Per the absurdity of the Trump Administration’s first 12 months in the White House, invitees to this year’s State of the the Union address were treated to tickets that read: “State of the Uniom.” It’s easy to write off this error as a typo but it’s actually a subconscious manifestation of the bizarro world that is current US politics.
As Trump prepares to deliver his first State of the Union address, we the people should take nearly anything that is said with a large chunk of sea salt. Up is down, black is white, and Nazi’s are poppin in Trump’s bizzaro America. Nevertheless a speech must be made.
If you’d like to recalibrate your reality here are a few things that Trump should say during his speech–even though we know he won’t.
Get real on Black unemployment
Given his most recent clap back at JAY Z over this very issue, don’t be surprised if Trump continues to tout over the news that Black unemployment is at its “LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED.” With his latest beef with a prominent African American fresh on the brain, 45 will undoubtedly cite Black unemployment numbers again just to prove he’s not racist. He may even shout out the only two Black tokens in the room, Ben Carson and Sen. Tim Scott, just for a nod of approval.
What he should say is that he has personally and politically fought against Black unemployment. If should also put some respect on Obama’s name and show his predecessor some love, by discarding his convenient case of amnesia to acknowledge that the Black unemployment rate has been on a steady decline since the Obama Administration.
Commit to saving Dreamers
Trump has a conflicted relationship with the Dreamers and immigrants at large. It may seem like he’s racist with his travel bans, ICE raids, and accusations of Chinese currency manipulation, but it’s slightly more complicated than that. In reality, Trump loves a pair of hardworking brown hands, especially, if they’re on his golf course. Tonight, we can expect there to be a ton of empty platitudes about ”bills of love.”
If Trump wants to extend an real olive branch to Hispanics and LatinX immigrants in America, he should first start with proclaiming that “Despacito” was majorly snubbed for Record of the Year at the Grammys. If he can’t open his heart that far, promising a DACA deal that doesn’t include earmarks for the infamous wall would be a no bueno.
Admit Russia interfered with 2016 election
The power of positive thinking is real. It’s singlehandedly fueling the cryptocurrency market. Trump is something like a backwards Bitcoin investor. He’s reverse speculating. Trump seems to think that if he says “No collusion” enough the value of PutinCoin will somehow dwindle away. He’ll definitely say that catchy hook at least one time
Rather than the semantic theatrics, Trump should reassure the American people that, despite his reported attempts to fire special counsel Robert Mueller, no such thing will be happening won’t be fired. This is especially necessary given FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe’s sudden “resignation.”
Walk back North Korea threats
Trump has flirted with nuclear conflict by lobbing a number of insults at North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. He’s called him “Rocketman” and “short and fat” over the course of his presidency. The State of the Union seems like a prime platform for diplomacy but be prepared for more smack talk.
Trump will likely push Kim Jong Un’s buttons (not that one!) during his speech, even though he should rather say that we will collaborate with our Asian allies in order to keep the American people safe. Or in layman’s terms: so we don’t end up in a nuclear war over bruised egos. Maybe he’ll completely ingratiate himself to Un and invite the Korean leader to Florida for some a few rounds of golf at Mar-a-Lago. But it’s totally unlikely.
Say he will resign
“Tricky” Richard Nixon is the only president that has resigned from the Oval Office. However, since the 2016 election there have been plenty of rumors that Donald did not want to actually become president. As an alleged billionaire, taking on a massive responsibility may not be the most pleasant way to spend your later years.
But there is a solution! Trump can be a trendsetter. A tastemaker. He can call it quits. In reality, Trump will riff from his 2020 stump speech during the State of the Union, but if he’s seen any episodes of First 48, he should just take the deal now. Trump should save face and read a carefully ghostwritten speech detailing how America is “strong, free, and of course great (again).” Then, he can wave from a tarmac and fly away instead of doing an ever more likely prison bid.