How to clap back at BS theories from pathetic Bill Cosby apologists

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Normally, I try to keep things light and airy in this space. But I’m not writing hyperbolically when I suggest that anyone out here nakedly defending Bill Cosby against a half-century worth of sexual assault allegations consider ingesting a nice bleach cocktail. No chaser.

It’s been a hell of a week in which we’ve had to wrestle with the distinct possibility that our living entertainment legends are actually trash-ass human beings (I’m really having trouble with my favorite rapper joining this list). But I dismissed Cosby a couple years and several dozen allegations ago – something many of you goons refuse to do because he was your favorite television dad on a show that’s aged horribly.

I can’t for a second tolerate the level of cognitive dissonance and mental gymnastics required to defend a man who is finally getting what’s coming to him after a string of criminal transgressions that started before some of your parents were even born. You need only crack open any social media feed to see a bunch of lemmings suggest that a man who admitted in a sworn f—ing deposition to drugging and raping women is actually innocent. It’s like watching all the white women who voted for Donald Trump…only it’s us! 

Cosby was about to buy NBC

Perhaps the most fatuous and prevailing of those narratives is that Dee White Man was trying to take Cosby down for attempting to purchase NBC, which happened when Arsenio Hall was still popping and rayon patterned shirts were in style.

I don’t think ppl realize Bill Cosby was in the middle of purchasing a whole broadcasting company (NBC) RIGHT before these allegations surfaced..imagine a black owned broadcasting company opening doors for a ton of upcoming black entertainers. I’m not saying he innocent but damn

— Naya (@7for_Omankind) April 27, 2018

Dude’s career was finally ruined when he was in the process of trying to squeeze in a few more stand-up routines before his septuagenarian ass was no longer able to hold his bladder for a full set. I guess the Illuminati has a two-plus-decade backlog before they can get around to dealing with shit.

The whole thing blew up in conventional viral media fashion: Andrea Constand accused Cosby of drugging and raping her back in 2004; she filed charges and sued him in 2005, but it didn’t grow legs despite a dozen other women making similar claims. It took Hannibal Burress, a male comedian, to make a casual reference in his routine to Cosby being a rapist nine years later for Constand’s claim to gain traction in the general public.

So no, Cosby was not about to buy NBC. It’s just that one man had to talk about it before anybody took seriously the allegations from multiple women.

Now that Cosby has been found guilty, I’d like @hannibalburess to tell some jokes about the people behind the 2008 financial collapse.

— Heather Anne Campbell (@heathercampbell) April 26, 2018

The white womenz got together and set up Cosby

There’s also the suggestion that some unseen hand organized more than five dozen women to come together and make up a whole bunch of ridiculously specific yet very similar stories. Are all these grandmas looking for television and book deals? Swimsuit calendars, perhaps? I can’t even organize my boys in the same city to get to the same brunch spot at the same damn time.

Its interesting that the media keeps focusing on the Cuban Cosby accuser who apparently was told to wear her hair in more “Black” styles to show clips of. This is to give the illusion that this verdict was not a white supremacist witch hunt https://t.co/AwrssKpLk6

— Tariq Nasheed (@tariqnasheed) April 26, 2018

But, but white men do worse things and get away with it!

Of course, there’s also the focus on the forest-for-the-trees shit that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of what Cosby is accused of, like the fact that he’s a “powerful” Black man. Did the criminal justice system not provide Cosby the degree of levity they would have his white counterpart? Perhaps, but I refuse to fly that flag considering he’s just now catching a conviction at age 80 for behavior that should’ve gotten him castrated many decades ago.

Women lie

What this all really boils down to is a frustratingly enduring narrative that has plagued sexual assault victims since time immemorial: questioning the veracity of women when they make accusations. Publicly coming forward to admit you’re sexually assaulted is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I’m not sure how an intelligent, compassionate human being can look at the tears from the accusers finally seeing justice done and assume this is some perverse Illuminati theater at work.

Even if one woman is lying, that leaves several dozen women with accusations. If you think that number should be anything less than one, we need to usher you off to the landfill as well.

So, I just assume that intelligent, compassionate human beings wouldn’t do such a thing. If you show up with this bullshit on my social media feed, I’m gonna bake you so bad you’ll have no choice but to block me.

I recommend the rest of you do the same.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.