Let’s end these toxic conversations on relationships and dating once and for all
OPINION: The frequent debates over what qualifies as a good first date and what makes a Black woman worthy of dating or marrying are getting out of hand.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I love Cheesecake Factory.
Call me basic if you want, but let me tell you something: That bistro shrimp pasta goes hard in the paint, you dig?
I not only love Cheesecake Factory, but I love its bougie sister, Grand Lux Cafe.
I know their menus are bigger than that annual Sears Catalog at Christmas, but once you figure out what your faves are, you don’t even need the menu anymore unless they add new or seasonal items you might want to sample.
Brown bread me and bring me a cucumber lemonade with a shot of your best tequila in it, please. And make sure that butter is soft for my bread.
I’m a Cheesecake Factory/Grand Lux kind of girlie, so I was a little surprised to see Cheesecake Factory show up on that list of places you should not take a woman on a first date.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with Cheesecake Factory!
But there’s nuance to this whole “first date” conversation, so let’s talk about it.
First of all, all restaurants are not created equal
Recently, a list of restaurants you should never take a woman to on a first date went viral on the internet. This happened around the same time an apparently staged video of a woman refusing to go into Cheesecake Factory with her date also went viral.
Cheesecake Factory was No. 1 on the list, but others included Applebees, Chili’s, Olive Garden, Wingstop, Buffalo Wild Wings, Red Lobster, IHOP, Denny’s and Waffle House. The list also said you should never go to a buffet on a first date.
Listen, I understand to some degree, but for me, it’s not a price point thing; it’s a quality of food thing, as I told Marc Lamont Hill when we discussed it recently.
Places like Chili’s and Applebees aren’t really cooking your food. They are reheating frozen entrees in a microwave and serving them to you as if they really did something.
You can heat food up in the microwave at home, and it would probably be a lot better quality.
There are likely a lot better options in small local restaurants in your area that could be along the same price point (if that’s why you are choosing those places) without sacrificing quality.
My one exception to this is Olive Garden because baby, I will eat that chicken and gnocchi soup all day long and twice on Sunday, and I don’t care how they cooked it, but am I going to Olive Garden for fine Italian dining? Absolutely not.
Other first-date options that were trashed
The first date list also included things like the bowling alley, the man’s own home, the movies, church, the gym, ice cream dates, nightclubs, bars (for drinks only), family functions, sporting events, and coffee dates.
Of all the above, I would likely take a coffee date or an ice cream date, and I will explain why.
Both coffee and ice cream are quick. Let’s say we are not hitting it off the way we thought we would. I drink my coffee quickly, make my excuses and leave. Same with ice cream.
I agree that bowling would be a nightmare because in addition to the loudness of the bowling alley, if I figure out on the first or second frame that you are a dud, I definitely don’t want to be trapped in your company for 10 entire frames.
As far as movies, there is no way we can talk and get to know each other in a movie theater while a movie is playing. We can save that date for after we’ve hit it off and decided we want to continue dating.
Family functions are a no because please stop being a weirdo, sir. I don’t even know you, so why do I want to meet your family the first time we go out?
And going to a man’s house on the first date is an absolute “No!” for me. I don’t think I need to say anything else.
Money and the “high-value” woman
A man I know happened to catch a clip of me chatting with Eboni K. Williams about whether or not we would split the bills with a man in our home.
In the clip, I was very adamant about the fact that I don’t give men money under any circumstances, and I meant that.
“I’m not even handing a man his change,” I told Eboni.
The man, whom I have known for many years, sent me the clip via text and said, “Oh. You’re one of those.”
“One of what?” I asked him.
“One of those women who thinks the man is supposed to be able to afford to pay for everything,” he replied.
“And what’s wrong with that?” I queried.
“It creates a stigma that if a man can’t afford to do that, then he’s worthless,” he said.
The subtext of that conversation, the part that went unsaid, is that he felt personally attacked by my stance, and there is a very good reason for that — he’s broke.
“The only men taking issue with me and Eboni saying that are the kind of men who definitely need a woman to go half with them on the bills,” I said. “The men who can afford to pay everything don’t really take an issue with this.”
He got quiet for a moment, and then he asked me if I felt that way about him.
I very honestly told him that one of the reasons I could not see myself in a relationship with him was because we were not evenly yoked.
As a woman who takes care of herself in the way she was brought up, I don’t really see myself settling for less. Why should I?
Men claim to want a “high-value woman,” but she can’t be more high-value than them.
A recently viral Facebook post said that once a woman buys her own home, she is “undateable” because there is nothing else a man can do for her.
What?
These are some of the same men who ran through me and Eboni’s comments after our 50/50 conversation telling us that we are “doing too much” and “expecting too much.”
They can’t make up their minds about what side of the fence they want to be on. They want a woman who “brings something to the table,” but if she brings everything, including her own table, it’s a problem.
It’s a wicked double-edged sword.
Fat women are not lacking dates because we are unattractive, fellas
Every time I speak out about these topics, my comments get filled with men telling me I am “not in the position” to be picky because I’m fat.
Let me disabuse you of the notion that fat women are wanting for options because they are fat.
We aren’t.
We are wanting for options because the dating pool has pee in it.
For every man who breaks his ankle running to my comments to tell me I am fat and undesirable, there are 10 sliding into my DMs like it’s home plate, trying to be down.
For every man who wants to tell me I am “undesirable,” there is a man telling me he wants his beard to warm my thighs.
The problem isn’t me; it’s you.
I’m secure enough in myself to say no when the man is not for me, and a lot of men seem to be bothered by that.
It’s like the thing y’all do with Lori Harvey. She’s dated all these high-profile men who are considered heartthrobs by the general public, and when she dumps them, the gentlemen can’t get over it.
How dare she, a woman they basically consider to be a “nobody,” dump this “high-value man” without a second thought.
The way y’all act toward Lori is the same way you act toward confident fat, Black women.
It is a projection of your own insecurities. You want me to feel the way you feel, and that’s not going to happen boo.
For every Black man telling me I’m too fat and undesirable, there is a Black man walking around holding hands with the homeliest, fat, corn-fed white girl he could find.
Make that make sense.
In summation, all of these dating topics need to die in a fire.
They are the sum total of people pouring their insecurities into the dating pool (like pee) and tainting the waters.
Stop peeing in the dating pool. Get honest about your expectations, and make sure your “expectations” aren’t rooted in pleasing your internet fathers and mothers.
Your choices should be your own, and no trending topic should guide that.
Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic t-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at moniquejudge.com.
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