Domestic violence and violent incidences overall are on the rise in communities around the country and the world. And this is an extension of a violent culture at large.
It’s impossible to escape the endless reports of drug and gang related street killings. Those random shots fired into playgrounds missing the intended target, taking the life of innocent children, have sadly become a common occurrence. We watch in horror as citizens exercising their right to peaceful protest and freedom of speech get maced and struck with nightsticks. Ongoing talks of past wars and threats of new ones dominate the news. Violent movies, television programs and video games are as visible and accessible to young children as milk in the local supermarket. Many suggest that these outside influences are responsible for the sharp rise in all the violence we see today, but is it really?
Why is there so much violence taking place behind closed doors between couples whose relationships began on bright, loving high notes, then slowly or suddenly became dark and profoundly ugly? Angry words escalate to physical blows and far too often the use of lethal weapons cause tragic, unnecessary deaths.
We know the recent economic plunge is partly to blame — still, there is way more behind the rise in domestic violence than that obvious issue. Yes, young delicate children bear witness to their parents’ behavior, form their own opinions about how to interact with others when they grow up, and perpetuate the cycle. That is one additional cause.
Most of the time, there is no middle ground for them, no foundation for understanding how to communicate their own inner conflicts, or rationally accept another person’s point of view without becoming violent. Coupled with the fact that in the majority of cases the children themselves are brutalized by at least one parent in this type of environment, you can imagine that this passing down of abuse is the main source of violence in the home, leading to violence in other spheres of life.
But we must question whether these children are merely mimicking their parents as adults, or if something more difficult is simmering in our collective soul.
I believe that domestic violence is more linked to personal demons rising up to highjack self control, but these demons run deeper than just personal experience. I believe that the violence inflicted upon that spouse is inner rage brewing to a boil. The bottom line is: hurt people hurt other people. The truth is that violence, up close and personal, has been a part of American culture since Africans were brought here enslaved.
From the mutilation and emasculation of the black man whose shackles prevented him from being able to protect his wife from being raped by the plantation master, to today’s children who are beaten and sodomized by the people who are charged with their protection, violence has continually been part of the fabric of our country.
The psychological and emotional pain and the physical trauma from all of these circumstances is a part of our DNA. It gets passed down in many forms of violence, the deep wounds being inflicted again and again, generation after generation. Domestic violence is but one of the forms this passing down of abuse takes. This month, being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we must focus on this collective shackle and how to break it.
One way to truly reduce the crimes committed toward each other is to deal with the muted emotional distress being harbored within the mind and spirit carried deep within too many of us. If we are to understand the root causes of domestic violence we should turn to resources that speak to these issues. As a writer, I can speak to creative works that can help victims cope, and offenders see their way back to the light.
The documentary film, Boyhood Shadows: I Swore I’d Never Tell, produced by my dear friend Regina Kulik Scully, reveals the depth of lifelong pain felt by victims of abuse. Victims often abuse — if they don’t get help. Such a film sheds awareness on patterns of domestic violence and how to break them.
We can’t expect anyone who’s had to lie and cover up the trauma of a childhood experience of abuse and rape to have a normal healthy relationship as an adult anymore than we can expect a veteran returning from a war zone to conveniently settle back into some preconceived societal norm. Contemplating and hearing the right stories helps us all to understand that.
In the book Healthy Women Rock: How to Live the Life You Desire & Deserve, Lose Weight and Control Negative Thoughts, my colleague Madeline McCray shares her experience with domestic violence while compassionately making the case for her ex-husband’s humanity. Her tome shows that abuse can happen to anyone, and healing is needed by everyone.
We are, for the most part, born innocent creatures. Then life happens. Someone violates your body or your spirit — and you have no where to go with the pain. People aren’t getting the help they need. And the abuse cycle continues. There are countless other valuable works to help us better understand the cycle and how we can break it. We can’t name them all. Yet, one thing is for certain: left unchecked, parents and victims pass on those wounds, perpetuating an unnatural cycle of life. Domestic violence then becomes an entrenched reality, which deeply affects the black community more than any other group.
I strongly urge all of us who struggle with inner rage to seek the help needed. It is a blessing. And I encourage anyone who is in an abusive relationship to take the necessary steps to remove themselves and their children from that situation immediately. Get help –now — and heal.
The only thing to be gained from staying and suffering in silence, is more pain, and spiritual or physical death. This month we are all challenged to recognize domestic violence, call for an end to abuse, and repair the wounds in our psyches that perpetuate it, or allow our hearts to remain numb to this hell experienced by our fellow beings.
Terrie M. Williams is an award-winning author, public relations and branding expert, mental health advocate and woman on fire about spreading the message. Email her at tmwms@terriewilliams.com and follow her on twitter @TerrieWilliams.