Empire’s two-hour, drama-filled season finale was Wednesday night, but we’re still thinking about it. Whatever you think should be in a night-time soap opera, that’s what the writers threw into the mix. Between the two episodes, there was sex, murder, attempted murder, fights, betrayal, a friggin’ ghost and for good measure, guest appearances from Juicy J, Snoop, Patti LaBelle and Rita Ora.

There were numerous revelations, not the least of which being that Lucious is NOT dying. Apparently, he was misdiagnosed with ALS, and he actually has a serious but not fatal condition. Nobody is happy about this, except Lucious and maybe Jamal. But that juicy new fact was nothing compared to all of the other drama brewing in the finale. Every other scene was an “Ooooooh” moment, but I’ve managed to round up five scenes that had me clutching my imaginary pearls.

Cookie vs Boo Boo Kitty Cat Fight

We’re all sick of seeing women (especially Black women) fight each other on reality television, but this fight here? Yes. This fight was a whole lot of “yes.” It was one of those deeply satisfying fictional cat fights. Empire fans have been waiting all season for Cookie to finally dig her immaculately manicured claws into Boo Boo Kitty’s neck. A weave was snatched, punches were thrown, pearls were scattered and a pool table became a wrestling mat. Warms your heart like a good old-fashioned Dynasty throw-down. Cookie definitely won, but the smug debutante held her own. Maybe she learned a few moves in boarding school.

Jamal’s Rap Battle

Oh, Jamal. Mally Mal. Some incredibly whack rapper named Black Rambo made a big stink at Empire’s press conference, calling Jamal everything but the f-word. Apparently, Black Rambo didn’t appreciate being on a label that had a gay guy in a leadership position, and he made it clear that he would be leaving the label and encouraged all the other hip hop artists to follow suit. Jamal was going to square up to the dude at the press conference in front of cameras, but instead, he found Black Rambo at some dark (probably stinky) club and he “battled” him on stage. Black Rambo used his atrocious rap “skills” and got a good crowd reaction. Jamal decided to sing to the dude with lots of pointed hand gestures. He ended by singing the word “bitch” in a nice, breezy falsetto. He dropped the mic, the crowd went wild, and for some reason, people found it acceptable to sing in a rap battle. I love you, Jamal, but no.

The White Girl with the Candlestick

You don’t know Andre’s wife’s name, so we’ll just deal with that. Anyway, Empire took it back to the days of playing Clue and hit us with a candlestick murder! Andre and Vernon were brawling one on one, when Vernon bested Andre for a moment and was punching Andre as he sat on top of him. Andre’s wife came in and clocked Vernon in the head with a candlestick. A thick pool of blood formed around Vernon’s lifeless body, and that was that. Oh, and she’s pregnant. Lucious will be thrilled.

Anika is Smashing Hakeem

Lucious laid hands on Hakeem after Hakeem publicly embarrassed him, so the youngest Lyon laid hands on pop’s ex Anika. Of course, it was a different type of laying hands. As Jamal dangled Baretti over a balcony, Lucious stumbled upon Hakeem having sex with Anika. But the craziest part was Hakeem and Anika kept going AFTER they saw Lucious. Like, they didn’t skip a stroke. Woah.

Cookie Tried to Kill Lucious 

Lucious is one ruthless son of a bitch, but if we’ve learned anything this season, it’s that Cookie has just as much heart as he does. Lucious was talking in his sleep to the ghost of Bunky, Cookie’s cousin, who he murdered in the first episode. He confessed to the murder while Cookie happened to be standing there. Hearing that he killed her favorite cousin sent Cookie over the edge (again). She took a pillow to his face and seemed pretty determined to finally kill Lucious, but the old man grabbed her wrist and dropped back off to sleep. That murderous moment might have just been something for Cookie to know keep to herself, but Lucious reviewed the security tapes and saw her trying to smother him. “Checkmate, bitch” was the kindly phrase he used when he showed the footage to her and Jamal. Ah well. Next time, Cookie. Next time.

The finale ended with Lucious being arrested for Bunky’s murder while Andre and Hakeem smirked at their hostile take-over plan in action. That’s quite a cliff hanger for season two.