends have had kids. Others have stayed childless. Some of us have stayed close, most have grown apart.
To attempt to maintain connections to your closest pals once kids have hit the horizon, here are a few strategies to consider.
Try to get a sitter once a month
This isn’t a feasible option for many parents either financially or due to lack of adequate sitters in the area. When we had the budget for a babysitter, it took literal months of searching to find one we trusted to watch our daughter. Now that I am a single parent with two kids, budgeting for a babysitter ranks very low on my priority list. I usually attempt to wait until it is my co-parent’s turn to watch the kids to take my time with friends.
Occupy the kids
If you’re the kind of person that needs to see your friends more than once a month, and alone time is not an option, it’s time to occupy the kids. It’s hard to chat with your friends with your children around. It’s practically impossible — so, find an activity to occupy the kids while y’all chat over coffee. Take them to a fenced-in playground or invite your friends to watch your kid at their sport’s practice.
Ask about them
It may seem simple, but it is easy to forget to ask a friend about their life’s current details when you’re either gushing or complaining about your new baby. What does their bad date matter when your baby didn’t stop screaming for eight hours? But, it is their biggest thing.
Limit mommy talk
They do not have kids either by choice or because they are struggling to get pregnant. In both instances, talking about your kids is going to push them away. Make friends with other parents to talk about kids. If your kids aren’t in school yet, there are apps for that like Peanut.
Utilize technology
Make the most of what we have now. My sister is one of my good friends, but we don’t have a lot of time to chat during the day. In the past, we have picked out a show to watch together after the kids have fallen asleep, like “Spy x Family,” and chat about it. Sometimes we chat about it afterward.
Movie Night can be done remotely. You can even FaceTime from your own homes while you do it.
Text them. Send them silly GIFs.
Maintain your village
Very rarely does a woman in a mommy group give great advice, but recently, one did. You know the old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child?” She said she did not lose any friends because her village is her village. She surrounded herself with friends that held the same values as she did, that wanted kids around the same time, that understood that children have to be the priorities. In this way, she did not have the challenges of friends that did not want to hang out around kids.
Let them go
People come and go. We aren’t still friends with everyone from grade school or college. Our lives change. Many people fall out, even with their bridesmaids and groomsmen. There will be people who were your great friends — with whom you could drop everything, and go out for drinks — yet disappear once you have a child. You try to schedule friend dates, but they are not interested. You get a sitter to meet up with them, but they do not seem to appreciate it. Their texts dwindle. They cut you out of the group chat. The friendship fades.
Aja Hannah is a writer, traveler, and mama. As secretary of the Society of America Travel Writers: Central States Chapter, she prioritizes travel with an ecotourism or human-first focus. She believes in the Oxford comma, cheap flights, and a daily dose of chocolate.
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