If, like me, you thought Hell would freeze over before we would ever congratulate President Donald Trump or any member of the Kardashian Klan for looking out for a Black woman, well…whip out your ice trays.
Trump commuted the prison sentence of 63-year-old Memphis woman Alice Marie Johnson, who’d already served 21 years of a life sentence on a first-time drug offense. She was released Wednesday evening.
None of this would have happened if not for the bleeding heart of Kim Kardashian West, who caught wind of Johnson’s story through a viral video and took up her cause: she visited Trump at the White House last week to personally plead for Johnson.
Since most media buried the Johnson lede and reported that Kardashian West met with Trump to discuss prison reform in general, both reality television stars got dragged across the social media minefield, especially following an Oval Office photo op that would’ve been a joke on an episode of The Simpsons a decade ago.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 30, 2018
It’s hard to imagine Trump doing anything out of the sheer goodness of his cholesterol-laden heart. Did he commute Johnson’s sentence to get a public relations win and for no other reason? Probably. Did he take the meeting with Kardashian West simply because he wanted to see her undercarriage up close? Likely. But Johnson’s harsh term personified the perpetually flawed and racially biased criminal justice system, so a win is a win is a win, however we get there.
Since Kardashian West clearly has more influence with Trump than all the professionals who spent years becoming experts in their fields only to get ignored while he plays Minecraft during briefings, I’m thinking she should ask for a few other things as long as she has his ear.
1. Delete everything her husband said/did this year
“Interesting” is not enough to describe Kanye West’s last 45 or so days: Not only has he done everything in his power to piss off his fanbase, but he had the unmitigated gall to follow his bullshit up with the album equivalent of undercooked chicken breast coated only in light pepper. Kim K. would just as soon make all of this go away, so maybe she can convince Trump to use the Secret Service to “influence” Twitter’s overseers to delete Kanye’s account. They can also muscle the streaming services into deleting the ye album forever. Like, does Tim Cook really want that smoke?
2. Taking Sallie Mae out behind the shed
I realize that a woman who didn’t finish college and who married a man who titled his first album The College Dropout isn’t an ideal choice to represent those of us who will be paying off student loans until we’re dead. But we’re talking about one of the biggest looming financial crises here. If these filthy-rich-ass humans could find it in their hearts to create legislation that could eradicate crushing student debt, I might just be crazy enough to forget everything I hate about both of them. Almost.
3. Do something about those damn chip readers
It blows my mind that, in 2018, I can make a purchase on Amazon by simply looking at my smartphone’s camera, but I can’t go to Trader Joe’s and buy a bag of dried mango without enduring a card reading system that’s apparently running Windows 95 software and will take longer than Migos’ last album to complete a transaction. And why can’t stores all have either a swipe or a chip reader…why do I have to figure this shit out at the check-out line? I just wanna go home and eat my dried mango, man. Trump and Kim K., please help.
4. Plead for a call to end racism. Against black men. Who are athletes or rappers
The Kardashian empire is built on the veins of Black genitalia. Cheating scandals aside, if they start dating pink-toed cats named Aidan with nice banking jobs, they’d stop trending on Twitter in two seconds flat. Kardashian West could ask Trump to dedicate a State of the Union address to call for the safety and protection of prominent Black men who make their living throwing balls or delivering something resembling a mean 16. Colin Kaepernick might actually get a gig playing in the NFL. And DMX will never see another jail cell again!
5. Convince him to run his tweets by her
This is a long shot, but Kardashian West seems to have a unique talent of making dudes do shit they might not normally do (we really are weak creatures). And with few exceptions, she’s demonstrated that she understands the social media environment. Maybe she can do what Melania, his cabinet, his handlers, the press and everyone else has not been able to accomplish – convince Trump to shut the f— up and not get us into a war with his nubby Twitter fingers. Imagine Kim Kardashian West literally saving the human race.
Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.