The 2022 Wypipo Awards

(Getty Images/illustration by Michael Harriot)

(Getty Images/illustration by Michael Harriot)

Five years ago, the National Organization of Tireless American Liars and Lowlifes Working Year-round to Preserve Inequality, Prejudice and Oppression (NOTALLWYPIPO) embarked upon a mission to honor the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community. 

Despite rewarding the melanin-impaired community with a disproportionate number of Grammys, Tonys, Oscars, Emmys, political access, judicial appointments, financial wealth, educational opportunity and social capital since the day they began their quest to steal an entire continent, the world tends to ignore the most crucial aspect of Caucasian contributions:

Wypipoing.

What is wypipoing? Wypipoing is calling oneself a “patriot” while waving a confederate flag. Wypipoing is whining about widespread voter fraud while rubber-stamping gerrymandering, voter suppression and felon disenfranchisement. Wypipoing is screaming about freedom of speech while outlawing critical race theory. And if you find the term “wypipoing” offensive…

Congratulations, you’re wypipoing!

At the end of every year, we gather a diverse panel of wypipologists to nominate the worst and whitest in politics, news, entertainment and overall caucasity. Our slate of electors includes Black people, African Americans, people who can’t shop in Victoria’s Secret’s “nude” section and women who use edge control. 

As we always point out that not all white people can qualify for these accolades. However, if a white person has ever used the phrase “not all white people,” they are probably eligible. 

Today, we recognize white excellence:

Here are the 2022 nominees and winners:

Worst new wypipo 

And the winner is: Ashli Babbit 

Although the 36-year-old was killed in the 2021 caucasian coup, Babbitt became a martyr of the white riot and looting movement in 2022. Somehow, the people who scream about violent protesters, thugs and “law and order” were willing to overlook  Insurrection Becky’s misdeeds, which is why she deserves this honor.

White tears award

And the winner is: Cancel culture

Sadly, Elon Musk, Joe Rogan, Bill Maher, Dave Chapelle, Kyrie Irving, police, Jesus, Mary and Joseph were all “canceled” in 2022. Elon Musk is still rich, Rogan, Maher and Irving are still employed, Chappelle is still selling out arenas and Christianity is still pretty popular. But they are still victims, trust me.

Being canceled is just people “finding out” after deciding to “f**k around.” 

Worst wypipoing by a duo or group

And the winner is: The police

2022 was a great year for law enforcement wypipoing. George Floyd’s killers were convicted of murder; the Uvalde Police Department was exposed as cowards, the Secret Service destroyed phone records, at least 19 law enforcement officers participated in the Jan. 6 insurrection and the GOP turned against the FBI. In spite of the mountain of evidence that police are criminals who don’t stop crime, President Joe Biden began an effort to increase police funding. 

By the way, whatever happened to that police reform bill?

Whiteboi of the year

And the winner is: Elon Musk

To protect free speech and Democratic principles, Musk purchased Twitter with money he borrowed from autocratic speech suppressors. The corporate genius then proceeded to limit speech and drive his corporation’s stock into the ground, exposing himself as an egomaniacal hypocrite. Basically, Elon Musk is the Joe Rogan of Ron DeSantises.

Or maybe, according to Dave Chapelle, our seats aren’t close enough to see Musk’s genius. 

Karen of the year

And the winner is: white women

For most of the year, white women were not even in running for a nomination. They were fighting for reproductive rights, were involved in a racial reckoning and joined the “Me Too” movement. Maybe Trump had taught them a valuable lesson. Then, when it was time for them to put their ballot where their mouth was, 53 percent of white women voted for the party that opposed their reproductive rights, safety and equality.

Not all white women…

Just the statistical majority of white women.

Big White Lie of the Year

And the winner is: The agenda against white babies

In 2022, everyone had an evil agenda. The gays were trying to switch your kids’ sexuality. Using a person’s preferred pronouns was a trick to change children’s genders. Third-grade teachers were ruining white kids’ self-esteem by teaching graduate-level legal theory. Ibram Kendi and Nikole Hannah-Jones were creating a generation of people who hate the Founding Fathers. Dr. Fauci was trying to cover their faces with masks so he could inject them with the government’s 5G cell service serum. Planned Parenthood was killing babies. Biden was manipulating the baby formula supply. Reparations advocates were making white kids pay for the sins of their forefathers.

Meanwhile, they rejected the one provision in Black people’s actual agenda.

To be free.

Best supporting wypipo

And the winner is: Herschel Walker

The fact that an intellectually challenged, uneducated guy who made a living running into people managed to almost become a senator is an achievement in and of itself. When you add in the fact that he did it while dodging children that he sprinkled across the country after singlehandedly funding abortion providers anonymously during his job as an undercover cop, Walker’s accomplishments must be applauded. 

Wypipo of the year

And the winner is: white backlash

In 2022, not only did the vast majority of white people (58 percent) support politicians who want to restrict voting rights, criminalize Black history, and ignore police brutality, they were the only racial and ethnic group who voted Republican. No other group even came close. 

Whatever happened to that racial reckoning? Remember last year when white people promised to learn about Black history and fight for equality? Remember how they pledged money for Black-led organizations and stood in solidarity with Black protesters? They haven’t just reversed course, they are seeking to make America a less perfect union. 

In a ceremony held earlier, the following people received awards in a ceremony held earlier: 

Lifetime achievement award: White Jesus

Perhaps no one in the entire history of whiteness has accomplished more than the beloved mythical blue-eyed, sandy-blonde Scandinavian messiah who god gave to the earth on Christmas morning. Not to be confused with Yeshua ben Yosef, the Caucasian Christ’s resume reflects the triumph of wypipoing on the highest level. 

White Jesus was born to Mary and Joseph Christ on Dec. 25, 0000 B.C. in a Holiday Inn manger. While he was still in the barnyard maternity ward, three wise men traveled to Bethlehem to throw a baby shower. Instead of giving him a gift certificate to Osh Kosh, the ancient versions of Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Nick Saban showered WJ with gold, frankincense and myrrh, which was the first documented evidence of white privilege. DNA tests would later show that he was actually the son of a real estate developer who first gentrified Earth.

Jesus attended private school and interned at Joseph’s tech startup (carpentry was a very advanced industry in the early ADs) before gaining admission to one of Nazareth’s most exclusive institutions of higher learning. But, instead of graduating, WJ decided to go work for his real father, recruiting investors for a multilevel marketing corporation called white Christianity. Along with 12 salesmen who earned the title of “disciples,” Jesus preached an early version of the prosperity gospel, now known as capitalism. For less 10 percent of their income, Christians could eventually purchase a timeshare in a high-end development where the streets were paved with gold.

Although White Jesus was eventually killed by “big government” at the young age of 33, his make-believe legacy includes:

White Jesus is the first deity to be honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award in Wypipoingo because the actual Jesus was underqualified. Everyone knows Real Jesus wasn’t white but his ineligibility had nothing to do with his race or ethnicity. When the committee looked into the life’s work of actual Jesus, we found a transcript from a legal deposition of Real Jesus spreading an unpatriotic, anti-American, “woke” ideology:

Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying: “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?”

Jesus said unto him: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Matthew 22:35-40

He was immediately disqualified from all future award consideration. 

Wypipo would never believe in something like that.


Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in 2023.

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