Single fathers earn praise on Mother's Day
theGRIO REPORT - Amid the game-day shout outs, songs, and Facebook remembrances, a growing group is also quickly becoming the recipient of well wishes on Mother's Day: single dads.
On Mother’s Day, grandmothers, mothers, aunties, godmothers, and sisters are lavished with praise for their role in raising children. But amid the game-day shout outs, songs, and Facebook remembrances, a growing group is also quickly becoming the recipient of well wishes: single dads.
According to the Pew Center for Research, single fathers now head 2.6 million households in the U.S., a ninefold increase since 1960. With more fathers becoming their children’s primary caregiver, Mother’s Day can either be a painful reminder that mom is missing or a time to honor dads for taking on both roles.
For Harold Jobson, it’s a little bit of both. Jobson, who has two sons, 14-year-old Isaiah and 11-year-old Harold Jr., from two different relationships, has full custody of his boys. While he knows a few other single dads, Jobson says most people are surprised to find out he’s parenting alone.
“The assumption is the mother must have been on drugs or some really bad person to have lost custody, but that’s not the case,” he says. “It just ended up being that the court thought I was the better parent to raise the boys.”
Though Jobson’s older son has a relationship with his mother and spends time with her every summer, his younger son, Harold Jr., does not. This makes things difficult come Mother’s Day.
“I think not having a relationship with his mom has left a hole for him emotionally. That worries me,” Jobson explains. In an effort to fill in the gap, he goes out of his way to do special things for his younger son while his oldest visits his mother. “A few years ago, I told him that in the summer I would take him anywhere in the continental United States that he wants to go.”
Traveling is important to the Jobsons. For the last six months, they’ve been on a trip that has taken them from their home in Denver, Colorado, to Africa, Asia, Europe, Oceania, and South America. They’ve documented their travels on Journeywiththejobsons.com, but for the elder Jobson, seeing the world is about more than just fun. “My goal is to infect my sons with the wanderlust that can never be cured.”
New Orleans Police Office Authur Ponder also goes out of his way to make sure his children feel special. Ponder raises three daughters, ages 19, 9, and 5. Although he shares custody of his youngest two daughters with their mothers, he’s been the primary caregiver of his oldest daughter since she was 13. Ponder brags that he can do everything from cooking to pressing hair but says most people don’t believe that a single man can actually raise kids, especially daughters.
“People have told me it’s not going to work, I’m not going to be able to take care of my children, but I don’t listen to it,” Ponder says. “My children know that I’m there for them and I provide for them. So I really don’t pay attention to anyone’s reactions to me.”
Despite some people’s initial skepticism, Ponder says that most give him props for being an involved dad, particularly come Mother’s Day.
“At first I would tell them I’m not a mother, but now I don’t have a problem with it,” Ponder explains. Although his daughters don’t wish him a happy Mother’s Day, they do shower him with love.
“When my baby girl says, ‘Daddy I love you,’ that overwhelms me,” the proud dad says.
It’s a sentiment repeated by Eugene Wilkerson, a single dad from Westwego, Louisiana. Wilkerson, who’s been the primary caregiver for his 11-year-old daughter for the last two years, says seeing her name on the honor roll has been one of his proudest moments. While he’s helped provide stability in her life, she’s the one who inspires him.
“She motivated me to become a homeowner,” Wilkerson says of his daughter’s influence on his life. “I always wanted to be there for her because my father and I never had a real bond. Even though my parents are still together, and my dad was there financially, we weren’t close. So I want to be a better father and set an example of how she should be treated by a man when she gets older.”
Wilkerson must be doing something right. Each year, he’s inundated with Mother’s Day praise. “I’m not embarrassed by it,” he says of the outpouring of love, “I’m just a proud dad.”
Rafiq Mateen, an Atlanta-based single dad, sees things a little differently.
“I used to say Happy ‘Fother’s Day,’ for father’s-slash-mother’s day, but then something dawned on me,” Mateen, the father of a 17-year-old daughter, says. “Mothers are mothers and fathers are fathers. Yes we’re playing both roles, but you can’t take away what a mother is, and vice versa.”
Mateen, an Air Force vet and IT professional, went through a lengthy court battle to win custody of his then-infant daughter and has been raising her on his own ever since. Unlike the other dads the Grio spoke with, Mateen and his daughter don’t celebrate Mother’s Day.
“For us, it’s a regular day,” he says, noting his daughter’s mother isn’t a part of her life. Instead, they call Mateen’s mother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day because she’s been a constant presence in his daughter’s life. “I’ve always tried to surround her with good female role models like my mom. But I’ve also tried to make sure she’s around married parents so she can see there are people who get married and stay together.”
While single dads appreciate being recognized for the roles they’ve played in their children’s lives, Wilkerson says there’s nothing special about what he’s doing.
“A lot of people ask me: how do you do it?” he says. “I tell them it’s nothing to it. You just have to want to be there.”
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