Is Donald Trump building a cabinet or a gang?

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“If (insert white person’s name here) was Black, then…”

I’m sure you’ve probably heard it before. Often employed to illustrate our stigmatized perceptions of value, this comparison is perhaps the most commonly used racial analogy. If Scamming Hall-of-famer Brett Farve was Black, we’d call him a “welfare queen.” If uneducated, unqualified Caucasian Race Theorist Christopher Rufo was Black, he’d be a “diversity hire.” If horny high school dropout Lauren Boebert was Black, she’d be known as “the Baby Mama insurrectionist.”

Although this overused syllogism is often true, the analogy also undermines the entire premise of the argument. Plus, it is just lazy. Yes, Black people are treated differently. No one would argue white people aren’t often afforded a benefit of the doubt that Black people rarely enjoy. But if we actually viewed everyone through a truly objective lens, the “if” part wouldn’t even be necessary. Brett Favre is white and he is a welfare queen. Christopher Rufo is an uneducated diversity hire who is also white. Lauren Boebert is a white single mom who is probably reading this with her fingers. We don’t have to manufacture a theoretical metaphor for white people; we can just call them what they are.

For instance, despite being a descendant of pimps, undesirable immigrants, and gang-affiliated thugs, Donald Trump is white. Trump’s Health Secretary nominee, Robert F Kennedy Jr., is white, and he is an unqualified diversity hire. Pete Hegseth is not Black, but multiple sources confirm that the potential Defense Secretary is a thot who will buss that thang wide open for a few shots of Hennessy. And, according to a new report from the House Ethics Committee, Trump wanted a crackhead pimp (Matt Gaetz) to serve as U.S. Attorney General.

Then again, aside from Tulsi Gabbard (Director of National Intelligence) and Scott Turner (Housing and Urban Development), all of Trump’s proposed cabinet members are white. He appoints white judges and champions white causes. Despite the Caucasian community’s higher rates of illicit drug use and white-on-white crime, they are afforded the privilege of individuality. If these proposed executive officeholders were predominately Black, we wouldn’t just question their individual credentials; we would view them as a group. In fact, if Donald Trump’s privileged posse of drunks, dope fiends, thugs, and thots used washcloths and listened to Luther Vandross, we wouldn’t even refer to them as “the Trump administration”…

We’d call them a gang.

Trump’s Government-Approved Nazis, Grifters, Scammers & Thug All Stars (GANGSTAS)

When most people picture a gang, they usually envision Crips, Bloods, MS-13 or a group of non-white people who are up to no good. For a Caucasian American to be considered a gangbanger, they must buy a motorcycle, join a prison clique or be “wiggerized” enough to qualify for a diversity slot in an already-existing negro criminal organization. When it comes to whiteness, they exist in the passive tense. They don’t “join” gangs, they are “inducted” into mafias, “enrolled” in militias or “affiliated” with the Klan.

However, the Department of Justice and Homeland Security describes a gang as “an association of three or more individuals,” whose members adopt a group identity used to engage in criminal activity, violence or intimidation to preserve the association’s power, reputation or economic resources.” On the state level, multiple state legislatures use a definition originally created by California lawmakers:

“[C]riminal street gang’ means any ongoing organization, association or group of three or more persons, whether formal or informal, having as one of its primary activities the commission of one or more of the criminal acts … having a common name or common identifying sign or symbol, and whose members individually or collectively engage in or have engaged in a pattern of criminal gang activity.”

This definition could also serve as a description of every organization Trump ever led.

That Trump is a member of an organization involved in criminal acts is not even up for debate. A New York state court actually declared the Trump organization and its subsidiaries to be a criminal enterprise. An entirely different court convicted him as an individual for 34 felonies. A Georgia grand jury indicted him and 18 co-conspirators in an election interference case. At least 14 Trump aides, donors, and advisers have faced criminal charges, including the seven members of his administration who served time in prison. He’s sent hittas to shoot up his opps and protect his gang turf.

Following the Jan. 6, 2021 turf war, authorities arrested more than 1,488 members of the Stop the Steal set for attacking the members of the rival set, derisively known as “election certifiers.” While reporters usually refer to top gang leaders as “Republicans,” even the most credible media outlets know the names of the most feared MAGAngbangers, including Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz, Josh “Haulin’ Ass” Hawley, Marjorie “the Maniac” Taylor Greene (AKA “Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Body Butcher”) and Lauren “The Illiterate Baby Mama.” And, according to the federal definition, these gang-affiliated OGs actually “engaged in criminal activity…with the intent to enhance or preserve” Trump’s “power, reputation or economic resources.”

