White folks gonna white vol. 2

It’s any given day in any given month in any given year, which can only mean one thing – white people white-people-ing.

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It’s any given day in any given month in any given year, which can only mean one thing – white people white-people-ing. And really, does it get much whiter than someone eating their own goddamn foot?

VICE interviewed a man who shattered his foot beyond repair in a motorcycle accident. Does he take the path of most people who’ve suffered a traumatic physical accident and focus on recovery and adapting to a new life…? Hell no. He chose instead to hack that sucker off, clean it, cook it and convince 10 of the 11 people he asked to eat it with him in tacos.

Dude decided to stay anonymous, but I’d eat this computer faster than he ate his foot if he’s anything outside of Caucasoid. And if it’s true that he knows 10 people who were actually interested in this experience of “ethical meat eating,” they too are pink-toed. One thing’s for sure – everyone involved in the whole affair deserves to have their asses beat.

Here are a few more from the recent files of random-access whiting:

Performing theater for pets

This European pair take house calls to “perform” for pets, doing for money all the silly shit the rest of us do with our pets behind closed doors in the name of their “wellness.” The pair asks people to pay what they can for their services and are willing to perform for dogs and cats. (The latter require longer shows. Because all cats are assholes.). The woman said she was motivated in part because she noticed how much spare time pets have – it would appear the same can be said for her.

READ MORE: 6 of this week’s best white tears, fails, and just general pale foolery

Trump staffers can’t get laid

As an online dater, I can personally attest to the fact that the most common “swipe left if” qualifier is support of President Donald Dump. Thus, it should come as no surprise that rocking a MAGA hat in the liberal bastion of Washington D.C. will keep your genitalia drier than the Gobi Desert. Politico magazine first reported about these poor, lonely Trump staffers, and national media ran with the ball in the most exciting game of schadenfreude ever.

Restaurant sells tarantula burger

Sure, Anthony Bourdain (R.I.P) taught us that insects are a great and prominent source of protein. I can get that from a glass of milk. Some people might even note that spiders are arthropods and are thus the cousins of delicious crabs and lobsters. I don’t give a shit. There’s no compelling reason to roll up in Bull City Burger and Brewery in Durham, North Carolina and order a hamburger with a whole-ass tarantula on top of the meat patty. It’s like a chef with a frat boy sense of humor ascended from the bowels of Hell and decided to f— up a perfectly delightful dish by adding something what Jeff Daniels spent an entire movie trying to protect his family from 28 years ago. If you know anyone who’d try this, they’re the Feds and you should disassociate from them as soon as humanly possible.

READ MORE: ‘Coming to America’ Turns 30: The 6 best scenes from Eddie Murphy’s funniest film

Ghost pirate marriage

Apparently not content with taking on a living person’s bad credit, Irish woman Amanda Teague married a 300-year-old spirit of a pirate. She sat with VICE and had a seemingly level-headed conversation about what it was like to have a wedding with someone who doesn’t exist (she admitted she was a “bridezilla”) and discussed the intricacies of sex with the air around her (“It’s easier to feel energy in the missionary position”). People who have weddings with themselves — you have a new leader.

Cow cuddling

Remember the 1990s show When Animals Attack? The one that featured all the people getting f—-d up by animals on camera? I wish a similar fate on anyone who drops $150 for a 90-minute “Horse & Cow Experience” session at Mountain Horse Farm in Naples, NY. Some total marketing genius cooked up the premise that cuddling, rubbing on and having intimate conversations with cows is a great way to overcome fear and promote boundary-setting and confidence. Because of course Bessie n’ ‘em are great stand-ins for actual humans.

Man bitches about another man eating a burrito on the train

All this time, I thought the Bay Area was a bastion of liberalism, but white folks have been calling the authorities on folks for bullshit like it’s their job out there. A useless pile of flesh was caught on video dropping a dime on a dude eating fine Mexican cuisine on a BART train in San Francisco, which ranks somewhere between jaywalking and throwing a gum wrapper out of a car window in terms of illegality. I truly hope someone makes this fool famous.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.