CRT for UFOs: A Black studies syllabus for extraterrestrial colonizers

OPINION: President Biden reassured America that aliens were not idling in their balloon ships preparing to gentrify Earth. But if they were, here's some advice from people who are very familiar with colonizers. 

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Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio

White people can finally relax.

Unlike noted antisemite and acclaimed astrophysicist Marjorie Taylor Greene, I can’t tell an interstellar spacecraft from a Jewish space laser. But when President Joe Biden assured the country that the alien spaceships/spy balloons thangs hovering over Alaska, Canada and Lake Huron were not part of an alien invasion, most people took him at his word.

“We don’t yet know exactly what these three objects were,” Biden said on Thursday. “But nothing — nothing right now suggests they were related to China’s spy balloon program or that they were surveillance vehicles from other — any other country.” People who think “Big Bang Theory” is actually funny breathed a sigh of relief when they found out that China wasn’t spying on us or that E.T. wasn’t coming to pick up his cousin Ted Cruz. But Biden’s next sentence struck fear in the heart of people of rhythmic descent: 

“The intelligence community’s current assessment is that these three objects were most likely balloons tied to private companies, recreation or research institutions studying weather or conducting other scientific research,” said Biden. “We know that a range of entities, including countries, companies and research organizations operate objects at altitudes for purposes that are not nefarious, including legitimate scientific research.”

That’s when I panicked

People of African descent remember that the transatlantic slave trade began when Portuguese trade wind “researchers” Nuno Tristão and Antao Gonçalves pulled up in 1441 and asked an Amazigh fisherman to “take me to your leader.” The Taino will never forget that Christopher Columbus was conducting “scientific research” in 1492 for “other countries” seeking a path to the West Indies. The people living on Turtle Island recall when British “adventurers” from the Virginia Company of London arrived in 1609 and gentrified the west side of Tsenacommacah

The indigenous occupants of Africa, North America, the Caribbean islands and South America were all colonized by UFOs (unidentified foreign oppressors) with ties to “private companies, recreation, or research institutions studying weather or conducting other scientific research.” 

However, if interstellar beings are planning to colonize the “New World,” they’re gonna need some help. And, despite what you might think, white people are terrible colonizers. Black people, on the other hand, are experts in this field of study. 

We managed to survive the first European settlements in the Caribbean and South America. When white people came to North America by themselves, they disappeared into thin air. Ponce de Leon, the first white man to land in Florida, decided to bring a Black guy along. Ponce died from arrow poisoning, but his Black companion survived. In 1525, the first Spanish settlers abandoned the first European settlement in North America after enslaved Africans ran away. The first English settlers almost starved to death until they realized they could survive on a diet consisting of English settlers. Asking our Caucasian countrymen for colonizing advice is like asking Ron DeSantis to help you learn Black history. Even if they tell you what they know, it’s probably wrong. 

Luckily, we’re willing to help (for a small fee, of course).

As one of America’s most noted institutions of higher learning, theGrio University is constantly searching for ways to expand our educational offering and meet the needs of a changing world. That’s why we created a college-level course to help you meet the challenges you might face during your journey to world domination. 

The following is a syllabus for your 10-week course on becoming a colonizer. 

COURSE TITLE: Introduction to Conquering and Ruling Terrestrials for Usurpers From Outer Space 


COURSE OVERVIEW: Taking over an entire planet is a difficult, time-consuming long-term project. Every colonizer will offer their opinion on how this feat can be accomplished. However, one group of people has experienced every conceivable form of human subjugation and managed to survive. Using that historical knowledge and expertise, this course gives imperial intruders the skills necessary to take over any solar system.

PREREQUISITES: Interplanetary navigation 101, Oppression 250, Intro to White Studies

INSTRUCTOR: Black people

COURSE OBJECTIVE: This course is for future alien overlords who seek executive positions in “a range of entities, including countries, companies, and research organizations operate objects at altitudes for purposes that are not nefarious, including legitimate scientific research.”  

After completing this course, prospective extraterrestrial students will be able to:

  • Claim land
  • Survive the relocation
  • Control the inhabitants
  • Form a government
  • Weaponize their alien privilege
  • Create a system of alien supremacy
  • Suppress rebellion
  • Live happily ever after

Textbooks and study material: 

  • The 2619 Project
  • How to be an Anti-Spacist
  • The Souls of Earth Folk
  • Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of Earth (It’s not released yet but I heard it’s gonna be good).

Course Outline

Week 1 – “Claiming” techniques: Prior to conquering, pillaging and plundering, students will determine how to “claim” the land and resources as their own. Do you offer beads and pelts? Manifest Destiny? Forced migration? Do you pretend to peacefully coexist and slowly encroach on their territory? All options will be explored. 

Week 2 – Political principles: Building a strong political foundation is an essential part of colonizing a people. After examining the morals, religious and ethical beliefs necessary to building a prosperous society, the class will disregard that junk and write a constitution that benefits the aliens. For example, do we say “all lifeforms are created equally” while counting humans as 3/5ths of people who descended from star trekkers? 

Aliens will understand this as a “compromise.” 

Humans will call it “flight supremacy.”

