Failing up is a skill normally reserved for the burnout sons of white judges, yet, somehow, everyone’s least favorite big cousin, Omarosa Manigault, has managed to pick up the talent.
She finessed a fledgling political career in the ’90s, into appearances on The Apprentice and eventually a White House position, as the Jill to Ben Carson’s Jack-of-token-negroes. In a major plot twist, the Trump administration gave Black Americans a case of guilt-ridden catharsis after they fired Omarosa.
Undaunted, Omarosa has bounced back by joining the speaking roster of the American Program Bureau at potentially $50,000 a pop. Doing speaking gigs for sycophants at odd conferences may be a good look for the other “O,” but there’s at least a few other, non-traditional forms of employment Omarosa is qualified for.
Professional shade thrower
Omarosa has made a career of maximizing her apparently nebulous moral center, however, the cloud of controversy that surrounds her has produced bountifully hilarious shade. Her affected manner of speaking leads you to believe she’s in on the joke that is her persona, which provides a little extra humor to her off color barbs. She was quickly cast as The Apprentice’s villain, eventually leading to some on-air Beef Wellington with Piers Morgan during the show’s celebrity edition.
In 2008, Omarosa delivered her shady piece de resistance when she met Wendy Williams in a messy battle of equals while promoting her book, “The Bitch Switch: Knowing How to Turn It on and Off.” The switch was on and her technique was masterful, starting with the warning shot: “I know how to chill, but I will not be disrespected.” She dodged all of Wendy’s fiercest attacks before landing a savage blow that suggested Wendy’s wig “sits off her head three inches.”
Bars that vicious could easily make it Off-Broadway.
Commander-in-Spin
She never gets GOT. Even in Trump’s White House, she was ambiguous and tiptoed around the issues. Omarosa managed to eurostep her way past feelings of guilt or shame by maintaining a philosophy of telling your own narrative, which is a critical public relations skill.
She’s a fixer with two simple tools: Duct tape and an imagination. If the situation is broken, just say it isn’t, and everything is copacetic. Upon her latest firing, Omarosa unleashed her spin skills in a battle of the bullshit titans with the Trump administration. They say she was “dragged” out. In an interview, she claims, she left under her own power, and that there was underlying jealousy because of her personal relationship with Trump. In the Omarosa PR handbook, the more “He said, she said” the better the book deal.
HerbaLife Member
There is a particular type of aura one needs to hawk products like Herbalife or Mary Kay. It’s an effusive combination of having an entrepreneurial spirit combined with a willingness to exploit your close friends, family, and the greater community. Omarosa has shown her business savvy on multiple Apprentice stints and her sheer misunderstanding of optics by clinging to the Trump brand for nearly 15 years. Only someone that brazen could be willing to cut into their aunt’s prescription budget in exchange for a discount on a quick weight loss program.
Megachurch Pastor
If you didn’t know, Omarosa was ordained as a baptist minister in 2012. There isn’t much evidence that finding a greater passion for her faith fundamentally changed the Omarosa we’ve come to know and tolerate, but her current husband, John Newman, is also a pastor.
If there was ever a job that combined a lifetime of finessing with religion, it’s the honorable position of Megachurch pastor. Omarosa could easily bolster her speaking and writing career by joining her husband at his Jacksonville church and expanding her hat collection. She even has the perfect pastor’s narrative on her side. “A reformed career woman known for her attitude, shepherds a southern church alongside her husband,” is a layup pitch for a potential TBN show.
Habitual Line Stepper
The late Charlie Murphy deemed funk legend Rick James the original Habitual Line Stepper, but Omarosa could put a pleasant feminine twist on the face of transgression. Showing up at NABJ during the midst of the Trump era? Probably not a good look. Bringing the entirety of your wedding party to do a photoshoot in the White House? A bit beyond acceptable.
However, if you read between the lines, there’s monetization potential here. Omarosa’s talent could be easily used for good. If you need to put your boss, spouse, or even your children on notice, give Omarosa’s Line Stepping Agency a call, and she’ll develop a personalized plan to come in to the office late and take obnoxious phone calls in the hallway.
Martha’s Vineyard Travel Agent
Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts, is an idyllic town located on Martha’s Vineyard, and the only town on the island to allow Black guests before the 1960s. Wouldn’t that spiel sound great coming from Omarosa’s mouth? After years of extending the timer on her 15 minutes of fame, Omarosa could settle into a position that allows you to understand her social climbing experience.
Omarosa’s Vineyard Vacations plans trips to the vacation spots of the Black elites by allowing in the unvetted and unqualified into places they have no business being. The veneer of status associated with the brand would make OVV the perfect choice for bougie college students with refund checks.
Elite Singles Spokeswoman
When Omarosa first broke onto the scene, she introduced herself with a bit of aplomb as “Omarosa Manigault – Stallworth.” Although, that marriage obviously ended on a sour note, as evidenced by her ex-husband Aaron Stallworth gleefully posting Kermit memes after news of Omarosa’s firing broke, “The other O” has had plenty of success in the dating game.
She was dating actor Michael Clarke Duncan before his tragic death and is currently happily married to Pastor Newman. Omarosa could easily take her talent of pairing with high status men and become a spokesman for Elite Singles. With Omarosa as its face, Elite Singles could help even more people find love with people who think too highly of themselves.