How Black is your Thanksgiving?

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Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.  

Most people celebrate white Thanksgiving. 

When a group of indigenous Americans accepted a dinner invitation from the invaders who would spend the next century murdering the natives’ families, stealing their land and erasing their history, it was a momentous occasion … 

For white people. 

It was not the first time the indigenous Americans had attended an all-white party — the Wampanoags had been in contact with Europeans for more than a century and already spoke English when the evangelical Christians showed up. Cultures from Africa to South America already celebrated fall harvests and thanked their gods long before the inaugural Wypipo Picnic. Plus, the menu at the Caucasian cookout was the same food that the natives ate every day (probably with less seasoning, though). 

Black Thanksgiving is different.

When Black families come together on the fourth Thursday in November, our celebration has nothing to do with Pilgrims, pumpkins or free real estate. Ours is less about colonizing and is much more cousin-centric. But, if you don’t know which one your family observes, theGrio has put together this handy-dandy quiz to let you know which holiday you have been celebrating. 

1. What is Thanksgiving?

1. A potluck
2. An inside-the-house cookout
3. The pregame meal before the Bayou Classic
4. A time for honoring the ancestors’ recipes

2. What does Thanksgiving commemorate?

1. The Pilgrims’ first annual diversity, equity and inclusion dinner
2. When dressing was invented.
3. The end of HBCU homecoming season
4. Oh, now you need a reason to come to see your family? 

3. What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?

1. Attire that fits somewhere between “play clothes” and “school clothes”
2. A “living room outfit”
3. Where else would you wear a family reunion T-shirt?
4. The ensemble that you laid across the back of a chair

4. What is the highest Thanksgiving honor?

1. Cutting the turkey before the meal
2. Getting to sit at the “grown table”
3. Being on the macaroni and cheese committee 
4. Being mentioned in the pre-meal prayer

5. What is the lowest Thanksgiving honor?

1. Having to wash dishes after the meal
2. Sitting at the kids’ table as an adult
3. Realizing that no one touched your macaroni
4. Being mentioned in the pre-meal prayer

6. The pre-meal prayer should end when:

1. About three minutes have passed
2. Everybody starts opening their eyes
3. People start getting the Holy Ghost
4. Stomachs start getting the Holy Ghost

7. If you were asked to bring plates, cups, napkins or aluminum foil, your family probably assumes …

1. You don’t have time to toil over the stove
2. You are coming from out of town
3. You can’t cook
4. Your kitchen is nasty

8. Which of these actions will most likely get you yelled at?

1. Starting “mess”
2. Dipping in the pots before the food is ready
3. Not putting a hat on that baby’s head
4. Reminding Jerome about that “funky lil $20 dollars” he borrowed last year

9. Rank these Thanksgiving attendees according to who gets to eat first.

1. A co-worker
2. A head deacon/usher board president 
3. A retired high school football coach
4. A grandmother, but she’s 38 years old
5. Someone who’s late for work
6. A person who was invited because they don’t have family in town 
7. A member of a prayer circle
8. Someone named Earlene who has peppermints in her purse
9. The man who fixed your grandmama’s alternator in her front yard

10. You are more likely to start an argument by voicing your dislike for …

1. Canned cranberry sauce
2. Christianity
3. The Dallas Cowboys
4. Joe Biden

11. A family member will invariably have to run out and buy some …

1. Ice
2. Aluminum foil
3. Pet Milk
4. Weed

12. Which one of these family titles is least likely to be blood-related? 

1. Cuz
2. Auntie
3. Unk
4. Fam

13. What is the most prized part of a dish? 

1. The corner of the macaroni & cheese
2. The crust of the peach cobbler
3. The middle of the dressing.
4. The bottom meat in the greens

14. Which part of these songs is more likely to spark an instant family sing-along?

1. When Frankie assures you that there’s nothing, nothing he wouldn’t do “Before I let you Goooooooooo!”
2. When the Temptations wishes a “Meh-heh-ree Chris mussss, to all of you…”
3. When Tevin promises that the next time you come his way, he’ll “Know. Just. What. To. Saaaaaay!”
4. When Kirk begs melodies from heaven to rain “da-da-da-da-down on me” (altos only)

15. Where is the most secure hiding place for a plate of leftovers?

1. The back of the refrigerator
2. The floor of your car under your coat
3. In the oven 
4. Wherever your grandaddy hides his brown liquor.

16. Which of these is the most important Thanksgiving liquid?

1. Kool-Aid
2. Hot sauce
3. Candy yam juice
4. Pot liquor

17. Which one of these relatives is the most annoying?

1. Your vegan cousin
2. The uncle who doesn’t eat “swine”
3. The bougie aunt
4. Your “bad-ass” nephews who keep running in and out that door.

18. Which Thanksgiving Day tradition will have the most participants?

1. Dominoes
2. Spades
3. Uno
4. Help Aunt Brenda Find Her Keys

19. Your family members will definitely talk about you behind your back if:

1. You bring a white girl
2. Your kitchen is nasty
3. You bring a storebought dish
4. You leave without saying goodbye

20. When is it a good time to leave?

1. As soon as you say goodbye
2. After you say goodbye, talk to your cousin on the porch for another 20 minutes.
3. After you say goodbye, talk to your cousin and help Brenda find her keys.
4. After you say goodbye, talk to your cousin, locate Brenda’s keys and you find the bastard who stole your plate out of the backseat!

Answer Key: If you need the answers, your Thanksgiving is white AF. Enjoy your stuffing and pumpkin pie!

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Michael Harriot is an economist, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His New York Times bestseller Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America is available everywhere books are sold.

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