Men are lonely. I’m lonely. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
OPINION: The prison of masculinity can make it difficult to create deep, meaningful relationships with other men.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I never thought I could learn something about masculinity from a trans man but then I did. I mean, I always thought trans men were new to being men so what could they know about being a man that I didn’t already know? But I was wrong — being new in any space means you have fresh eyes on it that may allow you to notice things that others will have grown accustomed to. Also, someone who has transitioned may have a perspective on masculinity that I would never think of. I say that to say, a trans man helped me see something about masculinity.
A video came up on my TikTok showing a man in tears. His name is James, and his video, which he also posted on Instagram, went super viral. James is a trans man, and he goes by @thetranscoach on TikTok and IG. “Nobody told me how lonely being a man is,” James said. “I had closer friendships with random women I met in the bathroom before I transitioned at clubs because of how open women are than I have had in my eight years of transitioning.”
Damn. As soon as I heard that I remembered that I too am lonely. Lots of men are lonely nowadays. A 2021 survey found less than half of men are satisfied with their friendships, and only 1 in 5 got emotional support from a friend in the previous week, while 4 in 10 women got that same sort of support. I thought about reaching out to James to say it’s OK, but then another voice said I shouldn’t. He should struggle with what it means to be a man just like the rest of us, which is, perhaps, part of his point.
I have been lonely for so long that I forgot about it. I’m used to it. I don’t like it. It impacts me quite deeply. I feel it when I want to share but I feel like I have no one I can talk to. This is where I feel the prison of masculinity impacts me the most acutely.
Making deep relationships with men is hard because men are supposed to be strong and never needy. But to have a real, deep relationship, you have to have vulnerability. As a man, you’re not supposed to express sadness or fear, but to have a deep relationship, we have to be able to talk about our feelings. But men usually don’t want to connect deeply. Women, I’m told, make deep connections regularly — according to James, women can share meaningful time with strangers in the bathroom. I have moments where I’m depressed or stressed or upset like every human, but the structure of masculinity and the expectations of being a man mean that I have no one I can share these feelings with.
Men can be great for connecting around ideas. If you say “I believe this about the world” to a man, most will take that and flow into a fun discussion/argument about whether or not that’s true. But it’s like playing with a ball but the ball is an idea. We toss it back and forth. But if you say “I’m really down or confused about something,” most men will go silent even if they really like you. We are so unaccustomed to dealing with feelings that usually we just avoid them. But there are men who are hurting because they have nowhere to go to deal with their feelings.
In an essay he wrote after his video went viral, James said, “Male friendships aren’t as deep. Before my transition, guys used to open up to me about all sorts of fears, frustrations, and feelings. Now, they would keep it superficial.”
James is right, and his societal position as a trans man gives him a perspective cis people don’t have. He knows that before he transitioned, men opened up to him but now they don’t. Men find it far easier to share their feelings with a woman, which does give them an outlet but still leaves them lonely because they can only share their feelings with a woman they trust. Our relationships with other men can be fun, but it’s hard for them to be as meaningful as a deep sharing of emotions can be because even though sharing our feelings is essential, we have also coded it as “something women do,” which makes it verboten for men. James wrote, “You [as a man] have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want, as long as that doesn’t involve anything feminine, which turns out to be many incredible things, like emotions.”
I am definitely lonely. I have tried here and there to deepen my friendships with men I like, but it’s hard. Most reflexively put up a boundary. Men say to each other, “I’m good,” even when we’re not. This stuff matters — long-term loneliness can lead to an early death.
Touré is a host and Creative Director at theGrio. He is the host of Masters of the Game on theGrioTV. He is also the host and creator of the docuseries podcast “Being Black: The ’80s” and the animated show “Star Stories with Toure” which you can find at TheGrio.com/starstories. He is also the host of the podcast “Toure Show” and the podcast docuseries “Who Was Prince?” He is the author of eight books including the Prince biography Nothing Compares 2 U and the ebook The Ivy League Counterfeiter.
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