Kim Kardashian has boldly gone where a few reality TV stars have gone before her — she’s released a pop music single. On which she is singing. Horribly.
Kim hooked up with super-producer The-Dream for nearly four minutes of auto-tuned embarrassment known as “Jam (Turn It Up).” She sings compelling lyrics like “I’m goin’ out tonight/It’s goin’ down, headed straight to the front of the line,” warbled in a monotone so horrible even auto-tune couldn’t make it interesting.
If anyone asks, Kim’s official reason for this aural monstrosity is charity: “This was just a fun new experience! I am so glad I went for it! And the proceeds to Jam are being donated to St. Judes Children’s hospital,” she wrote on her Twitter account.
The song isn’t just horrible, it almost feels insulting — did she really think that people would embrace this song as good? Are we all going to have to step up to the “say something nice” challenge because it’s for charity, instead of addressing the fact that she made a really crappy song?
Perhaps this song really is for charity, instead of the publicity stunt it feels like. Or worse, perhaps Kim is genuinely testing the waters of a music career.
If Kim is in fact exploring a music career, this song has “no” written all over it, and could possibly damage her brand, especially with black people. Though we all may not love her, she’s been generally accepted as friend to black people with the following parameters: we, black people, will somewhat willingly accept your presence in pop culture if you, Kim Kardashian, understand that your greatest contribution is your curvy figure and crazy family. Do not purport to have any sort of talent or interesting qualities. Be our dark-haired Jessica Simpson and we will support you with an eye-roll and a hug.
Because let’s be honest: she’s never been the most captivating character on her shows, and in many ways she can be borderline dis-likable. However she is a savvy business woman surrounded by a crazy relatives, and she smartly plays the glamorous show pony that rolls out the family circus.
But once she starts laying down tracks, it is the violation of the terms of agreement. Hold up Kim, you can’t sing. So what in the world are you doing in the studio trying to release a pop single? Why Kim?
It’s the arrogance of celebrity (and perhaps the greed of managers and agents) that makes stars discontent to peacefully reside in their own corner of fame. Actors have to become singers. Rappers have to become actors. Athletes have to take up another pro sport just to prove they can do it all.
And in an age when a news story out of Alabama can become a top-selling iTunes single, it’s not unusual to wonder what Autotune can do for you. However the digital tool can only go but so far with Kim K — even with meters and equalizers her monotone shines through. Like most attempted cross-over artists, this bid from Kim falls beyond flat.
For a person who has previously been acutely self-aware of her strengths as a celebrity, this pop single figures as an embarrassing misstep in her business plan. Perhaps some tone-deaf teens will enthusiastically embrace Kim’s new musical endeavor, but for the rest of her reluctant fan base, Kim should stick to the party line of crazy personal shenanigans and tight dresses, and stay out the studio.