Talking to children about unthinkable tragedies like the Sandy Hook shootings can be hard. TheGrio.com asked two clinical experts to weigh in on how parents can best discuss tragic events like the Newtown school shootings to their kids.
Dr. Jeff Gardere, psychologist and author:
After the shooting tragedy in Newtown, Ct. on Friday, even if your kids were not in that school, they will have many questions and concerns that you should address. Though your kids are not talking about it or seem oblivious, trust me they understand that children, just like them have been murdered.
They know that teachers and school administrators have been cut down, and that schools are not as safe as they once were. But most importantly they know this has been a horrific situation and it could happen to them. Their ideas and beliefs about schools being a safe haven have been forever destroyed in their minds. So you must talk to your kids about this school shooting tragedy. Here are some tips that may help.
- Ask the kids what they are thinking about the tragedy. Find out what questions they may have and then meet them at their knowledge base.
- Try to get your kids to speak more than you. You should be concerned as a parent to listen more than you talk.
- It’s okay to say to your kids that you don’t have all the answers. But be as reassuring as possible and figure out things together.
- You can use “appropriate” images of the tragedy as a jumping off point for conversations.
- For very young children, give those crayons and paper and just let them draw. Or give those dolls or actions figures and let them play. This is a healthy catharsis and will tell you what is on their mind.
- Don’t make your discussion a one and done. It has to be a series of conversations while doing things they enjoy, cooking, playing ball, watching TV, etc.
Remember, how you handle this tragedy emotionally and behaviorally will be a great lesson and modeling for how your kids deal with the tragedy and other troubling situations in the future.
Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble, psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University Medical Center:
This awful tragedy was devastating and heart wrenching for the families, friends and people around the world. Any senseless loss of life is difficult to witness, yet the loss of the life of a young child is particularly devastating.
It is during these times that many parents wonder how best to talk with their own children about such a horrible series of events, particularly given 24-hour news coverage which almost assuredly brings the details of this event into our homes, cars and electronic devices.
As a child and adolescent psychologist and a parent of elementary school-aged children, I too have struggled with how best to discuss these terrible events with my children. Along these lines, I want to share my own tips as well as those endorsed by the American Psychological Association (APA) for parents to consider in broaching the topic of the events at Sandy Hook Elementary School with their children.
Above all, I encourage parents to remember that they likely know their children best and that the following tips are merely guides to support parents in having what may be very difficult conversations.
- Limit the amount of news media coverage you allow your child to see or hear. It has been said that young children may not have the capacity to discern timelines and recognize that the events occurred in the past and instead may believe that the events are happening in real time.
- Consider your child’s age and developmental maturity when deciding what to share with your children. Try to find language that you believe your child will understand to help them have a context for sharing their worries, fears and concerns.
- Reassure your child of safety in your own home and with you as a parent. It may be helpful for you to remind your child of the types of strategies your family has in place in case of emergencies. For example, you might remind your child of why you lock your doors at home and in your vehicle when you are in them to demonstrate to them that you are aware of their need for safety and to reassure them that you as the parent are concerned about their well being.
- Ask your child to talk with you about what they know of the event and allow them space to express their feelings in an appropriate manner. In allowing them space to discuss what they know, not only will you gain an idea of which knowledge gaps you may need to fill, but you will reinforce the importance of expressing feelings. This is important for helping children develop awareness of their emotions and responses to scary and uncomfortable events.
- Be aware of significant changes in your child’s behavior and take action if you believe that the behaviors are seriously out of character for your child. Seek professional help if you must, as it is important to address these types of issues when they are in their early stages so that your child does not suffer needlessly.
- Be patient with yourself and your child. It may take a few days for your child to return to “equilibrium” emotionally and behaviorally. Given our children’s exposure to many people outside their families during the school day, it is possible that news surrounding the tragic event will be discussed. As a parent, it is important for you to remain calm and centered so that each time your child approaches you with a new question or concern related to the tragedy, you will have the capacity to be present with them and respond appropriately.
- Whatever your faith, you may find it helpful to rely on that faith’s teachings to help ease your child’s concerns about what happens to people when they die. If faith is a part of your household, you may also find it helpful for “de-stressing” with your child in a manner congruent with your family values.
Remember, these types of horrible tragedies impact us all in some way and it is important for us to take care of our loved ones and ourselves as best we can. You can refer to the American Psychological Association’s tips for helping your children manage distress in the aftermath of a shooting. I hope that you find this information helpful and know that you will join me in sending my thoughts and prayers to the victims and families of Newtown, CT.