Why I hope Pres. Obama goes full #TeamPetty in his final SOTU speech

Luther Vandross was outed as gay after his death.

When President Barack Obama began his second term, I was excited because he was officially on lame duck status, and that meant he could take more risks. He could be bolder, and he could give the absolute minimum about people’s feelings.

Being the first black president of the United States of America ain’t been no crystal stair for him, and he has faced more death threats than any other president ever, a record level of hateration from the public and complete disrespect from the people who should honor the office the most: Congress.

So the fact that Michelle’s husband still has ANY decorum and behavior left is a testament to his upstanding character, and to a high level of patience. Even the biblical Job is like “you’ve done good.” However, in this last year, we’ve come to see that everyone has a limit, because Barack has had a good number of “f*ck your feelings” moments, and I’ve been so proud. From last year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where he says he now has a list that rhymes with “bucket,” to talking about how folks keep “popping off” to basically calling the Republicans immature.

I need Petty Barack to come out ALL THE WAY, and tonight’s State of the Union address might be that opportunity. It is his last SOTU, so he has to make it count. He knows that, too, because the official publicity photo for the address is of President Obama in an untied tie, with his mouth in the air looking like he’s saying “COME AT ME, BRO.” I think it might be safe to say that he’s going to leave a couple of dambs (yes, with a B) on that stage, making sure he has none left to give.

First of all, I want our President to be unapologetically black on that stage. He should walk in as Kendrick Lamar performs, since they’re besties now, and he had him come to the White House for a private meeting in December. Kendrick gotta make sure his cornrows are freshly done though, and we won’t even mind that they don’t touch his neck. We’ll just pray and hope they don’t stay that same length for years, like that dude Brian from Day 26.

Judging by that promo picture, President Obama is ready to say what he gotta say and bounce. He seems ready to drop pretense, niceness and code-switching. I bet he’ll say “on my mama” at least one time during that speech. For example: “On my mama, I have worked to the bone to make this country better.” And I want someone in the audience to yell out an affirmative “WORD. YOU HAVE.” Because what’s some truth without a choir cheering it on?

During the speech, I want him to talk about his haters, and how they’ve tried their best to be enemies of progress in this country. At which point, the camera needs to pan to Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and the rest of their Republican cohorts.

I want ‘Rack to roll up on that stage and tell Congress that they’ve been classless wonders, and that the rebounding economy is happening in spite  not because  of them. At which point, he then commands them to “get their sh*t together because I don’t have time.” This is when Democrats need to stand up and give him a standing ovation because they too should be sick of the shenanigans of the GOP and their new Tea Party overlords.

At the end of the SOTU address, I want Barack to drop the mic and dropkick the podium and moonwalk out. At which point, Michelle meets him and they high five and kiss. So people everywhere can lose their minds with #RelationshipGoals.

Sighs. I already miss the First Black Family, and they’re still in office. We only have eleven more months to say “My President is Black,” and I want these months to go very slow. Who knows the next time we’ll get this chance? The way this country’s racism is set up, the prayer is that it happens in my lifetime again.

All I know is, I’ll be front and center tonight watching MY President begin his farewell tour, and I’m just not ready.

Luvvie is a side-eye sorceress and writer who talks pop culture at Awesomely Luvvie, technology at Awesomely Techie. She is also the Executive Director of The Red Pump Project. She can be found loitering on Twitter (@Luvvie), Facebook and Instagram.