The topic of black love never gets old in the African-American community. Behind concerns over falling marriage rates and lamentations over the dearth of “marriageable” black men lurks the question of “what to do” to preserve the African-American family. Journalist Gil Robertson, IV takes an innovative approach to understanding the precarious state of black relationships in his latest anthology, Where Did Our Love Go: Love and Relationships in the African American Community. In his third book on black culture and society, Robertson presents a multifarious series of essays by African-Americans from many walks of life, and at various stages of relating. At times thought-provoking, but always uplifting, Where Did Our Love Go offers an insightful complement to the many relationship books that train readers to work within the status quo of black love without encouraging African-Americans to evolve beyond it.
TheGrio sat down with the author to learn more about how the black community might tackle the issue of more meaningfully relating.
theGrio: What inspired you to write Where Did Our Love Go: Love and Relationships in the African American Community?
Gil Robertson: To address the immense need. Black America has a problem in terms of the sustainability of our relationships, and so I wanted to explore that theme and some of the issues, and also work to find solutions to circumstances that are leading so many of us not to be able to find real, lasting love.
This is my third anthology that examines critical issues that impact the African-American community. The first one, [Not in My Family: AIDS in the African-American Community] addresses the AIDS situation. The last one, Family Affair: What it Means to be African American Today, addresses black identity.
Love is an evergreen topic. It’s definitely the ultimate hot button topic in the black community.
Your book contains stories about people at different stages of their love evolution: People who are trying to cope with being single, people who are newly married. Is it your hope that different kinds of readers will find themselves in this book, and through a sort of empathy with the different essayists, reflect on their own journey towards improving their relationships?
Absolutely, absolutely. I think you said it better than myself, and I’m going to have to take you on the road with me, bow out and listen. (Laughs.)
Certainly (Laughs)!
I mean, absolutely. The “Single” chapter — those essays speak to the aspiration of being married, and what that hopefully will represent in those people’s lives. The “Married” [chapter] represents accomplishment and how it feels to be on top of the hill, and to make it work. And of course the “Divorce” section offers the perspective of those who have done that. It’s bittersweet… [but] not written in any kind of distaste. Those essays offer readers a lot of pause and an opportunity for soul searching[.]
So as a collective, I think when you draw all three sections together, it takes you, as you said, through the evolution of a love relationship. And the contributors really came to the party with this one, a thing that I am so pleased about. This book has a healthy level of contributors who are professional journalists and writers, and they took a very thoughtful approach.
Can you describe how your book is different from other very popular books on black love by African-American male authors?
Let’s be very clear: Black people are not a monolith, and we come from different experiences, different backgrounds. I think to talk in a comprehensive way about any subject it’s necessary to have voices that represent various segments and perspectives within our community. That’s why the book represents a gathering of different people who are at different places in their lives, who are all equally concerned about the status of our love lives and who deliver thoughtful opinions and advice as to what can be done to correct the current course of things.
The book Is Marriage For White People? — another look at black, heterosexual relationships — became controversial by recommending that black women seek mates outside their race. Is there a similar surprising insight in your book?
That love is important. That all is not lost. People place a priority on having viable, productive relationships, they just don’t know how to love.
The black community has been burdened and beleaguered by so many different issues and themes throughout our experience here in America. Honestly, if you were to look at it, black love has always been under attack.
Obviously during the institution of slavery it was illegal for couples to come together legally. Traditionally marriage was… really a way for individuals to solidify their place, standing on wealth, in a particular community. So obviously, starting from that model, a black man and woman coming out of slavery were starting at the bottom. There were no assets to be exchanged or shared.
So it’s been a challenge. But the one prevailing theme is that black marriages — and the institution of marriage as something that society overall recognizes is important — the black community embraces that. Marriage as an institution is literally the centerpiece for love, not only the love that holds the family together, but also the community and society in general.
So the big takeaway is the fight isn’t over and that people are determined to try their best to hopefully find mates.
What do you think of the fact that in America in general people are getting married less and less? Do you think it’s possible that, much as in other areas where blacks have been culturally ahead of the times, the rest of society is just following this trend of marriage as an institution that is dying?
I know what you’re saying and you’re right. Very often black people are trend setters, but I think it would be delusional to think that one can take the journey through life, to navigate all of its ups and downs, successfully, [alone]. I think that two is better than one. I’m certainly not saying there’s anything wrong with being single, but I just honestly believe, as someone who’s in their 40s who hasn’t been married, that it’s something that I certainly need and welcome, because I can see the benefits.
Particularly if there are children involved, the benefits of having two parents in the home are incontestable. I think we need that more. I don’t think that this is going to be one that we’re going to set the trend for.
