Here is a true story from what I call my “Bizarre and Ridiculous Adventures With My Biracial Children.”
When my son was just a baby, we were living in Rome. (My husband is Italian.) As I sat nursing tiny J in the lush splendor of the botanical gardens, an older woman approached. She looked at me, looked down at my son and asked, “E’ tuo?” (Is he yours?) What did she think I was? Some kind of wet-nurse? I snapped back, indignantly, “Certainly he’s mine!” Every parent of a biracial child has at least one whopper of a story—even as America’s population is fast becoming increasingly more multiracial.
According to Census data, the population of multiracial children in the United States has grown from approximately 500,000 in 1970 to more than 6.8 million in 2000. The number of people of all ages who identified themselves as both white and black has soared by 134 percent since 2000 to 1.8 million people.
Yet, despite these statistics, the controversy surrounding mixed race families is still alive and kicking. When an innocent ad for Cheerios raised ire among blacks and whites alike, it was a sign that we have a long way to go towards accepting what is a powerful trend. Many people decried the commercial, which featured a biracial daughter of a black male, white female couple, while others created media in reaction to the backlash to show their support for the growing number of interracial families.
The black community may also need to become more flexible in its definition of “blackness” as time goes on and biracial and multiracial people make up more and more of what could become a flexible, mutable African-American identity.
Multicultural families educate through patience
Sebastian A. Jones, co-author of the just-released children’s book I Am Mixed, is himself an exotic blend of English, Indian, Portuguese, Dutch, African, Irish and the blood lines of several more nationalities. Raised in England, he now resides in the United States. Growing up overseas, Jones was taught to answer nosy questions about his heritage, “quickly, with fists. I thought that was the way, but you can’t now; and that’s not what I teach my son,” he said.
“I teach him to remain positive,” Jones continued about his child, whose mother is Peruvian and Cuban. “When people ask, we tell our child to say this, ‘I am a happy mix of Cuban, Peruvian, English, Indian and black.’ People can be ignorant, but you can remain positive, and see it as a chance to enlighten and educate, and for those who don’t want to, they will remain ignorant, so just keep it moving.”
Actress Garcelle Beauvais, also the co-author of I Am Mixed, is the mother of three sons, two of whom are biracial. “I always try to come from a place of joy,” Beauvais told theGrio. “When I meet someone like that, I view it as a chance for me to enlighten them. For instance, since my son Jaid is lighter then Jax, I often get asked if they are both mine. I don’t take offense to it. I use the question to open a conversation about how unique each mixed child is and how they can take both sides of the parents.”
Dr. Jeffrey Gardere, assistant professor of Behavioral Medicine at the Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine in New York City, said that such comments should definitely be met with patience — especially if they come from within one’s extended family. “For family members who make cutting comments, or even make stupid comments such as, ‘this child has good hair, or pretty skin,’ we should gently correct them with the proper terminology. But whatever we do, we should not make a big deal of the situation.”
As more African-American women are considering marrying outside their race than ever, and 25 percent of black men married interracially in 2010, issues relating to how their children will be treated and perceived are paramount.
What does raising a biracial child mean now?
“It certainly is much easier raising a biracial child today versus several years ago,” Dr. Gardere continued. “Back then the issue was that a biracial child, if he or she were part black, was still considered to be ‘black’ by identity. However, being biracial these days there is more of a struggle and a legitimacy to being considered ‘other.’ For the child, that means being a race that is a combination of the parents, but that does not fit any existing category other than the ‘other.’ The issue in their mind is how do they fit into a race called ‘other.’”
Suzanne, an African-American independent bookkeeper, whose daughter Olivia is biracial, agrees that times have changed. Yet to her, things are more comfortable for mixed race children than ever.
“I think it’s very different today than, say 40 years ago. Being biracial is less of an oddity,” she said. “It doesn’t feel as necessary to identify with one group or the other. I remember, many moons ago, when biracial kids often complained about being ostracized by both white and black groups. Olivia has always mixed comfortably with both, and I’ve seen many other biracial kids mix comfortably with both. Maybe living in New York City has colored my opinion. There’s such diversity here. I think racially mixed children will become more the norm as America continues to grow.”
Ann Marie, a white attorney who lives in Manhattan with her black husband Vince and three sons, ages 16, 12 and 10, sees things a differently.
“It is still an issue raising a biracial child in America,” she told theGrio. “Things have only changed so much in this country. A biracial child, especially one who is half African-American, is still black in America. But they are also subjected to the further prejudices of being the child of a mixed race union. These prejudices are still alive and well and it takes a lot of work to protect children from the nuances of this prejudice.”
Jason, a white man married to a black woman with a biracial son, added that one of the most fearful aspects of raising a child of color is determining how can we can keep them safe, particularly young men of color who are also biracial.
“It’s an interesting moment to consider issues of raising a biracial son…” the Urbana, Ill. native told theGrio, referring to the many shooting deaths involving young, black teen men that have made national headlines.
Issues such as racial profiling, gun violence and Stand Your Ground raised in the aftermath of these cases have led Jason to state, “I believe raising a biracial child in America unfortunately remains an issue.”
