Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
Let me put this out there first before we even begin to have this discussion: I am a huge fan of Eboni K. Williams. I have appeared on her show on theGrio, and we actually had a brief phone conversation Thursday about this week’s current trending video clip.
For the record, when I saw a short clip of what Eboni said, I immediately disagreed with it. I took her message as blanketly encouraging young Black women to seek out suitable marriage partners while they are in college, and as someone who believes we need to know our full selves before we commit to others, I felt that advice in that context was wrong.
I think a lot of people made the same mistake I did, and maybe it’s because we all saw the clip outside of the context of the greater discussion Eboni was having that day.
During a segment of “TheGrio with Eboni K. Williams,” Eboni spoke with Dr. Anjerrika Bean, assistant director of the Center for Women, Gender, and Global Leadership at Howard University, after showing a clip from a viral TikTok video featuring a group of white women education majors wearing their caps and gowns and showing off their engagement rings during what is presumably their graduation ceremony.
Eboni explained that this practice has been dubbed “the MRS. Degree” — where women seek to lock down a fiancé by the time they graduate. She noted that there are distinct cultural differences in the goals Black female college students have versus the goals white female college students have.
Eboni asked, “So why has this not been a thing for us, and should it be?”
As she introduced Dr. Bean, she said, “Now culturally, I think I speak for a lot of Black women when I say that we were taught to focus on our education; boys could be a distraction; don’t get pregnant; climb the corporate ladder, and then, once you are established, with your career and your finances, then you look around and find a mate to continue to build with.
“That pretty much is what most of us were taught,” she added.
Dr. Bean agreed that historically, Black women have not been taught to follow the “get the ring by spring” track, and she emphasized how the war on drugs and the mass incarceration of Black men have played a huge role in influencing the choices Black women have to make for themselves, including wanting to build a career, finances and legacy so that they are prepared to take of themselves should they not find a mate.
Eboni went on to say that when young Black women are in college, that is probably the last time they are going to be surrounded by a lot of Black men who are viable options for them as partners who are at or above their education.
Dr. Bean agreed that college is an ideal time to look toward what you want your future to look like, and she stressed that it’s not just about economics; if you want to be able to build a family, have children and build a life with someone who is evenly yoked with you, your greatest opportunity for that is while you are in college surrounded by a vast array of men who fit that standard.
If we contrast this conversation with the conversation we had last week about Tyler Perry, what Eboni and Dr. Bean are saying makes a lot of sense.
People were upset with Tyler Perry for saying Black women should settle for “struggle love,” but they are also upset with Eboni for saying Black women who achieve success have a harder time finding mates who meet their standards as they get older.
Eboni is not lying.
In my friend circle, all of us are successful in our careers, make above a certain amount of money, and live a lifestyle we have built for ourselves and become greatly accustomed to. In my immediate circle, none of us have ever been married.
At this stage, we have all played the dating game, and we have all found that a lot of what is left out there is not checking all of our boxes. Checking our boxes is important, and like everyone was saying just last week, it’s not something we should have to compromise on just to have a relationship.
All Eboni is saying is that your greatest chances of meeting that match are while you are surrounded by a group of men who are working toward the same things you are, who are matching you in education and who will already be in a place to grow with you.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I personally don’t want to get married, but I’m not 22, and this discussion isn’t about me. But I can say that in talks with my friends, they don’t want to get married either, and if we are keeping it real, a lot of the Black men who are in our age and income group don’t want Black women or women their own age anyway.
For the young women who do want those things, the advice Eboni is giving here is that you should still focus on your education and goals, but you can also be looking to your left and your right, as Eboni said, and keeping an eye on the prospects who are right in front of you.
If you find someone you can build your life with and climb that ladder together, do it.
If it’s not for you, it’s not for you.
Either way, as my old co-worker Miss Kay used to say, when it comes to advice, take the meat and leave the bones.
Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic t-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at moniquejudge.com.
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