Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
The Golden State Warriors are rumored to be mulling a blockbuster trade involving beleaguered NBA bruiser Draymond Green.
According to multiple sources that do not exist, including two barbers at Cutz N Stylez barbershop and a guy whose cousin kicks it with some people who work “high up” in the Golden State Warriors organization, a collective representing law enforcement officers across America have informally offered a first-round pick for the four-time All-Star power forward.
The offer comes after Green was suspended indefinitely for a backhand punch to Phoenix Sun center Jusuf Nurkic’s head during a game on Tuesday. A spokesman for True Heroes Enforcing Brutality and Dismissing Concerns Over Public Safety (THEBADCOPS), the law enforcement organization rumored to have offered the trade, would not confirm the reports, only saying that THEBADCOPS are always looking to add talent to their roster.
“As an organization, our scouts are continually searching for talented individuals — especially those who show a gift for violence and physical abuse,” said Jack Cupp, a spokesperson for THEBADCOPS. “So it goes without saying that we’ve had our eye on Draymond for years. When we saw the video of him punching his own teammate for insulting him, our coaches said: “We could use someone like that to enforce our culture of silence.”
While THEBADCOPS insisted that we wait until all the evidence comes out, sources inside the organization said they are excited at the possibility of having someone on their team who has shown such dedication to protecting and serving his own interests. “It’s rare to see someone execute such high-level pimp slapping without being trained at a police academy,” said one insider who spoke on the condition that he turn off his bodycam. “Can you imagine how much deadlier he’d be with a gun and a badge?”
The alleged trade would bring the former Defensive Player of the Year to a law enforcement agency in exchange for a first-round pick and two officers to be acquitted later. THEBADCOPS are reportedly not concerned with Green’s indefinite suspension, explaining that they are uniquely equipped to handle situations like these. “Trust me, we know how to deal with a few days suspension and a slap on the wrists,” said THEBADCOPS head trainer B. Tim Down. “I still can’t believe he was suspended five games for choking Timberwolves center Rudy Gobert. How was Draymond supposed to know that dude wasn’t reaching for a weapon? I’m sure Draymond feared for his life.”
Over the course of his career, Green has averaged 9.7 points, 5.5 rebounds and 1.3 groin punches per game. As a three-tool player (chest stomps, groin kicks and face elbows), the six-time NBA champion (Four NBA Finals, two Thug of the Year trophies) is known as one of basketball’s most passionate players. Unfortunately, his passion is beating up people. Although his use of force disproportionately affects Black payers, THEBADCOPS insists that Green’s violence has nothing to do with race. “We don’t care if their jerseys are Black, white or purple, they just want players to do their job,” read a statement from BADCOPS Hall of Famer Derek Chauvin, who is currently serving an 8,216 game sentence. “I’d love to see him in a blue and red uniform.” (THEBADCOPS wear blue uniforms, but sometimes blood gets splattered on it.)
Citing NBA tampering rules, the possibility of being laid out during a layup drill and the insanity of policing in America, the Warriors’ front office refused to comment.
According to the Law Enforcement Epidemiology Project, police use force on or threaten about 1 million civilians every year, resulting in an estimated 75,000 non-fatal injuries requiring hospital treatment and 600 to 1,000 deaths.
It’s almost like brutalizing Black people is America’s favorite pastime.
Michael Harriot is an economist, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His New York Times bestseller Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America is available everywhere books are sold.
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