Describe one of your favorite stories from the book that you think best underscores the importance of marriage and partnering.
There are 45, 50 million black people in this country. I think I did a good job finding individuals who could represent the thought processes, the perspectives, and the lifestyles of a lot of those people.
Amy Elisa Keith writes a very good piece about growing up in a broken family. Her parents got a divorce, her grandparents on both sides of her family were divorced, but there was still a family unit nevertheless. Both parents were active and involved in [her life]. Now she’s on course to get married, so she’s questioning — “that hasn’t been my experience, witnessing a successful relationship. I have concerns.”
Melody Guy wrote a piece about, “the key,” and what that key represents in everybody’s relationship. Usually that’s the beginning of something, when the couple exchanges keys.
[Radio news anchor] Veronica Waters… you know what she talks about? “I love the brothers, you know, but, I’m getting to a point in my life where maybe I need to start looking outside the racial box and start looking at other groups of people, other ethnicities.”
That’s just the “Single” section alone.
As we go into “Married,” Anthony Hamilton, R&B recording superstar, writes a great piece about seeing the big picture. Sure, there are a lot of opportunities out there to score, but the big picture is what we just talked about a minute ago: Really wanting to have a family, really wanting to be rooted, really wanting to lay a foundation for your life, and for your legacy.
Rhonda Freeman Baraka, brilliant journalist turned successful screenwriter, wrote a great piece about her 25-plus year relationship with her husband and how it takes work.
Going into the “Divorce” section, Tia Williams wrote a great piece about finding love in a hopeless place. It was written with a very humorous perspective that I think readers are going to enjoy.
How did you come up with the title Where Did Our Love Go?
It makes sense. I mean, where did our love go? I grew up in a black community where I was surrounded by love, and my parents really just enveloped my brother and I with this sense, and the confidence, that we were loved.
As I grew older into adult life, the question just kept coming up. What’s going on with us? Because this isn’t who we are. Why are we walking around so angry with each other? Black men and women — why can’t we find a way to [love]?
When I look at my white friends, they’re all married. But, then I look at my black friends — the majority of them aren’t. I think that something’s going on here. Something is perverting, is causing a bad roadblock. That’s preventing us from being able to connect, and you start to see the effects of that. You start to see the effects of that lack of engagement, when you take an honest look at our communities. Our community’s been falling apart.
And then you see the numbers. Seventy-two percent of these families are headed by single parents. That must be a contributing factor. So, yeah: Where did the love go?
Do you think, as much as people will be prompted towards individual reflection by your book, there are any easy answers? Are people looking for easy answers in relationship books?
Well, you know, we’re starting our book tour. We’re going to St. Louis in a few weeks, and we’ll be travelling to L.A., Chicago, and Detroit. We’re doing a date in Atlanta on the 15th of May. We’re going to have real life, town hall meetings where we are inviting the public in to have this conversation, and find the key that unlocks the door to the answer of this problem.
After editing three books on black folks, I think the answer to our many problems is quite simple. It is important for us as people, as individuals and as a collective, to find our purpose — really understanding your purpose, because when you understand your purpose, everything else, I believe, opens up for you. Finding your purpose is akin to finding your lane in life. I know where I’m going, or at least, I know where I want to go. So now let me find someone who shares similar values, and similar ambitions.
I think that we need to learn in the black community to forgive — forgive each other and forgive ourselves. I think that we really say that a lot, but we really need to put that into action, and that when we forgive, to really put that behind us. I’m not saying forget, because that would be silly, but I’m saying lock it in a place, and kind of lose the key, you know?
And then finally, I think we really need to examine how we feel about ourselves. I think that a lot of black folks suffer from severe issues regarding their own self-worth, and I think that we need to be honest with that. You have to like yourself first, and you have to value yourself. Because when you value yourself, and when you strive to be a healthy individual, you strive to identify people who are going to bring more of that spirit, that energy, that direction into your life.
I know that they’re not as simple as they sound, but I think that we need to become more committed to moving in that direction of those three takeaways.
Is there anything else you want theGrio readership to know?
We recognize that we didn’t get everybody, so we definitely want those voices that are out there to become part of the conversation by joining us on Twitter at @WhereDidRLoveGo , that’s [with] the letter “r,” and also on Facebook at BlackLoveIsForever. The website is Wheredidrlovego.com, again with the letter “r.”
We all know why it’s not “our” — because everything with “our” is of course going to direct you to The Supremes.
This conversation has been edited for clarity.
Follow Alexis Garrett Stodghill on Twitter at @lexisb.