For the last two days I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been rocking back and forth in agony, sipping on Lemonade (pun intended) and listening to Pretty Hurts on heavy rotation. I’ve been steadily trying to figure out the mystery behind #WhoBitBey. Who is the face-biting hussy who hurt Beyonce, my best friend (in my head.)
After Tiffany Haddish let the cat out the bag, #WhoBitBeyonce gate broke and everyone has been trying to figure out what exactly happened at that industry party.
As any true member of the BeyHive, I snatched off my wig and put on my Nancy Drew, super sleuth cap. I am on a mission to snatch edges and false eyelashes to find out who it may be. I’ve whittled the list of potential suspects down to some suspicious ladies who, in one way or another, have positioned themselves to come for the Queen’s crown.
READ MORE: Is Tiffany Haddish breaking the “sista code” by talking about wild night?
Stacey Dash
Something tells me Stacey Dash is still big mad that Jay-Z cut Rockafella ties with her cousin Dame Dash. We all know how important family values are to her…these days. Payback is definitely in Stacey’s line of fire. She’s had it out for Bey and Jay for a while now. And biting Beyonce would have been a sure-fire way to keep people talking about the captain of “Team Clueless.”
Lena Dunham
Of course! It makes all the sense in the world that Lena Dunham would do something this trifling, but alas, she already got in front of the accusations declaring her innocence by tweeting, “As the patron saint of ‘She would do that’…I didn’t.” So what! We still don’t believe so Lena, stop lying. You are the epitome of white girl wasted who would jump on the bar and do a River Dance until you passed out and wouldn’t remember one thing from the night before. WE can definitely picture you feeling like a cool girl invited to the hottest soiree in the city, approaching Bey like y’all go way back. And then went Bey gave you some push-back, you bit her out of hurt feelings.
Amy Schumer
Hot mess in a handbasket. Amy Schumer is a troublemaker and she definitely fits the profile of a biting suspect. Remember she did that Formation Deflation parody video bringing a firestorm on social media? Schumer is clearly jealous that she can’t be Bey and even when she tried it, she got stung by the BeyHive, putting her on the defense. She’s never let that go, y’all. Schumer had one shot when she saw Bey at that party and my guess is, she took it – an infamous bite to get over being so bitter!
Dame Judi Dench
Don’t sleep on the Dame. Judi Dench is a saucy British chick and a seven time Academy Award nominee who clearly likes chocolate, so why wouldn’t she like to take a bite out of Beyonce? You may be asking how do I know she likes chocolate? Hello! She played in a movie called Chocolat in 2000! See, it all makes sense. And then in 2006, she starred in a movie called Notes On a Scandal, so she knows just how to orchestrate a mess. Honestly, who’s to say she hasn’t been taking notes and setting this up for years! We got eyes on you, Judi!
Meryl Streep
Meryl, you think you are so slick, sliding up to Bey and fixing your mouth to take a chomp. Let me find out! I knew something wasn’t quite right at the Oscars when Tiffany Haddish jumped over a rope on the red carpet to get next to you. Exactly, what did she whisper in your ear? I bet Tiff tried to work something out on the back end before letting the world know exactly what you did. Was the deal that she would keep your little secret if you sign on to play her adopted mother in a movie? The crumbs are there and the bite-trail leads straight to your pursed lips.
Grio fam, I’m exhausted from this extensive investigation. Feel free to help me solve this mystery by adding to this list. Help a sista once and for all get to the bottom of #WhoBitBeyonce.