After 8 years of marriage and three children, Valentine’s Day is not what it used to be – it’s better, richer, honest. More than a celebration of love; it’s a re-calibration of purpose. When I was a single woman that’s something I never thought I would say. Love is nothing without action and marriage can only thrive if both partners are dedicated to not only saying, “I love you,” but doing it – every, single day. That doesn’t mean rose petals and champagne; it means a willingness to love your partner even in the absence of romance, aligning your dreams with theirs and realizing that “forever” is not some abstract concept on a Valentine’s Day card but a day-to-day process that takes strength and patience.
In light of the fact that I went into marriage expecting moonbeams and stardust on Tuesdays, I decided to share with women out there who are considering marriage — because, let’s be honest, it’s not for everyone — a list of things I’ve learned as I continuously strive to be a better partner.
1. Being friends first is not a cliché.
If you are not friends with your spouse before you get married, you are in for a rude awakening. There will be days that romance is just not a high priority. That’s not a bad thing; it’s a life thing. You have to enjoy making each other laugh and you have to want to spend time with your partner outside of a bedroom, or a floor, or the bathtub – whatever floats your boat. If you don’t genuinely care about their well-being or sincerely like them as a person, your relationship will sink faster than the Titanic at the first iceberg life throws your way.
2. Your spouse is not an extension of you.
As lovely as it is for some to imagine that, upon marriage, you become one flesh, it’s not true. You don’t slip a ring on your finger and magically merge souls; you actually do remain individuals. Go figure. Because of this, you cannot call your partner “wrong” for not doing everything exactly the way that you would do it in the same situation. You cannot always think of them in relation to their proximity to you; instead, it’s best to remember that while you are an integral part of the sum total of their life’s experiences, your partner should enhance you (and vice versa), not complete you.
3. Children are a game-changer.
I remember when I was three days away from giving birth to our first son. I cried my eyes out, because I realized that everything was about to change. After my father wiped his tears – of laughter – away, he said, “It’s a little too late to be worried about that now!” But after I threw my pregnancy pillow at him, he said all-knowingly, “Now you’re going to see who you married.” [Insert Vincent Price laughter here.] I didn’t understand at the time, because we had been in a relationship for years. Of course, I knew who I had married, right? I mean, you don’t get pregnant doing the electric slide.
Wrong.
When our son was born, I realized that my love for my husband had a false bottom and I fell right through it and deeper in love than I thought possible. I watched him grapple with how to be a father and what manhood meant to him. I listened as he told me that he was scared, because he didn’t know how to be a father, because his had left before he transitioned from womb to world. Of course, I knew that, but when placed in the context of our own growing family, it carried new weight and importance. To see how loving, patient and interested he is in our sons as he tests out a bond that he didn’t know existed, and how serious he takes his role as their blueprint, has taken our marriage to a different level.
All this to say, children change everything. Once you begin the journey of raising a person with someone, their core becomes illuminated and you have to be prepared to respond accordingly to what you see.
4. Life happens; pay attention.
There will be sickness. There may be hardship. The children may take up 99.999 ¾ percent of your time, but you can never fail to take the time to connect with your partner on the level that made you want to marry them in the first place. If you don’t, then why are you married? Sometimes, without even noticing, we find ourselves getting complacent; so accustomed to having our partner around that we forget to feed our relationship. We can fall into the trap of mistaking habit for security. To paraphrase Jada Pinkett-Smith, if love isn’t growing, it’s dying. There is no neutral. Love doesn’t wait for you pay attention and the biggest mistake a couple can make is thinking that it’s a separate entity that can survive on its own. Don’t make that mistake.
5. Evolution is inevitable.
If you are experiencing life, you’re evolving – it’s impossible not to. You will not be the same person in your 20s as you are in your 30s, or your 40s, or your 50s. Be prepared for your partner to evolve as well. And if you want your marriage to succeed, understand that there will be pivotal moments of relearning and re-evaluation that shape how the relationship will continue. Change may seem frightening, but it’s real; embrace it. Appreciate your partner’s life journey as an individual and don’t neglect your own. There are not too many things that say “I love you” quite like “I love the person you’re becoming, I’m thankful you chose me to experience your life with, and I’m excited about what our future holds.”
So remember that although falling in love all over again on Valentine’s Day is sweet, it’s standing in love the other 364 days of the year that count. And if you’re considering getting married, go into it with your eyes wide open, because, I promise you, you won’t want to miss a thing.
Follow Kirsten West Savali on Twitter at @KWestSavali.