Auntie Iyanla Vanzant needs to fix these Black folks’ lives ASAP

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Ever since her show, the OWN Network’s Iyanla Fix My Life, first aired in 2012, self-proclaimed life coach Rhonda Harris, a.k.a. Iyanla Vanzant, has become a Black pop-culture fixture. She employs her famously warm-yet-I’ll-pop-off-on-a-mofo-if-need-be demeanor to help her “beloveds” (famous and otherwise) get their damn lives together as advertised. She even popped up in a gamely, self-deprecating cameo in last year’s Girls Trip.

Despite her growing popularity, Iyanla has definitely had her share of rough clients – perhaps most famously her attempt to reconcile rapper DMX with his estranged son. She’s currently in headlines for getting into some shit with Kamiyah Mobley, a 19-year-old woman who was abducted from a hospital at birth and raised by her abductor. The whole thing was Real Housewives of Love and Hip-Hop-level sticky.

Of course, not every life benefits from coaching, but that doesn’t mean Iyanla should ever give up her righteous hustle. In fact, here are a few people I’m thinking could benefit from a life-fixing really soon.

Michael Steele

Former Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele, who’s Black but has always resembled a white dude with the deepest of tans, is parading around acting totally put off by the fact that someone publicly admitted that he’s the high priest of token, stepin’ fetchit Negroes. But in the event that Steele really does think that he was elected the head of the RNC on merit alone, Iyanla needs to have a conversation with this fool. She should probably bring all the boxes of Kleenex with her.

50 Cent

Anyone familiar with Curtis’ two-decade career knows that he’s forever a troll  – if you have beef with him, he’ll headshot your grandmamma. But his response to Rick Ross being hospitalized last weekend demonstrated a special level of effed-up. I’d be a damn liar if I said I didn’t chuckle at the pitch-perfect savagery of using Ivan Drago’s image with no comment, but that’s only because I know Rozay seems to be okay.  Fiddy posted a picture of Drago from the famous Rocky IV scene where he says “If he dies, he dies.” That’s pretty cold given that Rick Ross was still in the hospital when the rapper threw that online. Like, damn Fif…who hurt you?? Maybe Iyanla can rebuild his heart, along with his credit.

Stacey Dash

I’m still not sure how someone can be embraced by pretty much the entire population of straight males of her race and still think to go the Ann Coulter route. Self-hatred is a hell of a drug. Iyanla might need some backup on this one, but maybe all we really need is for her to swiftly slap the Black back into Dash on television. My god, I’d give my cable service provider my last coin to see that.

Ben Carson

Look, your Uncle Ben has been canceled from all the cookouts, Christmas dinners, graduation ceremonies and Bat Mitzvahs. But he really needs to talk to someone for thinking that his neurosurgeon ass was going to effectively head up the department of Housing and Urban Development, which is like me…becoming a neurosurgeon. Iyanla needs to bring some of that energy she brought to DMX when he got loud with her. Carson actually thought could get away with purchasing a dining set for his office that costs as much as a new Honda Odyssey while “running “a cash-strapped federal program.

State Rep. Kimberly Daniels

Perhaps Miss Iyanla can sit down and have a “Come to Jesus” moment with Daniels, a Florida (because of course) state representative who thanked God for slavery because she thinks she’d otherwise be praying to trees in Africa. She made this declaration in a room full of white people when speaking about a bill she sponsored that would force public schools to display “In God We Trust” signs. We all know someone who doesn’t wanna hear  about anything when it comes to the Bible, so my guess is Iyanla would need one of those extended, commercial-free episodes to fix this looney tune.

Blac Chyna

Blac Chyna has had an…interesting past few weeks. First, a sex tape starring her and an ex-boyfriend “leaked” (you can never be sure these days), and folks seem less concerned about the violation than they are about her, well, talents. Now, she’s apparently dating 18-year-old rapper YBN Almighty Jay. I’m a pretty liberal dude, but a nearly-30-year-old mother of two taking up with a poop-butt rap kid who literally isn’t old enough to remember September 11 seems strange. Since that relationship will be over before I finish writing this sentence, Iyanla can talk to Chyna about how it feels to lose a man who couldn’t legally run to the store to get them a bottle of wine for a Netflix night.

Kanye West

‘Ye has needed some fixing of his life for quite some time; even though Iyanla’s record with rappers is tricky, maybe he’s in a space for her now. All I know is she needs to exorcise him of all those Kardash demons so he can get back in the studio and give us another My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Come to think of it, Iyanla should have a show in which she fixes anyone sexually tied to a Kardashian. Him, Blac Chyna and the whole rest of the crew. The shit could last all season.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.