If gangs exist, the Make America Great Again crew is one of the biggest cliques of gangbangers in the known world.

MAGA Ganbangers

Identifiable by their red hats, colorful flags, and attire that features “a common name, slogan, identifying sign, symbol, tattoo or other physical marking, style or color of clothing,” Trump’s gangster disciples represent hoods from all 50 states. Even if we are willing to overlook the rank-and-file goons who suffer from economic anxiety, lack of education, and the history of violence in the white community (it’s their culture), the big fish in the Trump administration still embody every characteristic that authorities attribute to a gang.

But just to be sure we’re not besmirching an entire political movement, let’s see if the MAGA set fits the DOJ’s gang checklist:

1. They employ rules for joining and operating within the association: While Trump hasn’t instituted a formal “jumping in” ceremony, the Don of the MAGA Mafia’s litmus test for potential mobsters includes a loyalty oath and an actual questionnaire to verify their allegiance to the MAGA street code. Like Tulsi Gabbard and RFK Jr., the sons and daughters of MAGA anarchy don’t necessarily have to belong to the GOP or embrace conservative principles as long as they recognize their big homie as the head gangster in charge.
2. The members may meet on a recurring basis: Forget about the White House, TrumpMob meetings are held at the traphouse in Palm Beach, Fla. Whether you’re the richest man in the world, the second richest man in the world, or the leader of the most populous country on the planet, anyone who wants to rep TrumpGang must make the pilgrimage to Mar-A-Lago. Vladimir Putin is the only person who can call in.
3. The association may have an identifiable structure: One of the ways this gang gets away with so much crime is that they use a defined hierarchy. Aside from hiring unqualified BGs like Kristi Noem (Homeland Security) and Kash Patel (FBI Director), real gangsters install ride-or-dies like Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy (Department of Government Efficiency) in high-level positions and give handouts to Gs like welfare queen Kelly Loefler (Small Business Administration) and medical quack Dr. Mehmet Oz (Medicare and Medicare administrator). Then they hire middle management goons like scammer Herschel Walker (new Ambassador to the Bahamas) and white nationalist Stephen Miller (Deputy Chief of Staff). The lowest level of their criminal enterprise is staffed by henchmen such as certified felon Charles Kushner (Ambassador to France) and a literal Nazi, Sebastian Gorka (Senior Director for Counterterrorism).
4. The association may provide physical protection of its members from others: If you want to make America white again, just join Trump’s league of unextraordinary white gentlemen, and you’ll be protected. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Speaker of the House, a violent insurrectionist in need of a pardon, a right-wing extremist, a Nazi activist, a subway strangler or just a mediocre white man who’s scared of equality. To protect his lil’ homies, Trump will build a wall, outlaw Black history, and even deport American citizens. And all you have to do is stand back and stand by.
5. The association may seek to exercise control over a particular geographic location or region, or it may simply defend its perceived interests against rivals. MAGA gang territory includes the entire Southern border, red states, sanctuary cities, white neighborhoods, elementary school history classes, women’s vaginas, trans bodies, migrant communities, and of course anywhere Black people might vote.

To be fair, while this veritable who’s who of hoodlums, hooligans, and whoremongers make up the most unqualified executive branch in history, they also have a few saving graces. They are as uneducated as the people who voted for them. Not only do they share many of the same values, but Trump’s hit squad looks like the MAGAmuffins who wanted to elect the proverbial white supremacist-next-door. Even their women abide by the G-code. Every real gangsta knows that Karen MAGAs don’t die; they multiply.

To them, these clean-cut Caucasians aren’t nearly as threatening as the more educated, more experienced, smarter, more articulate, less corrupt Black lady candidate who’s never been arrested, convicted or charged with a crime. Even the most progressive white liberals won’t bear the brunt of the Trump administration in the same way the average Black American will. His administration’s ineptitude and disregard for science won’t kill white people at higher rates. His Klan of Killer Karens won’t erase white history and flip white school boards. His election-denying scam won’t target their votes. They don’t have to worry about his goons shooting up their blocks, taking over their parks, busting their heads or turning their neighborhoods into a literal war zone.

There is only one credible reason why journalists, law enforcement agents or any objective truth-tellers would refrain from characterizing the upcoming Trump administration as a “gang.”

But if they were Black…

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Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His NY Times bestseller Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America is available in bookstores everywhere.