Black women across social media are tired of Tyler Perry’s relationship ‘advice’
OPINION: The "Madea" creator is receiving backlash for a recent clip of him talking about relationships between Black women and Black men.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
Whether you like his movies or not, you have to admit that Tyler Perry has made a distinct impact on Black culture.
His Madea movies are a fan favorite, and he has built a billion-dollar enterprise on them.
He has created a space where Black stars can shine in films in a way that Hollywood doesn’t always let them; that is a solid truth.
This weekend, Tyler Perry was trending for something other than his work on screens big and small.
A viral clip of Perry’s appearance on Crystal Hayslett’s “Keep It Positive, Sweetie” podcast had Black women across social media in an uproar.
In the clip, Perry and Hayslett are discussing relationships. Hayslett is reflecting on advice Perry had given her in the past about the relationship she was in at the time and the man she was in the relationship with.
Perry and Hayslett reflected that the message Perry was delivering at the time was about having people meet you at your worth, which Perry clarified wasn’t about money.
“Anybody who can’t do that, that doesn’t mean they are not worthy of you,” Perry said. “That means that they either need to attempt, try, learn, find out enough about you to figure out what that is.
“And that’s not money,” he added.
Perry went on to say that women, “especially Black women,” are making a lot more money than Black men.
“There are a lot of Black men who are successful, but for the most part, Black women are making the money.”
It was this next part that essentially set the internet on fire.
“So, if you can find love, if that man works — you know — at whatever job and is a good man and is good to you and honors the house and honors his wife and does what he can because his gift may not be your gift,” Perry said.
“That is OK,” he continued. “That’s not somebody who’s beneath you; that’s somebody who came to love you at your worth, right? And as long as he’s secure in himself to know that ‘Yep, she makes most of the money; all I can pay is the light bill,’ as long as she’s comfortable enough to say, ‘I’m going to cover the mortgage and all of the other stuff; you handle the light bill, baby. You can take me to dinner every now and then,’ that is fine.”
Perry went on to say the relationship dynamic he was describing is “so hard” for so many people to take in because they are of the mindset that they need someone who is making “five times more” than them in order to be happy.
The “people” Perry is referring to are Black women, and that is affirmed when he follows it up by saying, “Go on and keep your list, baby. God bless you, and I hope it happens for you, but go on and keep your list.
“But when you talk about just someone to love you and support you … I know people whose men can’t touch what they make.”
Oprah and Steadman don’t count, Tyler.
I guess I can see what point Tyler was trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to make, but I can also see how his words were triggering to Black women everywhere.
They were triggering for me.
Let’s first note that when Tyler says Black women are outearning Black men, he is incorrect. Black women earn 93 cents for every dollar Black men earn.
All of that aside, Black women took his message to be yet another instance of him saying Black women need to settle for “struggle love” if they want to be happy.
It is a recurring criticism of the way Perry presents Black womanhood in his movies and television shows. Give me a Tyler Perry movie, and I will give you a Black woman who thought she had it all while she was married to the handsome, rich, successful and abusive Black man, but she learned how much better it could be when she lowered her standards and got with the recently released convicted criminal who didn’t have any money, but he loved her purely and intently.
I could link to several movies as an example, but honestly, you’ve seen his movies, and this is a point on which I think we can all agree.
Tyler Perry isn’t the only proponent of struggle love; it’s all over the internet, and it always comes up when Black women discuss what they will and will not settle for in a relationship.
Take, for instance, my appearance on “TheGrio News With Eboni K. Williams.”
Two grown women who make their own money saying that they would not split bills with a man led to both of us having our social media comments flooding with negative thoughts about us, our opinions, and our life decisions, and the prevailing notion was that we would be forever alone if we didn’t lower our standards.
To be clear, I am not looking for love or a relationship.
I’m in a space in life where my energy and bandwidth are extremely limited, and there are certain things I am not going to put up with ever. If I invite anyone into my space — and this includes my women friends as well — we need to be aligned on certain things.
This means that a man trying to come into my life is certainly going to have to check a few boxes, and I’m not willing to compromise on that.
Quite frankly, why should I? Why should any Black woman?
Black women deserve love.
We deserve to be cared for and nurtured in the same way we care for and nurture others.
We deserve to be loved “at our worth,” and yes, that does include money.
If I am in a relationship where I am paying for everything, no amount of good sex is going to make that man any less than a dependent for me.
It ain’t worf it, Miss Celie.
Again, I get what Tyler was trying to say, but the way his message came across had the opposite effect, and honestly, I’m glad that so many Black women got to openly express how they feel about “settling” and the entire concept of “struggle love.”
Leave it in the Madea movies and get out of our faces with that.
You have only cosplayed this experience, Tyler.
You can’t speak from a position of knowing.
Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic t-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at moniquejudge.com.
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