I would certainly agree. Telling my lovely and peaceful son that he might be perceived as a threat by others, and having to recite for him the “if-a-cop-stops-you-make-sure-they-can-see-your-hands-at-all-times” black mother mantra, was one of the most painful lessons that I had to teach him.
Society must adapt to a multiracial reality
Sometimes, it’s the very people and institutions we expect to be accepting of multiracial families that are ill-prepared for the changing tides.
Suzanne recalls touring what is known as a very progressive school on Manhattan’s Upper West Side with her daughter. “The parents were brought on a tour of the school. I was taken aback when the teacher of the class came to collect the children and she called Olivia’s name. I raised my hand and she approached us and immediately started speaking to Olivia. She never addressed me directly, no eye contact. I was a little confused but I thought, ‘OK, maybe they try to make it all about the child,’ but it seemed a little rude.”
It turns out, this treatment was not all in her head.
“Well, when I returned several weeks later for my interview, the director of admissions asked if I wanted to take a tour,” Suzanne continued. “I told her I already had the tour. She was a little confused. She told me according to Olivia’s file, she attended the first session with a nanny. No, I told her, that would have been me. ‘Oh! ,’ she said. ‘We’re usually very good about things like that!’ Things like what, I wondered, ignorance? My point being, granted, there is a big difference in our skin colors, but I could have easily been a friend, a relative or a godparent. Why did they jump to the conclusion that I was hired help?”
It is sometimes difficult not to feel angry in these moments, at least for some of us. How will relatives, society, and our community institutions cope when our biracial and multiracial children will no longer neatly fit in any one box?
Stop putting biracial kids in a box
One of my friends, a white woman with a biracial son, told me that when her son was young, people would constantly approach her and ask, “What is he?” Annoyed, she would snap back, “He’s a little boy!” Many people are eager to put others in a box to find out where they belong, but for the identity of a mixed race child, that can mean many things.
“I don’t believe we need to ask our children what race they are,” Dr. Gardere commented. “The children will understand and develop their own ideas in time as they mature and develop. They must make the choice as to what their identification will be. Before a child can psychologically see themselves as mixed or ‘other,’ there must first be an identification with the race of one or both parents in order to form a healthy ego. Once that has been established then the child can begin to explore what a new or different identity might be.”
Elena Cunningham of Georgia, is a paralegal and blogger for her site Caramel Curlz and Swirls. As a Honduran, she is married to an African-American man with whom she has two young children, ages six and four.
Cunningham shared a painful moment in her son’s identity development process.
“Our six year old son Billy struggled with his identity as soon as he entered kindergarten,” she told theGrio. “Billy came home one day and told his father that he did not want to be ‘brown’ like him, he wants to be ‘white’ like mommy. That very short statement hurt not only my feelings, but it hurt his father’s feelings deeply. We came to a conclusion that the way he was being treated at school had to do a lot with his statement. As parents we talked to him and purchased a few books about how all shades of black are beautiful and how everyone is unique. We explained to him that he is a mixture of Mommy and Daddy, which makes him unique. Unfortunately, we live in a world that is far from color-blind, and we cannot shield our children forever. It is best to talk to them openly.”
Biracial and multiracial kids: Growing up happy
Dr. Gardere addressed this point, stating that while coping with challenges posed by society about one’s identity, many mixed race children come to feel positively about who they are.
“In my experience as a psychologist, the majority of biracial children appreciate and celebrate their mixed race heritage,” he explained. “As they get older and experience the world, they begin to pull away from the ‘other’ category or mixed race category, and identify with the struggles, beauty and pride of the race and/or culture of one, or both, of their parents. Interestingly enough, the race or culture that faces the most adversity is the one that they will embrace the most as they get older.”
Of his half black, half Italian status, my son, who is now twenty said, “You grow up a little differently and have more questions, especially when you are a little kid. At some point you notice that most people’s parents are the same ethnicity, and in very rare instances I have been called a n***er by whites, or white boy by black people.”
However, now he says he feels that his heritage gives him bragging rights.
“When people find out what I am, they tend to think it is exotic and pretty cool to be both,” he related. “I like to celebrate both of my cultures, I’m proud to have been born in Italy, but I am also proud of my black, Caribbean roots. I have fun explaining it to people and blowing their minds when I speak Italian!”
At 13, my daughter feels she has yet to face any head on racism. “I’m not all that surprised when I get seemingly innocent questions like ‘can I touch your hair?,’ ‘what are you?,’ etc. I have to remind myself that most people are just curious. It’s rare when I hear more offensive comments. It takes me aback and I forget that that kind of stuff still happens. But, I’m so proud of both. I‘m definitely comfortable in my own skin,” she told theGrio.
As time marches forward, more blacks and the American community at large will need to learn to accept these children as both black and biracial or multiracial, if that is how these individuals choose to be seen.
Suzanne Rust is a writer, lifestyle expert, on-air talent, and a native New Yorker. Follow her on Twitter at @SuzanneRust.
This article has been updated to include the percentage of black men who married interracially in 2010.