Let’s Get the 2020 Presidential Election Right: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and all your favorite celebrities need to sit down somewhere

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According to a former aide who managed to land some words in the The Wall Street Journal, Lena Dunham’s favorite white woman Hillary Clinton is eyeing a third bid for the presidency in 2020.

You hear that…? That’s the sound of every Black person collectively yelling “ma’am” as they roll their eyes in the back of their head. I’m pretty sure the definition of political insanity involves running for the same office three times in 12 years. I can’t imagine what would give Clinton the presence of mind to once again put so much on the line mentally, physically and emotionally, and at an age when most folks are cooling out sipping on Moscato spritzers. (Maybe she’s trying to one-up Bill…?)

Clinton potentially getting the Democratic nomination is troubling news for several reasons: Short of her singlehandedly preventing the next mass shooting like Meteor Man and having it go viral, the same people who didn’t care for her in 2016 aren’t going to feel differently two years from now. And it’s possible that the smart-dumb n—-s who think Clinton and Donald Trump are comparable and insisted on “raging against the bipartisan machine” by voting for the useless Green Party candidate in 2016 haven’t learned their lesson.

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Don’t forget that Clinton was initially favored to win her first two bids. She simply had the utter misfortune of going up against the most charismatic brother to enter politics since…ever…in 2008, when the country was truly looking to do something profound in light of eight years of Bush f—ery. Chalk that one up (mostly) to bad timing.

But the fact that she lost to a reality television star who ran on the most patently offensive and polarizing platform I’ve ever witnessed pretty much solidified that she’s not it, chief. I get that Clinton won the popular vote, but it shouldn’t have even been close. A grocery bag of unspooled yarn should’ve beat Trump – Clinton simply doesn’t invoke the passion of the people to get them out to the polls.

Misogyny most certainly plays a role in the wanton disrespect Clinton receives to this day. But I firmly believe that the number of 10^th grade human biology-failing idiots who think “that time of the month” might motivate a septuagenarian to hit the big red nuke button is exceeded by the number of folks who simply don’t rock with her for more legitimate reasons.

If Clinton really does run again, it’ll be less a testament to her “tireless tenacity” and more so about her white privilege for believing she should continue to keep busting her head up against a democracy that has already rejected her. Twice. But to be clear, if she gets the Democratic nomination, I’m still voting for her over Trump. And you’d better as well, goddammit.

Viable Picks for 2020

I’ve yet to see the candidate who can actually make me feel good about Trump not getting a second term. If I had to pick a Democratic nominee today, though:

Cory Booker: We needed a “pristine” Black man like Obama to be the first to sit in the Oval Office; hopefully now, white folks can tolerate a more complicated one like Booker. Dude is passionate and has consistently proven that he has the proletariat’s best interests at heart. If nothing else, we know Booker won’t be on that Nancy Pelosi bipartisan bullshit if he keeps the same energy in the White House.

Kamala Harris: The California senator has espoused Black (and East Indian) girl magic quite a bit in the past year, most recently giving U.S. Supreme Court appointee and old boys’ club secretary/treasurer Brett Kavanaugh the business during a probe involving Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. She doesn’t mess around, but she also doesn’t take herself too seriously. Sounds like someone else we know who was recently in the White House. 

Elizabeth Warren: Warren hit a very rare misstep by taking Trump’s bait and getting a test to confirm that she’s like 1/18,025^th Native American. But I’ve been saying since before 2016 that Warren was the actual white woman that we needed to run against Trump. She lacks Clinton’s centrism as well as her political baggage. Warren could really shake shit up if she throws her hat in the ring.

Folks Who Need to Sit out the 2020 Race

Bernie Sanders: Even before he stuck his full-ass foot in his mouth, I wasn’t hype about Sanders giving it another shot, if for no other reason than the fact that he’s already 3,017 years old. We saw how the presidency aged Barack Obama – if Sanders finished an 8-year term in 2028, he’ll look like the Crypt Keeper when it’s over. 

Anyone with no political experience: Only in America (I hope) do mouth-breathers accept the idea that someone who has never had a job in an industry is best-equipped for the CEO position. It makes my whole soul hurt to see people sincerely suggest Oprah or The Rock run in 2020. Because if I have to look at the star of Race to Witch Mountain go up against the dude from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, I’ll just pack my duffel bag and move to Addis Ababa forever.

Any billionaire: I’m not ideologically opposed to billionaires or capitalism, but it feels better knowing that the free world isn’t being run by a person primarily motivated by filling their own coffers. Insanely rich people tend to want to become even richer, and there’s likely no better political office than the presidency to make that happen. Just take a look at the idiot in there now.

For what it’s worth Michelle Obama said at this point, everyone is qualified and everyone should run. Nice little dig to the Idiot in Chief currently residing in the White House.

.@MichelleObama on whether Hillary Clinton should run for president in 2020: “I think at this point everybody is qualified and everybody should run. I might even tap Sasha!” https://t.co/E6lGKfK6oR pic.twitter.com/Axrvs7SDZQ

— Good Morning America (@GMA) November 13, 2018

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Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.