Father’s Day can be tough for some guys. Those guys wonder if the mother of their child will make sure you get the card, the time, maybe just the phone-call you’ve got coming as their child. Being one of those guys often makes it difficult to be fully engaged as a father.
Some of those guys don’t always get any recognition on Father’s Day, and that is as it should be. They, in fact, are not good fathers — they are professional inseminators, impregnating unwitting (or are they?) women for the hell of it.
I’m not talking about those dudes. I’m talking about men with good intentions who get demoted by the implosion of a failed or dysfunctional relationship, whose presence is mostly undesirable, but wholly necessary.
That’s right, ladies. You know that guy — I’m talking about your baby daddy.
Baby daddies vs. Fathers
Every child may not have a father — they may have a baby daddy. Some fathers are baby daddies and don’t even know it — they don’t know the difference between a baby daddy and a father. Most people don’t.
As it was explained to me in the late ’80s, being a baby daddy wasn’t a demotion. Rather, the term acted as a signifier, a point of clarity to explicitly outline the complicated nature of a woman’s multiple relationships.
Later, while I was reporting on another story, it was confirmed to me — I saw it first-hand. It wasn’t/isn’t uncommon for some Caribbean women to have a “dude” (lover, strictly sexual), a boyfriend (lover, supplemental benefactor), a husband (lover, regulator, primary benefactor, head of household) and a baby daddy, whose rights, responsibilities and permissions were fluid, per the woman’s prerogative.
The men understand and abide by these rules of polyamory, until they terminate these ambiguous situations in any number of ways.
We think of men as being the central character in these kinds of relationships traditionally, so perhaps this requires some suspension of belief. But if you listen closely to the lyrics of the song that brought the term “baby daddy” into the lexicon, it’s clear: the woman has the most power in the discourse. The “baby daddy’s” role is whatever she says it is, which she very pointedly does not outline in the song, despite the persistence of T-Bird (the rapper of this seminal song) and his plaintive inquiry to find out who that strange man is.
Are you regulated to being “this guy”?
In popular usage these days, we can argue about whether the term itself is pejorative, but there is certainly nothing familial or comedic about it. It’s a phrase that says, “this guy”? “This guy” has done nothing good, something wrong, or something not quite right enough and is not worthy of an honorable form of address. His station is not befitting any honorific whereby he could be confused for anyone respectable. Often, he is not even called by his name. He has to get his own plate at family functions, if he is ever invited, which he pointedly is most often not.
Also, “this guy” hasn’t taken responsibility for his lot by meeting the mother of his child in court, where his rights, role and responsibilities can be outlined in writing, and secured and overseen by an (ostensibly) objective arbiter. Only ex-husbands are given custody rights (normally folded into divorce decrees). I know you think you got something, but a signature on the birth certificate only designates you as the obligor, my dude. It imparts no legal right to see the child, or to be included in decision-making and its upbringing.
The mother can take your money and ignore your parental input. The child can’t take your phone call without the mother’s say-so. All that has to be established by a judge. Any parenting relationship where one party can grant or withdraw permissions or access, or refuse contact, contributions or consort at will is not in the best interest of the child.
Upgrade yourself from baby daddy to real dad
Fathers have the same rights as the mothers of their children. If you need permission to see your kid, you are a baby daddy, living in a world of hurt. And you won’t know it until it goes bad, which it inevitably will.
The Johnny Appleseeds? The guys who have 10 pairs of classic Jordans, but won’t pay for a lawyer to institute child support and secure their rights? The rubes who pay support out of pocket — or don’t — and just play parent as much as the mother will allow them, until they just give up?
Those are baby daddies.
Baby daddies half-a**, beg, plead, struggle or give up on trying. Fathers don’t have to ask. They whole-ass it and lawyer-up, for the good of the child. Then, they co-parent and establish partnerships with the mothers that matter, that function, that are crucial and necessary.
Know the difference. Don’t be a baby-daddy. Be a father to your child.
jimi izrael is a writer and journalist from East Cleveland, Ohio. He is the author of The Denzel Principle, released on St. Martin’s Press. His opinion has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Salon.com, Philadelphia Inquirer, Chicago Tribune, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, American Spectator, Jezebel.com, The Plain Dealer, and elsewhere. Currently, he moderates “The Barbershop” for National Public Radio’s Tell Me More with Michel Martin.