Iyanla Vanzant discusses the importance of fathers in new OWN special, 'Oprah's Lifeclass: Fatherless Sons'
theGRIO Q&A - Dr. Iyanla Vanzant has partnered with Oprah Winfrey in an attempt to address societal ills that are a product of a widespread form of individual suffering: the growing number of fatherless sons...
To many men and women of all backgrounds you are an iconic presence of wholeness and healing. How does it feel to be such a strong example, especially as you have shared your own healing journey through your books and other media?
I don’t think of myself that way. I’m really not attached to the labels. I don’t think I’m iconic at all. I just think that I’ve been given an opportunity by life, the universe — [and] Oprah Winfrey (laughs) — to say out loud what people talk about around the kitchen table about these things.
There are hundreds of thousands of women right now talking about the fact that their children’s father isn’t in their life. But nobody is saying it out loud. And no one has the solutions. What I hope to offer are the healing solutions, the greater possibilities. If that makes me iconic, then I accept it, but for me it’s my life ministry, the work that I’ve come on this planet to do. It’s the reason that I’ve had the experiences that I’ve had. That doesn’t mean I have the answers to everything, or that I know everything. But I do know that what we’re doing now isn’t working. I know that, and I can speak to that. I know what worked and what didn’t work in my own life, and I can speak to that.
So, I think that’s what it is for me: Let me just say out loud what nobody else is saying.
In a portion of Oprah’s Lifeclass: Fatherless Sons, it is stated that a mother can’t be a father. That is interesting, because every Father’s Day, a lot of black women will thank their mother for being both their mother and their father, which often elicits strong disagreements from black men. Can you elaborate on that statement?
Fathers protect, fathers provide, fathers perform. In the absence of a father, a mother can protect, a mother can provide. A mother cannot perform the roles a father is expected to perform, because she’s not a man. My right hand can’t do what my left hand can do. It just can’t happen.
There are some things that a father gives both a male child and a female child that a mother cannot because she’s not a male. If you look at the energy of it, a male is very different. Classic case: A father will take a boy child or a girl child, throw it up in the air, and catch ’em on the way down. That teaches the child that, “I’m secure,” that, “I’m safe,” that “I can go into unknown, uncharted territory, and I’m gonna fall, and that’s going to be okay.”
Mothers never throw their children up in the air! (Laughs.) They just don’t do it. Because our propensity is to do the softer, the gentler, the more nurturing kinds of things. We don’t even have the energy to do it the way men do it. There’s an energy that a mother can’t bring. There’s a mind set that a mother cannot bring, because she’s female and not male.
Doesn’t mean she can’t protect her children. Doesn’t mean she can’t provide for her children. But she can never, as a female, perform the things that are specifically performed by a male. She just can’t do it. Doesn’t take away from her what she does. But she can’t do what a man does.
After your show on fatherless sons, will there be a show about fatherless daughters?
They’re called “daddyless daughters.” A boy needs a father. That’s a role. That’s a demonstration. That’s a model.
A girl needs a daddy. That is an energy. That’s a position. That is a place in her heart. Very different. But yes, we will do something on that.
About your other show, Iyanla: Fix My Life — people are so curious to know if you have reached any form of resolution since your falling out with DMX after he appeared on that program. You taped a beautiful open letter to him, extending an offering of healing. Has there been any communication between you two?
No. One of the things that we’ve discovered in the taping of Iyanla: Fix My Life is that the more willing the guest is to do the work, and to do the healing, the greater the resolution. And for his own reasons, as well as the obvious reason of his substance abuse issues, he just isn’t willing. And that’s okay. The seed has been planted. Sometimes you plant a seed, and it takes the tree two, three years to grow. The seed has been planted.
But it’s all contingent on his willingness, and right now he’s not willing.
Who will be coming up next on Iyanla: Fix My Life? What do you think of Lauryn Hill as a candidate, given all she is publicly going through?
I only look at issues. So if her issue is something that speaks to the hearts and the minds of the viewers, that’s fine. We don’t do Fix My Life for celebrities, and Fix My Life for normal people. We do Fix My Life looking at the issues. And that’s what we’re fixing. The issues. So it doesn’t matter to me whose name is attached to it.
I was really struck by what you described as your ministry: Your shows and your books as a spiritual path. How do you stay inspired spiritually?
I have a daily spiritual practice. I have a life, because there’s a force, an essence, an energy — some call it God, some call it spirit, some call it “source” — that’s greater than me. And each day it is my responsibility as a living being to tap into that source, to be connected to that energy.
And that is why what I do every day is about manifesting, about demonstrating, the energy of that source.
That’s what makes my life a ministry. That’s what makes my work a ministry — connecting to and demonstrating the essence of that source.
Follow Alexis Garrett Stodghill on Twitter at @lexisb.
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