The Stormy Daniels affair shouldn’t surprise anyone, but the tea is piping hot

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No one is surprised by the Stormy Daniels interview, right? One thing that’s as certain in life as taxes and Moscato mimosa hangovers: there will always be rich, powerful, physically unattractive men – often married with kids – with some preternaturally attractive side chick and/or escort on his payroll who harbors secrets powerful enough to destroy everything he’s worked for.

That’s why it should surprise precisely no one that longtime billionaire and even longer-time ugly bastard Donald Trump has an adult film star in his history who allegedly overlapped with one of his three wives. I can’t see how Trump and his squirrel toupee would be capable of pulling anything close to a dime piece in the last several decades if he weren’t rich and famous.

So, I didn’t blink an eye when Stormy Daniels–who had her adult film career prime more than decade ago with such gems as Breast Kept Secrets and Say Aloha to My A-Hola– said she had an affair with Trump in 2006 when his wife, Melania, was pregnant with their son.

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Another Day, Another Scandal

First off, in the grand scheme of Trump’s flaming Hindenburg, Exxon-Valdez, bubonic plague, extinction-level event, World War Z zombie apocalypse of a presidency, a 12-year-old sex scandal rates at the dead-ass bottom of relevancy. This is Trump’s equivalent of the President Obama tan suit “controversy.”

That he messed around on Melania is also insignificant — as is the case with many married men who have the money to do what the hell they please, the couple might have an “understanding” regarding his extra-curricular activities. Which I’m sure is just fine with Melania since she, a model who is nearly a quarter-century younger than Trump, totally married him for his attractiveness and sexual virility. If the two of them have had sex since he started his bid for president, I’d eat the keyboard I’m typing on.

What interests me are Stormy Daniels’ details. I’ve been waiting like a small child on Christmas Eve for her to finally stop skipping around that weak-ass non-disclosure agreement and get to dishing. That’s why her 60 Minutes interview with Anderson Cooper was an even slightly more exciting part of this past weekend than my Michigan Wolverines making it to the Final Four.

The most interesting morsel – that Daniels had Trump pull down his pants so she could spank him with a rolled-up magazine – is also the least surprising. As any dominatrix with an A-list clientele list knows, powerful white men love to be sexually subjugated by women. The only bad part about that revelation is the now-indelible mental image of Trump rolling down his pants. Dude strikes me as one of those men who never graduated from tighty-whities to boxers like most pre-pubescent males, but I digress.

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According to Stormy Daniels, she and Trump had unprotected sex, which actually says a lot about both of them. As an adult film star, having unprotected, non-industry sex is the equivalent of an athlete riding a motorcycle with no helmet or a heart surgeon taking up boxing.  Why wouldn’t you work to protect that which makes your living? And if you’re Trump, why would you go in raw dog with someone you know puts up more numbers by Thursday of any given week than most people do in a lifetime? Bad decision-making on both sides.

The most alarming part of Daniels’ confession is not that Trump told her that she reminded her of her daughter Ivanka (which made me run bath water as soon as I heard it), but that Trump allegedly had someone verbally threaten Daniels to keep her mouth shut about the affair in front of her then-infant daughter. But any suggestion that that might enrage Trump’s loyal followers is risible considering they voted for Mr. Grab Her By the P—. Dude could probably hang a woman off the top of the White House Suge Knight style and still rack up those 2020 votes.

Teflon Don

There are also the legal implications of Trump’s attorney, Michael Cohen, giving Daniels 130 bands to keep her quiet right before the presidential election. It would’ve been illegal if the money came from campaign funds, but Cohen insists it came out of his own pocket as a gesture for a friend, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’d give up organs to save my friends’ lives but not that kind of money to clean up their dumb shit.

I hope that Daniels and her attorney Michael Avenatti (who, according to Twitter, immediately obtained “zaddy” status following the 60 Minutes interview) get all the bags from this whole shitshow, mainly because attempting to silence a woman through intimidation is pretty reprehensible. I’m sure there are a handful of people hoping against hope that all this might somehow feed a potential Trump impeachment, a la Clinton.

But come on, son. Trump’s as impervious to consequences from moral transgressions as he is to a good suit tailor. If this shit happened to Obama, there’d be folks surrounding the White House hanging him from nooses in effigy. If how Trump treated women ever mattered, I’d be doing something else with my Sunday evening instead of writing about this, because that fool would never have gotten elected in the first place.

Alas, here we are.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.