Week 3 – Basic economics: It is important to construct a hierarchal economic system that will allow the alien race to control resources in perpetuity. The easiest way to achieve this goal is to create a class of free labor based on an arbitrary physical characteristic. I know this seems like an evil thing to do (it is), but if you allude to it in your constitution, you can always claim you didn’t support it while simultaneously providing generational wealth for your future descendants.  

Plus, you can always claim that “slavery existed in every galaxy.”

TERM PAPER: Write a brief letter to your former overlord declaring that all lifeforms are created equal which also allows you to treat some lifeforms unequally.

Week 5 – Social and cultural control: The easiest way to control a population is to get them to adopt a system of beliefs carefully constructed to affirm the values that benefit you most. Teach them an interstellar religion, but slightly alter the doctrine to make them believe that your  invisible sky deity supports slaverySteal their children. Ban them from practicing their religion, speaking their language or learning their history. Steal their children. Steal their art, music and history, water it down, monetize it and pretend you created it. 

Did I mention that you should, steal their children?

How else are you supposed to “civilize them.”

  • MIDTERM PROJECT: Create a slur for your human underlings. You will be judged on its lasting effects. If your subjects start using the word so much that your fellow spacemen start to wonder why they can’t use it, you will receive a 10-point bonus. 

Week 6 – Alien privilege: It is impossible for the ruling alien class to share economic, social and political advantages with every alien. However, once you assign a higher value to life forms with green skin, poor aliens will collaborate in the oppression of the BIPOCs (bipedal indigenous planetary oxygen consumers). Once the conquered earthlings start worshipping an alien god, speaking an alien language and navigating an alien society, it will be harder for them to navigate a society constructed specifically to benefit the class of celestial colonizers. 

A few random earthlings might still slip through the cracks. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you failed. In fact, point out the people who succeeded in a system designed to subjugate the human race and say:

“See? There is no such thing as systemic racism.”   

Week 7 – Dealing with resistance: After some time has passed, colonized populations may occasionally band together to fight for human racial equality or celestial rights. In the extreme chance that our overlords are forced to emancipate their earthlings, they will explore new methods to control the emancipated. Strategies include creating laws designed to oppress, enlisting officers to enforce the oppression and qualifying the law enforcement officers to be immune from the law. 

The group project will involve building an entire criminal justice system. Don’t be alarmed, the project will be graded on the system’s “criminal” aspects. If it functions properly…  

There’ll be no justice.

Week 8 – Inequality preservation: To maintain alien rule, students will learn alternative methods of control. We will teach classes how to maintain social inequality by separating earthlings from alien life forms (ALFpartheid). If students struggle to create segregation maps (I suggest using red lines) and underfunded schools, they will still be able to steal resources from HBCUs (Human Body Colleges and Universities) and give them to pillaging world invaders(PWIs). In rare cases, students may need to form a cosmic interstellar program (COINTELPRO) or introduce humans to a highly addictive substance. This way, the people who don’t have smuggling balloons or interplanetary spaceships can participate in the Star Wars on Drugs.

TERM PAPER 2: Write a 10-page paper convincing your fellow classmates that the civil war was about “space rights.”

Week 9 – Space-Baiting: Because humans are easily influenced, we will teach the class how to put their colony on cruise control by getting their subjects to buy into colonized thinking. The class will also learn how to demonize freedom movements by redefining words and coming up with new terms. Instead of that woke, Marxist, politically correct ideology, they will learn to identify “reverse spacism” and stand for the “Star Strangler’s Banner.” They will refuse to acknowledge that carbon-based lives matter but, because aliens don’t have skeletal systems, students will always claim: 

“I don’t have a “spacist bone in their body.”

Lesson 10 – Spacewashing history: How do we explain all of our past evils?

We don’t! 

Even without the use of our time-space transponders, students will explore Caucasian Race Theory. Founded by the scholar Ron DeSantis, CRT teaches students to manipulate the past to make alien kids feel comfortable. They will be taught that the founding cosmonauts were demigods who definitely treated their humans with humanity. New Yorkers will be grateful for the transgalactic space trade because they will never learn about the lasering of white Wall Street. We will never discuss how all aliens benefitted from colonizing their planet. 

Done correctly, aliens will eventually believe they are generically and culturally superior and will tell earthlings to stop playing the “human race card.” Students will demonize people for engaging in “humanity politics” and “making everything about space.” They will suggest that poor humans pull themselves up by their spaceboot straps and focus on earthling-on-earthling crime. And if anyone asks they will be able to recite the mantra of the space supremacists everywhere:

Make Earth great again. 

FINAL EXAM: Write a 20-page thesis. In the first 10 pages, explain in detail how you plan to apply the lessons you’ve learned in the course. After you have traumatized, oppressed, disenfranchised, stolen, beaten and erased the existence of an entire race…

Explain why you are not a spacist country.

Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in 2023.

TheGrio is FREE on your TV via Apple TV, Amazon Fire, Roku, and Android TV. Please download theGrio mobile apps today! 

Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released on Sept. 19, 2023.

TheGrio is FREE on your TV via Apple TV, Amazon Fire, Roku, and Android TV. Please download theGrio mobile apps today!