Black women are sexual beings, like all human beings. It’s not groundbreaking news or gasp-worthy, but it is a less spoken reality. When black women are not telling their own stories, the media paints their sexualities in extremes. They’re the celibate church ladies saving it for their husbands. Or they’re the video vixens dropping it like it’s hot for some rapper’s new song. All stereotypes have truth, but many black women are exploring their relationships with sex, pleasure, and expression somewhere between the extremes. In safe spaces of sisterhood and open conversation, you’ll find them curious, excited, and ready to explore the boundaries of their sensual lives. Sex workshops and pleasure parties are not off limits. In fact, you’ll often find black women there shopping for sex toys and fun information, like other races of women.
“Black women are much more multidimensional and extraordinary than popular stereotypes. I’ve seen brown-skinned beauties at erotic reading series, at pleasure parties, in sex toy shops, and other venues,” says Twanna Hines, sex educator and blogger at funkybrownchick.com. Given that black women often combat the video vixen image with a prim external aura, this information often seems shocking. Yet our participation at sex-themed bashes is common.
Pleasure parties and educational seminars allow women to learn about sex toys, and sometimes get messages, manicures and enjoy other sensual delights. While exact numbers are hard to come by, anecdotal evidence of who is attending such affairs — which are held nation-wide — will often reveal that numbers include a surprising amount of sisters. An event held in recent months at a successful sex toy store called Babeland in the Soho area of New York City (far from any black neighborhood) attracted about 60 African-American women out of an audience of 70.
Revealing this feels like a scandalous secret, but our participation in such forums is not. Black women want to enhance their relationships with pleasure like anyone else. So why might it stun people to imagine them at sex-related soirees? Perhaps it’s the lack of complex black female characters in modern life.
“If we were to see black women laugh, giggle, swoon, smile, blush, or cry in vibrantly emotional scenes involving sex on the page or silver screen, that would mean we were as uniquely individual and diverse as any other ethnic group. It’s much easier to write us off as religious prudes or slutty whores,” Hines explains to theGrio.
The media is always a sensitive spot when it comes to black women, as many screenwriters and television producers fail to capture black women’s heterogeneous humanity compared to women of other races. The mainstream seems to fail to an extreme when it comes to depictions of black women’s sexualities, which Hines cites as a universal characteristic of oppression and dehumanization.
The resulting stereotypes are tiring, frustrating, and perhaps even damaging for black women who look to see themselves on screen — even as they explore their sexual appetites. It doesn’t help that we are too often seen as asexual Mammies or hypersexual Jezebels.
Hines grew up as an evangelical Christian, and had initially planned to save herself for marriage. She didn’t have sex for the first time until she was in her twenties, and even then, experienced orgasm-less sex for years.
“Buying my first sex toy helped me better understand pleasure,” she confesses.
And she’s clearly not alone. Annual worldwide sex toy industry revenue is estimated at $15 billion. Approximately 44 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 60 have used a sex toy, and 50 percent were in their 20s when they first did. The market is so big, even Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss is looking to cash in on the interest. It is telling that by releasing her Bedroom Kandi line of sex toys — which come in female-friendly shapes such as tubes of lipstick — Burruss likely won’t alienate her large black female fan base.
But the more open sexual expression black women are experiencing through pleasure parties and sex toys might not be a sign that all is well in terms of our sexual expression.
“Black women enjoy shopping for sex toys just as much as any other group, but I see more solo-play instead of couple play when it comes to putting the toys to use,” Dr. Rachael Ross, MD, PhD, tells theGrio. Dr. Ross, a renowned African-American sex expert, has held pleasure parties at venues such as the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami, at which black women made up 100 percent of the attendance.
Dr. Ross cites these solo ventures into pleasure as reflective of the lack of honest communication many black women have with their partners.
“It’s the same lack of communication which contributes to the steady increase of HIV in black women. If you are having trouble negotiating condom use, asking ‘where you’ve been,’ or even performing oral on your partner, are you really going to ask to integrate a sex toy into the mix?,” she questions.
Nonetheless, Ross does encourage more black women to explore their sexualities, even if it is solo. While she agrees that we’re already attending sex workshops and pleasure parties, she encourages more women to jump into the fun.
“There is nothing morally, legally, or ethically wrong with exploring your sexuality. So don’t be afraid to try something new. Start off with something small like a mini-massager. Read or watch your favorite erotic work, place your mini-vibe on your clitoris, and sit back and enjoy,” Dr. Ross advises.
With the strong conservative and traditional values of the black Church — and the historical denial that revolves around sexual abuse, rape, and premature sexuality that occurs in many black homes — there’s a lot for black women to navigate while finding sexual empowerment. However, many are making strides to claim pleasure for themselves, with and without partners. It’s a healthy, ongoing revolution.
Black women are sensual, exploratory, and humanly sexual. Our participation in pleasure parties and the sharing of related experiences are just a few steps that can help us reclaim our nuanced sense of ourselves as full human beings.
“A black woman, indeed any woman or man, has the right to engage in healthy sexuality,” concludes Hines.
If you didn’t know, now you know.
Arielle Loren is the Editor-in-Chief of CORSET, the go-to magazine for all things sexuality. Download past issues on Orgasms and Nudity at corsetmagazine.com. Find her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter @ArielleLoren.